Topics of the day:
1. Blondes Jokes (part 2 of 2) - <might be off. to blondes>
2. Elephants & ravers ! (mildly rude elephant gags)
3. Another Big Lie (explained version)
4. Signs on vehicles
5. sign - outside applications programming
6. Humor: A message to post on copier machines...
7. New Lottery...
8. Bears(offensive)
9. Little Johnny, off to family lovers
10. Riding in car - non offensive
11. What kind of people read what paper?
12. Excuses for Missing Work
13. lawyer jokes - you asked for em' - offensive? you bet!
14. Sardarji
15. The 3 lies <oral sex - poss offensive>
16. A lesson.....
17. Technology part 2
18. 50 Ways to get rid of a blind date (part 1 of 2)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Fri, 27 Jan 1995 07:24:00 EST
From: Cintron Jose <JCintron@DOL.GOV>
Subject: Blondes Jokes (part 2 of 2) - <might be off. to blondes>
26. Why shouldn't blondes be given a coffee break?
It takes too long to retrain them.
27. How can you tell if a blonde has been baking chocolate chip cookies?
By the M&M shells on the counter!
28. How do you keep a blonde busy for a week?
Hand her a box of M&Ms and have her alphabetize them!
29. What do you call five blondes standing in a row?
A wind tunnel!
30. Why do blondes wear their bangs combed upwards?
To stop everything from going over their head.
31. What is a blonde doing when she holds her hands tight over her ears?
Trying to hold on to a thought.
32. How do you drown a blonde?
Put a mirror on the bottom of the pool.
33. What do you call a freezer full of blondes?
Frosted flakes!
34. What is the mating call of a blonde?
I think I'm Sooooo drunk!
35. What is the mating call of a brunette?
Are the blondes gone yet?
36. What is the mating call of a redhead?
NEXT!
37. What do you say to a blonde to convince her to go to bed with you?
Have another beer.
38. How does a blond turn on the lights after love making?
She opens the car door.
39. What do blondes and cow pies have in common?
The older they get the easier they are to pick up!
40. Why do blondes wear hoop earrings.
To have a place to rest their ankles.
41. What does a blonde do first thing in the morning?
Introduces herself and goes home.
42. What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on her head?
All you can eat for under a buck.
43. What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
Her ankles.
44. Why do blondes wear underwear?
To keep their ankles warm.
45. Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels?
More headroom!
46. What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common.
They both have "Black Boxes".
47. What do blondes and turtles have in common?
Once they are on their backs, They're gonna get screwed!
48. What does a blonde and your computer have in common?
You don't realize how much either means to you until after they
go down!
49. What is the difference between a blond and bowling ball?
You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball.
50. Why do blondes have square breasts?
They didn't take the Kleenex out of the box.
51. What dose a blonde say after sex?
Are you guys all on the same team?
52. How can you tell if a blonde is having a bad day?
Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
53. What does a blonde say after she is told by a doctor she is pregnant?
Is it mine?
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 27 Jan 1995 12:44:00 GMT
From: Pete Laker <plaker@VNET.IBM.COM>
Subject: Elephants & ravers ! (mildly rude elephant gags)
Hiya Humorists !
Reading those eleflump gags yesturday reminded me of ...
---------------------------------------------------------------
What do you do if you see 1000 elephants coming over the hill ?
SWIM FOR IT !!! (cuming)
---------------------------------------------------------------
What do elephants use for tampons ?
SHEEP !
---------------------------------------------------------------
Why do elephants have trunks ?
SHEEP DON'T HAVE STRING !!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Oh yeh, and here's a CLASSIC joke I heard the other day, I dunno
how it translates in the US but over here (UK) it's a killer !
---------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a raver in a filing cabinet ?
SORTED !
---------------------------------------------------------------
Ha Ha Ha .... Translation of slang terminology available on request.
Love you all ! (but one at a time please !)
Later Humor dudes !
Pete.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 27 Jan 1995 09:56:04 GMT
From: "Juan E. Mikalef" <jmikalef@AR.ORACLE.COM>
Subject: Another Big Lie (explained version)
As I fear I lost the joke meaning in the translation. Let's see if this
version works better:
Picture a guy enjoying a blow job and saying
'Keep going honey, I'll warn you'
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 27 Jan 1995 08:53:55 -0600
From: Tom Behl <BEHLTJ@MAIL.STATE.WI.US>
Subject: Signs on vehicles
Date: 01/27/95
From: Thomas J. Behl BEHLTJ - WSRC
To: OAS - EMX
Subject: Signs on vehicles
Seen on a sewage truck in Kenosha, WI:
'We can take a lotta CRAP!!'. Also has a picture
of a skunk holding it's nose.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 27 Jan 1995 09:02:43 -0600
From: Wendell E Gragg <wgragg@TENET.EDU>
Subject: Re: sign - outside applications programming
I resent the COBOL remark! ;-) I was weaned on COBOL! I still have the
hibby-jibbys when some uninitiated twerp who thinks he knows computers
calls it Cobalt! You have not lived until you are carrying a tray
containing your 3000 line COBOL program to the card reader and then drop
it, realizing too late that you forgot to code sequence numbers. Oh
those were the days! Enough ranting. One COBOL joke for all of you REAL
programmers who still remember Autocoder:
Do you know what your girlfriend and COBOL have in common? If either one
of them misses a period, you are in trouble!
Wendell E. Gragg Benito Martinez Elementary School
wgragg@tenet.edu Socorro Independent School District
Computer Lab El Paso, Tx (915) 857-4340 x225
On Thu, 26 Jan 1995, JOHN STONE wrote:
> I work for a design agency, saw this sign up outside an applications
> programming area.
> --------------------------------------
> APPLICATIONS PROGRAMMING DEPARTMENT -
>
> MISTAKES MADE WHILE YOU WAIT
> --------------------------------------
>
> Remember, friends don't let friends write Cobol.
>
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 27 Jan 1995 10:15:58 -0400
From: JBologna James Bologna <JBOLOGNA@BENTLEY.EDU>
Subject: Humor: A message to post on copier machines...
(From my archives - thanks to Robin Barnett!)
Like most places of employment, our universities copier seems to be out of
order more often than it is in. Therefore, our copy repairman had answered
question after question for us. Finally one day he just smiled and handed
us this sheet:
The COPIER is out of order!
YES--We have called the service man.
YES--He will be in today.
NO--We cannot fix it.
NO--We do not know how long it will take.
NO--We do not know what caused it.
NO--We do not know who broke it.
YES--We are keeping it.
NO--We do not know what you are going to do now.
THANK YOU
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 27 Jan 1995 11:02:00 EST
From: Jeff Guinzburg <JEFF+la+rISI%ISINT@MCIMAIL.COM>
Subject: New Lottery...
MHS: Source date is: 27-Jan-95 11:04 EDT
Did you hear about the new kind of lottery game for 1995?
Its a scratch off card for Indians. If the dot on your head matches the
dot on the card you win a 7-Eleven.
Origin: This is one of a series of jokes told this past Christmas by
friends and family of Mona Claypoole of Infinite Technologies
(mona@infinite.ihub.com) and related to subscribers of the Infinite Joke
List (jokes@infinite.ihub.com - email with subject "SUBSCRIBE" without
quotes)
Best Regards, Jeff.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 27 Jan 1995 11:04:34 -0500
From: "Ben F. Cheek" <DrCheek@AOL.COM>
Subject: Bears(offensive)
(Should be spoken)
A black bear was walking through the Black Forest when he came across
Ben's Bar. He went inside and sat down on a barstool. He looked at the
bartender and said, "Let me have a beer."
The bartender looked at the bear and said, "I'm sorry, we don't serve
black bears beer here at Ben's Bar."
The black bear became irate. He looked at the bartender and said, "I
said, let me have a beer."
The bartender looked at the black bear and said, "I don't think you
heard me, I said we don't serve black bears beer here at Ben's Bar."
The black bear look at the bartender and said, "Do you see that girl
sitting at the end of the bar? If you don't let me have a beer I am going to
go down there and eat her up."
The bartender said, "We don't serve beer to black bears here at Ben's
Bar."
The black bear jumped up and ran to the end of the bar and devoured the
you woman.
He came back and sat down on the barstool and looked at the bartender
and said, "Now let me have a beer!"
"I'm sorry," said the bartender, "but we don't serve beer to black bears
that do drugs here at Ben's Bar."
The black bear looked at the bartender and said, "What do you mean,
drugs?"
The bartender looked down the bar toward where the you woman had been
sitting and said, "That was a Bar Bitch You Ate!"
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 27 Jan 1995 17:54:09 CET
From: Piotr Plebaniak <PLEBAN@PLEARN.BITNET>
Subject: Little Johnny, off to family lovers
Once teacher told the kids to prepare an essay on theme "There is only
one mother. The children prepared themselves very well, and every kid
told a beautiful story of love, family and parents. When it came
Johnny's turn, he spoke: "One day I got back from school, and saw nobody
inside. Then I poked in the parents' bedroom and I saw our neighbour
lying on my mother. My mother saw me and told: 'Johnny, go to the kitchen
and bring us two bottles of vodka from the refrigerator.'
So I went to thekitchen, opened the refrigerator
and I shouted:'There is only one, mother!'"
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 27 Jan 1995 10:13:19 -0700
From: Doug Gwilliam <DOUGGW@WORDPERFECT.COM>
Subject: Riding in car - non offensive
3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is
driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of
control.
So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He
finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.
Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look."
Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes."
Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?"
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 27 Jan 1995 10:39:20 -0800
From: "DNA: The splice of life" <MASMITH@CARINS.CARIBOO.BC.CA>
Subject: What kind of people read what paper?
Saw this on Yes, Prime Minister last night. I thought it was pretty
accurate, tho' I may have some of the paper's mixed up.
What kind of people read read the London newspapers
Telegraph - read by people who think THEY should run the country
Daily Mirror - read by people who think someone ELSE should run the country
Sunday Mirror - read by people who think someone else IS running the country
Times - read by people who ACTUALLY run the country
Financial Post - read by people who OWN the country
The Sun - read by people who don't care who runs the country as long as
the girl on page three has big tits.
ciao fer now
mike
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 27 Jan 1995 13:53:48 -0500
From: Timothy Abicht <ERIOND@AOL.COM>
Subject: Excuses for Missing Work
==================================
If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told
me to clean all the guns today.
When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I
can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an
hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop,
reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop
only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks
in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled
up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
My stigmata's acting up.
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who
fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that
deadline to meet...
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how
about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No,
no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to
work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw
restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
I prefer to remain an enigma.
My step other has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her
coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day
should do it.
I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is
completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter
transportation.
I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax.
I insist on paying my fair share.
I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!
==================================
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 27 Jan 1995 13:35:28 EST
From: JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH2.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: lawyer jokes - you asked for em' - offensive? you bet!
Nathan Morris, a lawyer, died and appeared before the Pearly
Gates. When he arrived, a chorus of angels began to sing in his
honour and St Peter himself came out to shake his hand.
"Mr Morris," said St Peter, "it is a great honour to have you
here at last. You are the first being to break Methuselah's record
for longevity. You have lived 1028 years."
"What are you talking about?" said Morris. "I'm 56."
"56? But aren't you Nathan Morris?" "Yes."
"A lawyer?" "Yes."
"From Brooklyn?" "Yes."
"Let me check the records," said St Peter. He slapped his hand
against his forehead. "Now I see the mistake--we added up
your billing hours!"
---------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the difference between a lawywer and a sperm cell?
A: At least the sperm has a 1 in 600 million chance at becoming a human
being.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
"He who has said that 'talk is cheap', has never hired a lawyer"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
The rooster wakes each morning anxious to cluck defiant.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
In the Halls of justice the only justice is in the halls. --Lenny Bruce
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?
A: A whine cellar.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A man took a trip out west after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He
stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks stated to no one in particular,
"lawyers are horses' asses."
Hearing this, one of the locals spoke up: "Mister, watch what you say.
You're in horse country."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin
crew to have the passengers take their seats and prepare for an emergency
landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if
everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here, Captain", came the
reply, "except one lawyer who is still passing out business cards."
------------------------------------------------------------------
This is supposedly a true story from a reader, who writes that this event
occurred during her stint of jury duty:
I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. the first lawyer questioning
us began right off as an intimidating showman. When he came to his
question,
"Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?" We stiffened and hesitated.
Before the pause became to long, the judge announced, "I do."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach
resort?
A: Because they're used to doing all of their lying indoors.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawywers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One is a slime sucking bottom dweller, the other is a fish!
Q: How do you know if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't fit a fingure between the rope and his neck.
Q: Why do they bury lawyers 36 feet down instead of 6?
A: because deep down lawyers are really good.
-------------------------------------------------------
It was so cold last winter that lawyers were keeping their hands in
their own pockets!
--------------------------------------------------------
What do you call it when five lawyers are up to their necks in cement?
Not enough cement.
--------------------------------------------------------
There was a terrible tragedy the other day. A busload of lawyers went off
a cliff. And there were two empty seats!
--------------------------------------------------------
What do you call 200 lawyers at the bottom of Chesapeake Bay?
A good start.
--------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
---------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
-----------------------------------------------------------
How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
Depends on how thin you slice them.
------------------------------------------------------------
What's brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman.
------------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer is settling accounts with his client. "Let's do it this way," he
says, "pay me $1500 down and $250 a month."
"Gee," the client says, "I feel like I'm paying for a car."
Lawyer:"You are!"
------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
The tick drops off after you're dead.
------------------------------------------------------------
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the
ladder company.
-------------------------------------------------------------
How do you address a lawyer with an IQ of 16?
"Good morning, Your Honor."
-------------------------------------------------------------
Two male lawyers noticed a very attractive female walking by. One
lawyer says to the other, "Wow, I'd love the screw her!" the other
responds curiously, "Out of what?"
--------------------------------------------------------------
John Stone - Systems Programmer|Executive Software Team,| \\\\\\\
U.S. Army Material Command, |Systems Support Group |office 00 \\\\
Systems Integration and |Letterkenny Army Depot |symbol < @\\
Management Activity - East, |Chambersburg Pa. |AMXSI-RT -- \
Industrial Technology Division,|AV 570-9191 17201-4180|-oOOo-------oOOo-
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Jan 1995 16:18:32 -0500
From: "Aditya, The Skeptic" <a018967t@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: Sardarji
Sardarji is the Indian term for the Sikhs who are as much a butt of jokes
in India as Poles are here.
Here is an example from the India usenet.
capsftp@lehman.com writes:
>Once Sardarji was standing in Manhattan
>and waving his hands as though he was
>feeding the birds.
>Passerbys were surprised but did not stop.
>This went on for a very long time. Finally
>a Gujrati was passing by and he could not
>contain himself.
>He asked Sardarji what exactly is he doing.
>Sardarji said he is feeding Channas (Garbanzo beans)
> to the
monkeys.
>Gujrati grinned a little and said but Sardarji
>there are no monkeys.
>Sardarji, laughed aloud and said so what?
>Do you see any chana?
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 27 Jan 1995 08:52:25 GMT
From: Geof Blewden <Geof@BLEWDEN.DEMON.CO.UK>
Subject: The 3 lies <oral sex - poss offensive>
I have not seen this one included, so far:
"I promise that I will not come in your mouth"
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 27 Jan 1995 15:39:32 CST
From: "Ploegstra, Barbara" <bploegstra@SMTPGWY.SSMHC.COM>
Subject: A lesson.....
Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior
college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name
the organ of the human body , which under the appropriate conditions,
expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."
Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think
that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents
will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.
Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same
question.
Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim
light."
"Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three
things
to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have
a
dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful
disappointment."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 27 Jan 1995 15:20:00 PST
From: "Larson, Mark" <larsonm@CSS.ORST.EDU>
Subject: Technology part 2
31 Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life Part 2:
Joe Mullich, American Way Magazine, Nov. 94.
11. You sign Christmas cards by putting : ) next to your signature.
12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols
that are far more clever than : ).
13. You back up your data every day.
14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and
you return with a rest for your mouse.
15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages
faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.
17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters
your mind.
18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase
"electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information
superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses
hand drawn pie charts.
19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit
hall in advance. However, you cannot give someone directions to your
house without looking up the street names.
20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 27 Jan 1995 21:12:45 -0500
From: Jennifer Schmidt <JenSch@AOL.COM>
Subject: 50 Ways to get rid of a blind date (part 1 of 2)
I can't even remember where I got this...
:) Jennifer Schmidt
JenSch@aol.com
------------------
50 WAYS TO GET RID OF A BLIND DATE
(or fun things to do in a fancy restaurant)
1) At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the
impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.
2) Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and
balance them in a tower on your table.
3) Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
4) Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
5) Repeate every third third word you say say.
6) Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high
school yearbook.
7) Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
8) Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
9) Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they
are talking about.
10) Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms
outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
11) Order a bucket of lard.
12) Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier
venues that use linen tablecloths.
13) Howl and whitle at womens' legs, especially if you are female.
14) Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
15) Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking
about himself/herself.
16) Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
17) When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
18) Without asking, eat off of your date's plate. Eat more from their plate
than they do.
19) Drool.
20) Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.
If a crumb lands anywhere near your date, pick up the crumb, put it in your
mouth and say, "I'm all about conservation."
21) Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in
front of you.
22) Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess
and ask fro another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order
another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the
hell took you so long in the bathroom?!"
23) Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
24) Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
25) Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the
subject up periodically throughout the meal.
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 26 Jan 1995 to 27 Jan 1995
************************************************