Topics of the day:

1. Messed up Classified Add
2. RSA Gay Slang <adult themes>
3. In The News - Political, off to lawyers and a few others.
4. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs <adult; risque>
5. Rats & Rat Watchers
6. leprechaun at the bar <one bad word>
7. Editorial from Ex-Junta Leader: Ok City (Bad Taste Jokes)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Thu, 27 Apr 1995 23:31:13 -0400
From: "Greg C. Bowlin" <GCBowlin@AOL.COM>
Subject: Messed up Classified Add

I found this in an old folder and thought I would submit it. Don't know if
it has been around but at least not since I have been reading HUMOR. Hope
you like it.

(Monday) "FOR SALE-R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone
948-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap."

(Tuesday) NOTICE -- We regret having erred in R.D. Jones ad yesterday. It
should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 and
ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7 p.m."

(Wednesday) "NOTICE-R.D. Jones has informed us that he has recieved several
annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad
yesterday. His ad stands corrected as follows: FOR SALE-R.D. Jones has one
sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly
who loves with him."

(Thursday) "NOTICE-I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I
smashed it. Don't call 948-0707, as the telephone has been out. I have not
been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper,
but she quit.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 28 Apr 1995 01:13:37 -0400
From: Clare Haney <MizzDarla@AOL.COM>
Subject: RSA Gay Slang <adult themes>

My friend RJ (yes, he's gay) sent me this. He got it from his friend from
the Republic of South Africa. The slang is not exclusive to gays but the
references RJ sent are refer mainly to gay lifestyle.

Affair = two people in a gay relationship
Bangles = gold braids
Bella Bash = to beat up
Beulah = aesthetically beautiful man
Clora = colored homosexual (in RSA colored is a
non-white/non-black reference)
Dora = acohol/drunk (e.g. He is dora. = He is drunk)
Ethyl = elderly
Hettie = Co-Pilot
Hilda = plain, unnatractive person
Lunch = male genitalia
Moffie = male homosexual
Natalie - unintelligent
Pram = drink trolley
Priscilla = police
Reva = revolting
Rent = to charge for services
Sally = to give a blow job
Sarah Switchboard = Radio Operator
Stella = steal
Tilly = jerk off
Wendy = white male homosexual
*example: Beaulah Bangles has asked Sarah Switchboard to get Hettie. Help me
call the koffie moffies for a glass of juice but they are busy with the Dora
Pram, the Nora number says he will have to wait.
Translation: Captain has asked the Radio Officer to get the Co-Pilot to call
the male flight attendants to bring him a glass of orange juice. The flight
attendants are doing drink service from the trollye and the stupid man says
he will have to wait.

Here's one for you to try: The absolutely Hilda Wendy with the enormous
lunch tried to get me to Sally him in the bushes. I would not even consider
him for a Tilly. Her is probably a Priscilla, too.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 28 Apr 1995 05:36:24 GMT
From: Ed Lambert <ed.lambert@LIFESCAN.COM>
Subject: In The News - Political, off to lawyers and a few others.

In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some late night humor
Reprinted without permission

The Supreme Court has ruled that there is no constitutional right to
assisted suicide. They said, "Hey, if Bill Clinton wants to run for
reelection, that's his business."

Al Gore reported $414,705 in earnings on his 1994 income tax report. I
wonder if that includes money he made moonlighting as a mannequin...

DC Mayor Marion Barry's taxes are the subject of an IRS inquiry.
Apparently, smoking crack isn't deductible as entertainment expenses.

In Gennifer Flowers' new book, she says President Clinton was a great
lover. This has to be frustrating for him... the first time in two years
anybody's written something nice about him... and he has to deny it.

After a record breaking nine days on the stand, Dennis Fung could only
say, "Scheck happens!"

Boston surgeons successfully transplanted brain tissue from a pig into a
man. The mans brain didn't reject it, which pretty much confirms what
women have been saying about men for years.

Federal regulators have reinstated funds to the Tampa hospital that
amputated the wrong foot, took the wrong patient off life support and
almost sterilized the wrong woman. Apparently, the feds felt that it was
close enough for government work. Doctors can operate, but only on
patients with a well developed sense of humor. A spokesman said that
patients would give their right arm to be operated there... or... was it
their left?

The juror revolt last week was bound to happen. You hang around Kato
Kaelin long enough and YOU won't want to work either! The flight
attendant/juror who told Judge Lance Ito that she couldn't take it
anymore complained that the seats were small and uncomfortable, the food
was lousy and they were never on schedule. Typical flight attendant -
they can dish it out but they can't take it.

OJ Simpson wanted to wear black to show support for the protesting
jurors, but Judge Ito refused to give him back his knit cap until the
trial is over.

Michael Jackson hosted 46 kids from 17 nations for a three day
conference at Neverland. I think it was the 17 countries that we don't
have extradition treaties with.

Luciano Pavarotti has a new self named cologne. It's described as a
scent so sexy, she won't even know how fat you are.

Sports

Major league baseball is finally under way. Now we can watch somebody
swing and miss besides F. Lee Bailey.

On opening day, Darryl Strawberry put on a glove, loosened up his grip
and broke a sweat. And he was just preparing for his drug test.

In honor of the opener, Judge Ito refrained from sidebars, holding
meetings at the mound instead.

Baseball tickets have gone up 1.8%. Owners say the increase was
necessary to offset the cost of removing the knives from the fans'
backs.

Kato Kaelin is working on an exercise video. You put the cassette in the
VCR. You press play. Okay, folks... that's enough for one day.

And finally, Howard Cosell - the former dean of Monday Night Football
departed this mortal coil amidst a veritable cacophony of jocktorian
adulation.

TO THOSE WHO ASKED - I tried to respond personally but wasn't able to
access your e-mail address for some reason. The "Did fate plan the
Nicole Brown Simpson murder?" answer is 32 - the significance is this
was OJ's number when he played football. The implication is that this
must mean he is guilty which is of coarse ridiculous. Probably more
"Strange but true" than funny.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 28 Apr 1995 03:31:48 -0400
From: Larry Scott <scott@BUFFNET.NET>
Subject: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs <adult; risque>

One day the seven dwarfs were coming home after a hard days work. As they
approach the house, they hear some sounds coming from the garden. Their
curiousity aroused, they stand on each others shoulders until finally one of
them can see over the garden wall.

The dwarf at the top, sees snowwhite and the prince sitting and talking in
the garden.

He says to the dwarf who's shoulder he is standing on:

"Snow White is with the Prince"

This in turn gets passed down, dwarf to dwarf
"Snow White is with the Prince"
"Snow White is with the Prince"
"Snow White is with the Prince"
"Snow White is....." (well you get the picture)

until it has reached all the dwarfs.

Then the dwarf at the top says:

"They're Kissing"

Again the chain starts:
"They're Kissing"
"They're Kissing"
"They're Kissing"
"They're ......."

"He's taking off her clothes"
"He's taking off her clothes"
"He's taking off her clothes"
"He's taking off............"

"They're both nude now"
"They're both nude now"
"They're both nude now"
"They're both........."

"He's about to enter her"
"He's about to enter her"
"He's about to enter her"
"He's about to.........."

At this point Snow White hears a sound near the wall, and so she gets up to
investigate.

The dwarf at the top sees this and says:

"She's Coming"

"So am I"
"So am I"
"So am I"
"So am I"
"So am I"
"So am I"
"So am I"

===
Originally from Dave Coble <dave.coble@f642.n387.z1.fidonet.org>

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 28 Apr 1995 08:46:48 -0700
From: Faye Powell <bvfp@ODIN.CC.PDX.EDU>
Subject: Rats & Rat Watchers

I am not making this up! The Naked Mole-Rat Symposium will be held June
9-10, 1995, in Warwick, RI....Dinner on your own: buses will shuttle
attendees to a local seafood restaurant and/or billard parlor.
[announcement on the ETHOLOGY List]
Comment:
Do you think they will have seafood mole, or maybe rattatouii with shrimp
sauce?

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 28 Apr 1995 15:59:01 EST
From: "BARNES,LARRY J." <LBARNES@MUSIC.TRANSY.EDU>
Subject: leprechaun at the bar <one bad word>

A strapping young oilrigger sits at a bar in Houston, guzzling beers.
From the corner of his eye, he notices a very small man crawling up
onto the next barstool. "Bartender!" shouts the creature in a very
high voice. "One Beer, please!" The bartender gets a good look at him.
"We don't serve minors in here, sonny. Buzz off." "Bartender", the
little man shrieks in a loud tinny voice, "I am 200 years old today.
I want a beer!" Checking his ID, the bartender reads 'Timmy O'Shaun-
nessy, born 1795. Occupation: Leprachaun.' "Well, I'll be damned."
He shoves a beer under the little man's nose. Glug-glug-glug-glug-
glug--smack--"Ah!" The leprachaun downs three more beers, looks into
the oilman's face with a silly grin, and suddenly spits a long rasp-
berry in his face: "phppppppp!" The oilman brushes off his face with his
hand, and moves one stool down. The leprachaun down two more beers, gets
the same silly grin on his face, and quickly jumps over one stool and
rspberries the oilman again: "phppppppppppppp!" "Ah,*hell*!" Two more
beers, and the leprachaun is in his face again, opens his mouth, and--
The oilman grabs him right around the neck with one hand. "If you
do that *one more time*, I'll cut your little *prick* right off."
"Ain't got one!" said the little man.
"Whut?"
"Ain't...got one." His little head twisted to the side, trying to
get loose.
"If you don't got no prick, then how in the hell do you *pee*?"
"Phppppppppppppppp!"

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 28 Apr 1995 12:10:06 -0500
From: Paul Robinson <paul@TDR.COM>
Subject: Editorial from Ex-Junta Leader: Ok City (Bad Taste Jokes)

May you all who are outraged by the incident in Oklahoma, soon be able
to recover from your sadness, pain and grief, and I offer all of you
my condolances over this tragedy.

Paul Robinson <PAUL@TDR.COM>

The rest of this article explains the reasons behind the bad jokes about
that incident I posted earlier. If you want to get to the Jokes now,
skip down to *** .

I am warning everyone not to read those jokes; they are also offensive. If
I find that anyone - including me - has read those jokes in bad taste in
this message, they're deleted from the Humor List. I'll be watching your
terminal - every one of you - to make sure you don't read those jokes
beginning at *** below.

A number of people who read my jokes about the bombing in Oklahoma City
have complained that my jokes were in bad taste considering what had
happened. I posted that in the subject and the first few lines of the
message. I do not know why there are complaints. Oh, I know. They
weren't in bad enough taste and I guess people were disappointed I wasn't
nastier. I'll try harder to ridicule and make fun of the deaths of
scores of people and injuries to hundreds the next three or four times to
make up for my lack of cruelty and inhumane conduct. I shall try to do
better next time.

A means to know of objectionable content for the Humor Listis the
disclaimer in the title, which people are supposed to use, to warn you to
be able to ignore humor that may offend you. In my case, I also gave an
additional warning at the start of the message. Therefore I believe I
have given more than adequate warning to allow people of possible offense
and to allow them to avoid the item.

If a poster on a movie theatre says 'NOW PLAYING: DEEP THROAT, RATED XXX'
you should not claim to the manager that when you looked on the screen, you
were shocked and disgusted by the filth and repugnant activities, unless you
thought it was about the source that helped Woodward and Bernstein break the
story about the Watergate Hotel.

Some people are of the opinion that there are some subjects that are so
serious, important, horrific and so terrible that noone can make fun or
light of it. This, I believe, is a dangerous standard. I wrote some of
the following in a response to that objection:

After sadness, the only emotional release for anger and pain is laughter.
That which is truly horrible and devastating is that which is most badly
in need of poking fun. It may allow others to release their grief, close
out the mourning over what has gone wrong, and continue their lives.

A joke is often not funny if the subject is personal to you. A practical
joke, or someone slipping on a banna peel, is often hilarious. But not
to the victim. Making fun of tragedy is a good sign of release of
grief and ability to live again. Life is too short and too much fun
to grieve except when it happens, then it's best to get as upset and
hurt as possible and get rid of all of it, if you can, or as much of
it as you can. But it is much more healthy to release that emotion as
soon as possible, and as much as possible, to prevent it from
consuming you. This is the reason that it takes up to six weeks to
grieve the death of a close relative.

If life is so horrible, and so joyless that no subject is off-grounds
for parody and humor, then it's time to stop the world and get off
forever, because you're not enjoying anything that life has to offer.

If life is nothing but pain, why bother to continue to live in torture?

I have asked the people who are authorized to post here - before I posted my
joke - to use a slightly higher standard of courtesy to the readers who may
still be grieving over this tragic event. I asked them if they did send
something, to be sure it mentioned the city before the person would read it,
and to be sure it was indicated as being in bad taste if it was. I felt
that this was a reasonable way to allow people to know they might be
offended by the content.

I understand that most of you are shocked, angered and outraged at this
crime. I see how the government understands your outrage and I expect them
to use use every resource at their disposal to bring about an extremely
speedy witch hunt err I mean quick conclusion to this horrible event.
They will quickly round up some men with no alibi, give them coach seats
on the railroad to a fast trial, in an Oklahoma City Courtroom where the
jury box has an excellent view of the destroyed building during the entire
trial where they are of course, rightly found guilty of a heinous crime,
by the members of the jury who were accidentally picked from the list of
relatives of the victims instead of the jury pool, and the convicted killers
quickly executed a week after the trial when it's discovered the warden
misread the execution date as a week later instead of a year and a day
later. Too bad. Oh well, everybody's gotta die sometime.

There's something worse, too. Some people - decent folks like you and me
- are concerned that some Federal employees might have been invoved in
this incident, with the idea of using it as a sort of "Pearl Harbor
Attack" to suspend the Constitution of the United States and the Bill of
Rights.

This idea was raised in view of public comments:

A politician wanted to push for stricter gun controls to prevent
this from being repeated. How a gun control law stops someone from
buying Fertilizer and a gasoline can for $20 or so cash at Sears
Garden Center, then driving a pickup truck a few blocks to the
Phillips 66 and filling that can with Diesel fuel for $5 cash, then
repeating as needed until they have the raw materials, escapes me.

President Clinton made a moral committment and a promise to the
American people that whoever was brought to trial for the bombing
would not receive a fair trial under the 6th Amendment. "THEY WILL
BE TRIED. THEY WILL BE CONVICTED. AND THEY WILL BE EXECUTED."
Sure sounds like a promise to convict them no matter what to me.

I believe then Mr. Clinton hinted that maybe the 1st Amendment doesn't
protect people who say things he doesn't agree with. Like people on
radio talk shows. Especially ones of a different political view than
his.

This sort of climate of anger and fear is very dangerous, and it could
spark a civil war. The only answer to anger and fear is to laugh at it.
Wars don't get fought if people laugh at the reasons.

----
*** Jokes ***

WARNING - THESE JOKES ARE IN BAD TASTE!

DO NOT READ THEM!

THAT IS AN ORDER FROM THE FORMER JUNTA LEADER OF THE HUMOR LIST!

----
I probably can understand why Mr. Clinton doesn't like Rush Limbaugh.
I don't listen to him anymore either. Rush Limbaugh is far too
liberal for my taste. He supports too many causes I consider to be
too far to the left.
----
The Pro-Life movement is unfortunately far too sympathetic
to people wanting abortions, and is too appoving of such unnessary
ones as incest, and saving the mother's life. All good Christian
Americans would have to agree the only valid reason to permit an
abortion is for sex selection, and those who disagree with me are
nothing but Atheist pinko Communists.
-----
About the Challenger Spacecraft Disaster:

Why didn't Christa McAuliffe take a shower before getting
on the space shuttle?

She planned to wash up on the beach.
-----
What was the last thing said on the Space Shuttle?

"Gee, what does this red button do?"

-----

In this time of sorrow and pain for many, making these jokes is not to
make fun of a sad thing, but to let people know that no matter how
horrible it is, sooner or later you just have to let the anger and
sadness go. And get on with your life. It's an uncomfortable position
to have to make fun of pain and sadness and heartbreak, and ridicule
suffering of innocent people, but I suffer this torment as part of the
public service I must offer, in some attempt to offer solace to the
readers of the humor list so that I may help them to assuage their
grief. It is a dirty, thankless job, but someone's got to do it.

Okay, the speechmaking is over. I drank twenty or thirty beers in the
last fifteen minutes or so, I was so upset over the disaster. I can't
finish my speech now, I have to go pick up a school bus from the home
for the crippled, lame, deaf and blind. At least, if anything happens to
them, nobody will know what part of the injuries are my fault.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 27 Apr 1995 to 28 Apr 1995
************************************************