Topics of the day:
1. Funny and not offensive
2. Bumper stickers
3. Humor: Another Airline Message
4. Humor: Off the Wall at Callahan's
5. God and Tenure (off. to deities)
6. Turtles , Rabbits and Buzzards
7. another bumper sticker
8. Logos <adult themes>
9. Horny elderly gentleman <pretty damn offensive>
10. Quotables <off. to the quoted>
11. Amerikan newspeak revisited (fwd)
12. Slightly offensive but really true
13. Life 7.B
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Date: Tue, 28 Feb 1995 08:36:44 -0500
From: Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Funny and not offensive
This went out on "GAG," a French humor list.
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Tue, 28 Feb 1995 10:43:55 GMT
From: GILLMETH Serge <gillmeth@adm-ulp.u-strasbg.fr>
To: Tous les abonnes de <gag@thot.u-strasbg.fr>
Subject: Une p`tite blague...
De la part d'un non inscrit a la liste gag
C'est une femme d'une trentaine d'annee qui se ballade
avec un enorme spermatozoide sous le bras. Un truc de huit
metre de long, (je vous raconte pas la taille du flagelle)...
Tout d'un coup, elle s'arrete devant un batiment, regarde
l`enseigne: <<Banque du sperme>>..
Elle entre, monte les escalier, et pose son truc sur le comptoir,
et dit:
"Bonjour, je voudrais de la monnaie, svp?"
A thirty-something woman was walking along with a giant sperm under her
arm. A huge something 8 meters long (not counting the tail.)
Suddenly she stops in front of a building and reads the sign: "Sperm Bank."
She enters, goes up the stairs, and puts her load on the counter and says:
"Hello, I'd like some change, please."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 28 Feb 1995 09:19:56 -0500
From: Jim Davis <jdavis@ADMIN.ALLEG.EDU>
Subject: Bumper stickers
Bumper Stickers
Auntie Em. Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
We're staying together for the sake of the cats.
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
My karma ran over your dogma.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
This is not an abandoned vehicle.
I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus.
Welcome to Texas, now go home.
It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own.
Life's too short to dance with ugly men.
Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me.
Gosh, I'm going to miss her.
When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS).
I is a college student.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Beer isn't just for breakfast any more.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Eschew obfuscation.
Will Rogers never met a lawyer.
Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
Is there life before coffee?
Never play leap frog with a unicorn.
Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
I Cayman went.
My other wife is beautiful.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.
Nuke the unborn baby whales.
Geez if you belive in honkus.
Friends don't let friends drive naked.
Save California; when you leave take someone with you.
I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
There's one in every crowd and they always find me.
If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger.
Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats.
If it's too loud, you're too old.
Wink. I'll do the rest.
The worst day fishing is better than the best day working.
An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one blade of grass and
not fall off the earth.
Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.
I may be fat but you're ugly, and I can lose weight.
Who cares who's on board?
Die Yuppie Scum.
No radio. Already stolen.
Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.
Carlsbad Caverns: 22\% more cavities.
Exxon Suxx.
Honk if you love cheeses.
Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist.
I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be.
So many pedestrians, so little time.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 28 Feb 1995 09:18:00 -0400
From: Matthew Grob <Matthew.Grob@MCHIS.MED.NYU.EDU>
Subject: Humor: Another Airline Message
Heard this on a People's Express flight (remember them?) from Syracuse
to New York back in the early 1980's.
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in
the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 28 Feb 1995 10:40:13 -0500
From: "D. E. Gulledge" <gulledge@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Humor: Off the Wall at Callahan's
A truce between the sexes?
Are you out of your goddam mind?
What else is there to distract us all from onrushing death?
Television???
--Jake Stonebender--
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 28 Feb 1995 15:34:04 -0000
From: Michael Forster <mforster@FINDHORN.ORG>
Subject: God and Tenure (off. to deities)
Sent to me by Dan Greenberg - origin unknown
>WHY GOD NEVER RECEIVED TENURE AT ANY UNIVERSITY
>1. He had only one major publication.
>2. It was in Hebrew.
>3. It had no references.
>4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
>5. Some even doubt he wrote it himself.
>6. It may be true that he created the world,
> but what has he done since then?
>7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
>8. The scientific community has had a hard time
> replicating his results.
>9. He never applied to the Ethics Board
> for permission to use human subjects.
>10. He expelled his first two students for learning.
>11. Although there were only ten requirements,
> most students failed his tests.
>12. His office hours were infrequent and usually
> held on a mountaintop.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 28 Feb 1995 13:05:41 -0500
From: Chip Depue <EDEPUE@AOL.COM>
Subject: Turtles , Rabbits and Buzzards
Did you hear about the turtle, the rabbit and the buzzard that were the best
of friends? One day they decided to buy some land and build a house and live
together for the rest of their lives. So they bought a large plot on top of
a hill. They decided that they needed to do some ground work before they
started to put up the house and they sent the rabbit off to purchase some
manure.
He was gone a very long time and the turtle and buzzard got tired of waiting.
So they went ahead and built the house themselves. In fact, it turned out
to be a mansion with a swimming pool, fountains, etc.
One day the rabbit returned and went up to the mansion door and rang the
bell. It was answered by a butler who said (looking down his nose!), "May I
help you?"
Rabbit: "I want to see the turtle."
Butler: " Mister TurTELL is down by the WELL."
Rabbit: "Then let me see the buzzard."
Butler: "Mister BuzzARD is out in the YARD."
Rabbit: "Well, tell them Mister RabBIT is here with the S--T!"
=============================================
Q: How do you make a kleenex dance??
A: Put a little boogie in it.
Q: Have you ever smelled moth balls??
A: Yes
Q: How did you get their tiny little legs apart??
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Chip ;)
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 28 Feb 1995 13:32:00 EST
From: "Frank.Hartman" <22345FLH@MSU.EDU>
Subject: another bumper sticker
Help keep Michigan clean, dump your trash in Ohio!
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 28 Feb 1995 14:26:29 EST
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Logos <adult themes>
A good looking girl decided to have sex with this really handsome guy.
They took off their clothes and she noticed he had numerous tattoos on
his body. They were brand names like Reebok, Nike, etc. However, on
his penis she saw "Aids" and she was starting to get really turned off
when he said, "Cool it...you'll soon see it actually says Adidas."
Lyle's Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 28 Feb 1995 13:37:07 -0600
From: James Thorson <jthorson@CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU>
Subject: Horny elderly gentleman <pretty damn offensive>
This old letch plans to marry a young blonde gold digger, object:
breathing some new life into him. It doesn't. In fact, she just about
fucks him to death on their honeymoon. On his deathbed, he calls for his
adult sons and says he has one final request: "After I'm gone, cremate
me, then put me in her douche bag and run me through one more time."
***************************************************************************
Jim Q. What comes out of the penis first at the time of orgasm?
Thorson A. The wrinkles.
***************************************************************************
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 28 Feb 1995 12:24:48 -0800
From: Kim-An Lieberman <miette@U.WASHINGTON.EDU>
Subject: Quotables <off. to the quoted>
Some quotes from great minds...or rather, some great quotes from minds...
On Health: "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life."
Brooke Shields, said to demonstrate why she should become spokesperson
for a federal antismoking campaign
On Anatomy: "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my
body."
Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
On Government: "I support efforts to limit the terms of members of
Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate."
Vice-President Dan Quayle (surprise, surprise)
On Crime: "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest
crime rates in the country."
Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
On Pesticides: "Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be
dying of something else anyway."
Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane
On Justice: "The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just
routine items for the police."
Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the export of
various products abroad
On Family: "Are you any relation to your brother Marv?"
Leon Wood, New Jersey Nets guard, to Steve Albert, Nets TV commentator
On Sports: "If you can't make the putts and can't get the man in from
second on the bottom of the ninth, you're not going to win enough
football games in this league, and that's the problem we had today."
Sam Rutigliano, Cleveland Browns coach, on why his team lost
On Logic: "Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be
discontinued...Reason: it has been reported to our office that you
expired on January 1, 1976."
Illinois Department of Public Aid
On Criticism: "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a
jackass--and I'm just the one to do it."
A congressional candidate in Texas
On Masculinity: "It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant."
Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad
On Community: MEMBERS AND NON-MEMBERS ONLY
Sign outside Mexico City's Mandinga Disco in the Hotel Emporio
On Integrity: "Wish--To end all the killing in the world...
Hobbies--Hunting and fishing"
From personal statistics of California Angel Bryan Harvey, flashed
on the scoreboard at Anaheim Stadium
On Honesty: "He's trying to take the decision out of the hands of twelve
honest men and give it to 435 Congressmen!"
Representative Charles Vanik of Ohio, when he heard that the indicted
Spiro Agnew was asking to have his corruption case tried by the House
instead of in a regular court
On History: "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's
history...this century's history.... We all lived in this century. I
didn't live in this century."
Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential
candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion
about the Holocaust
On Hippies: "In the early sixties, we were strong, we were virulent..."
John Connally, Secretary of Treasury under Richard Nixon, in an early
seventies speech, as reported in a contemporary "American Scholar"
On Patriotism: "At the Lincoln Park traps on Sunday...over 80 shooters
took part in the program. Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot
yourself."
From Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator"
On Safety: "The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people
who make them unsafe."
Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
On Diplomacy: "I've always thought that underpopulated countries in
Africa are vastly underpolluted."
Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why
we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries
On the Little-known Importance of Poultry Inspectors: "The crime bill passed
by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death penalty for certain
violent crimes: assassinating the President; hijackiing an airliner; and
murdering a government poultry inspector."
Knight Ridder News Service dispatch
On Education: "After finding no qualified candidates for the position of
principal, the school department is extremely pleased to announce the
appointment of David Steele to the post."
Philip Streifer, superintendent of schools, Barrington Rhode Island
On Intelligence: "The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."
Baseball great Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on
the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 28 Feb 1995 15:57:14 -0500
From: "Aditya, The Hindu Skeptic" <a018967t@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: Amerikan newspeak revisited (fwd)
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part ofyour life."
Brooke Shields, said to demonstrate why she should become
spokesperson for a federal antismoking campaign
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
"I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress,
specially members of the House and members of the Senate."
Vice-President Dan Quayle
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
in the country."
Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
On Pesticides:
"Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of
something else anyway."
Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane
"The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items
for the police."
Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the exportof various products abroad
"Are you any relation to your brother Marv?"
Leon Wood, New Jersey Nets guard, to Steve Albert, Nets TV commentator
"If you can't make the putts and can't get the man in from second on
the bottom of the ninth, you're not going to win enough football games
in this league, and that's the problem we had today."
Sam Rutigliano, Cleveland Browns coach, on why his team lost
On Government Ability to Communicate After Death,:
"Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be
discontinued...Reason: it has been reported to our office that you
expired on January 1, 1976."
Illinois Department of Public Aid
On Criticism:
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a
jackass--and I'm just the one to do it."
a congressional candidate in Texas
"It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant."
Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad
MEMBERS AND NON-MEMBERS ONLY
sign outside Mexico City's Mandinga Disco in the Hotel Emporio
Wish--To end all the killing in the world
Hobbies--Hunting and fishing
from personal statistics of California Angel Bryan Harvey, flashed
on the scoreboard at Anaheim Stadium
"He's trying to take the decision out of the hands of twelve honest men
and give it to 435 Congressmen!"
Representative Charles Vanik of Ohio, when he heard that the
indicted Spiro Agnew was asking to have his corruption case tried by
the House instead of in a regular court
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this
century's history.... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in
this century."
Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential
candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion
about the Holocaust
"In the early sixties, we were strong, we were virulent..."
John Connally, Secretary of Treasury under Richard Nixon, in an
early seventies speech, as reported in a contemporary "American Scholar"
"At the Lincoln Park traps on Sunday...over 80 shooters took part in
the program. Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself."
from Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator"
"The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make
them unsafe."
Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
"I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly
underpolluted."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 28 Feb 1995 15:43:02 LCL
From: "Lidstrom, Beverly A." <bal@COLUMBUS.COM>
Subject: Slightly offensive but really true
THE LAST 10 THINGS ANY MAN WOULD EVER SAY
10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Her tits are just too big.
6. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. That chick on Murder, She Wrote gives me a woody.
4. Sure I'd love to wear a condom.
3. We haven't bee to the mall for ages,m let's go shopping
and I can hold your purse.
2. Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
1. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask
directions.
THE LAST 10 THINGS ANY WOMAN WOULD EVER SAY:
10. Could our relationship be more Physical? I'm tired of
just being friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to
douche that way.
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the
armpit are just too cute.
5. This diamond is way too big.
4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to
swallow.
3. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
2. Does this make my butt loot too small?
1. I'm wrong, you must be right again.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 28 Feb 1995 15:15:25 -0800
From: Henry Cate <cate3@NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Life 7.B
Date: 17 May 91 11:50:24 PDT (Friday)
----------------------------------------------------
God invented mothers because he couln't be every where at once
And God invented guilt because mothers could be every where at once.
Disclaimer: I used to be sane, but I got better.
One of my American friends commented about soccer:
We guys don't play this game much. You have to use your head a
lot in this game, you know........
A LUCKY MACINTOSH USER had the Talking Moose program (Addison-Wesley
Publishing Co.) working on his Macintosh when burglars broke into his home
while he was away. Presumably thinking there was someone in the home, the
burglars left the room with the Macintosh alone. --Seattle Times 4/30
From England:
A student starts his summer job at IBM. The manager tells him
his first task is to sweep the floor.
"But", he protests, "I can't do that, I'm a Coventry Poly
Computer Science Student !"
"Well in that case" says the manager, "Your first task is to
learn how to use the broom"
unclear on the concept:
The Met Office is now using fax machines to give local authorities early
warning of severe weather. The Hampshire emergency planning office said:
"Rather than having to rely on telephones, for instance, where lines are
at risk in bad weather, we are encouraging the wider use of fax machines."
{News courtesy of the Reading Evening Post}
This came from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" section of PC Magazine.
A guy was following a set of instructions to format a floppy diskette.
Step 1 : Put diskette in disk drive.
The man puts the disk in the drive...
Step 2 : Close the door.
The man gets up and, with a confused look on his face, walks over to the
door to his office and closes it.
An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her
computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded
that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced. He told her to
"Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it." About fifteen
minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.
When running QEMM on a 386/MS-DOS machine and the program does a protection
violation, it reports:
General exception fault #13 at ABCD:1234
(T)erminate Program, (R)eboot, or (T)ry to continue?
_Try_ to continue? Hmmm...
A person has just gotten a new printer. She plugs in the printer, walks across
the room, tries to print something with no connection to the printer, and then
wonders why it doesn't print.
Person turns on the computer without a keyboard plugged in. When she turns on
the computer, the computer finds out that there is no keyboard attached and it
gives a "Keyboard Error" message. She then asks "Why did it give me a keyboard
error? There isn't even a keyboard attached?
Q: What was Saddam's secret weapon against the allied land offensive?
A: The thousands of Iraqi military who surrendered and slowed the
advance of the allied troops...
The problem with the Iraqi army is that they were using Russian defense
tactics:
1. Engage the enemy.
2. Draw him into your territory.
3. Wait until winter sets in.
Paraphrased from one of the major news anchors reporting on the Iraqi's
having arrived for the cease-fire talks:
"Once again, the Iraqi's were well-dressed. It seems they have
better tailors than military tactics."
Sign seen on the Marines' first division command center, Saudi Arabia:
MARINES: When you care to send the very best.
The Iraqi verions of the classic army regulations can be summarized as:
If it doesn't move, hide behind it.
If it does move, surrender to it.
--
Henry Cate III <cate3@netcom.com>
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
"The Greatest Management Principle in the World" by Michael LeBoeuf:
The things that get rewarded, get done.
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 27 Feb 1995 to 28 Feb 1995
************************************************