Topics of the day:
1. Pledge of Allegiance/Top 10 Net Newties >Republicans, Newt G<
2. 50 Ways to get rid of a blind date (part 2 of 2)
3. INVALID MEDIA TYPE <harmful to data on diskettes>
4. Technology part (3 of 3)
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Date: Sat, 28 Jan 1995 02:23:03 -0500
From: Timothy Abicht <ERIOND@AOL.COM>
Subject: Pledge of Allegiance/Top 10 Net Newties >Republicans, Newt G<
>Forwards removed
>From "Life in Hell", 16 Dec 94,
I pledge allegiance to and wrap myself in the flag of the United States
Against Anything Un-American and to the Republicans for which it stands,
two nations, under Jesus, rich against poor, with curtailed liberty and
justice for all except blacks, homosexuals, women who want abortions,
Communists, welfare queens, treehuggers, feminazis, illegal immigrants,
children of illegal immigrants, and you if you don't watch your step.
By Matt Groening
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - -
Top 10 Ways You Know Newt Gingrich Has Taken Control of the Info Highway
(taken from NewMedia magazine; Feb. 1995)
10) You wake up one morning and find your screensaver has been
taken over by a Max Headroom version of Rush Limbaugh.
9) Special at CompUSA: a free assault weapon autographed by Newt
with every purchase of a quad-speed CD-ROM upgrade kit.
8) New password sequence on America OnLine offers
moment of prayer before log-on.
7) Jesse Helms refuses to put American data under control
of United Nations global servers.
6) Unwed mothers on public assistance are forced to lay
fiber optic lines for minimum wage.
5) Cable and telephone bills include defense budget charges
for battling rival convergence companies.
4) Welfare recipients and illegal aliens are limited
to maximum throughput of 300 baud.
3) Term limits for sysops.
2) No gays allowed in military newsgroups.
1) Congressional home page emblazoned with a photo of Strom Thurmond
and the headline, "Pantywaist Liberals Need Not Apply!!"
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Date: Sat, 28 Jan 1995 10:22:57 -0500
From: Jennifer Schmidt <JenSch@AOL.COM>
Subject: 50 Ways to get rid of a blind date (part 2 of 2)
50 WAYS TO GET RID OF A BLIND DATE
(or fun things to do in a fancy restaurant)
Part 2
26) Ask your date how much money they have with them.
27) Order for your date. Order something nasty.
28) Refuse to communicate in anything but mime for the entire evening.
29) Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows,
where you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to
the wall. Act nervous.
30) Lick your plate. Offer to lick your date's.
31) Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
32) Fill your pockets with sugar packets as well as salt and pepper shakers,
silverware, floral arrangements. . . i.e. anything that isn't bolted down.
33) Hold a debate. Take both sides.
34) Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
35) Auction your date off for silverware.
36) Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
37) Order a baked potato. When the waiter brings your food, hide the
potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never
got". When the waiter returns with another potato, have the first one back
on your plate. Watch the waiter's face.
38) Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
39) Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and
use good judgement in editing to twist their words around.
40) Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
41) Speak in pig latin throughout the meal.
42) Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table,
throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Tell your
date, with a straight face, "They need to air out."
43) If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take
one bite, pretend like the food is disgusting and say "Boy, did you get
ripped off!"
44) Bring 20 or so candles into the restaurant. During the meal get up and
arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
45) Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home
to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually
feeding her.
46) Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
47) Insist that the waiter cut your food into little pieces. In a similar
manner, insist that he take a bite of everything to make sure no one has
poisoned your food.
48) Accuse your date of espionage. Pretend like you have a secret
microphone hidden on your body and you are talking the CIA.
49) Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.
50) Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.
51) Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.
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Date: Sat, 28 Jan 1995 18:59:00 EST
From: Jeff Guinzburg <JEFF+la+rISI%ISINT@MCIMAIL.COM>
Subject: INVALID MEDIA TYPE <harmful to data on diskettes>
MHS: Source date is: 28-Jan-95 19:03 EDT
Proper Diskette and Care Usage
(1) Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of
the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive.
Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
(2) Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week.
Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a
powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any
stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring
powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure
the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to
spin faster, resulting in better access time.
(3) Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the
drive. "Big" Diskettes may be folded and used in
"Little" drives.
(4) Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The
data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the
intricate mechanics of the drive.
(5) Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a
photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be
backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive.
Whenever you update a document, the data will be written
onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup
copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk.
When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings
liberally between the diskettes before inserting them
into the drive.
(6) Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the
drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so
could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text.
Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is
known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is
hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins
before being allowed to access the slot.
(7) If your diskette is full and needs more storage space,
remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for
two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data
compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover
all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.
(8) Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more
holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more
simultaneous access points to the disk.
(9) Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent
system bugs from spreading.....
(10) You can keep your data fresh by storing disks in the vegtable
compartment of your refrigerator. Disks may be frozen, but
remember to unthaw by microwaving or breifly immersing in
boiling water.
(11) "Little" diskettes must be removed from their box prior to use.
These containers are childproof to prevent tampering by
unknowledgeable youngsters.
(12) You can recover data from a damaged disk by using the DOS command:
FORMAT /U or alternatively by scratching new sector marks on the disk
with a nail file.
(13) Diskettes become "hard" with age. It's important to back up your
"hard" disks before they become too brittle to use.
(14) Make sure you label your data. Staples are a good way to
permanently affix labels to your disks.
Origin: a friend of Mike Avery (mavery@bga.com).
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Date: Sat, 28 Jan 1995 16:53:00 PST
From: "Larson, Mark" <larsonm@CSS.ORST.EDU>
Subject: Technology part (3 of 3)
31 Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life Part 3:
Joe Mullich, American Way Magazine, Nov. 94.
21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you
something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand
that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more
information about the product it is selling.
22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five and a quarter and
three and a half inch sizes.
23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.
24. You own a set of itty bitty screw drivers and you actually know where
they are.
25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia
surgeries, you compare mouse induced index finger strain with
a nine year old.
26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough
to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question
instead of feeling compelled to make something up.
27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile
tires.
28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own
turns bread into charcoal.
29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different
opinions about which is better the track ball or the track *pad*.
30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend,
technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good,
that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a
laptop.
31. You email this message to your friends over the net. You'd never get
around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the
phone.
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End of HUMOR Digest - 27 Jan 1995 to 28 Jan 1995
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