Topics of the day:
1. Hung hillbilly <off. to hillbillies>
2. Phony Names
3. The Convert
4. DR. Jokes (off. to Drs.; vulgar)
5. Afront Page (Part 2)
6. Computer Users <non-offensive>
7. Term Limits <off. to politicians>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Fri, 28 Apr 1995 23:36:54 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Hung hillbilly <off. to hillbillies>
A hillbilly comes home and tells his mom that when they shower after
gym class he notices he's the most sexually developed boy in the whole
8th grade class. "Do you suppose it's due to our good hillbilly genes
and all the home cooked vittles you make?" he asks. "It's possible,"
his mom says but more than likely it's because you're nineteen years
old." Lyle's Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 29 Apr 1995 01:39:48 -0400
From: Clare Haney <MizzDarla@AOL.COM>
Subject: Phony Names
Here's a list of phony names often given to substitute teachers:
(source: "Book of Lists 2")
Anne Chovy
Art E. Choke
Bud Wiser
Frank Furter
Chuck Waggon
Jim Shoo
Sandy Beach
Polly Gon
Ben Gay
Liz Onya
Ben Dover
Eileen Dover
Barb DeWyre
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 29 Apr 1995 06:58:32 -0400
From: Larry Scott <scott@BUFFNET.NET>
Subject: The Convert
A Christian Missionary was in Africa. He was walking through the jungle
one day going from one village to another, a lion began to chase him.
He ran as fast as he could but the lion was closing on him. Finally the
missionary stopped and cried out "Dear Lord, please make this lion a
Christian."
The lion came to a screeching halt, clasped its paws together and bowed
its head and said "Dear Lord, we give thanks for that which we are about
to receive...".
==
Originally from Craig Sprout <craig.sprout@f113.n106.z1.fidonet.org>
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 29 Apr 1995 15:44:52 -0400
From: Phil Glowatz <AssessNet@AOL.COM>
Subject: DR. Jokes (off. to Drs.; vulgar)
Dr.: You have six months to live.
Man: I want a second opinion.
Dr.: OK, you're ugly, too.
----------------------------------------------------
Dr.: It's your liver.
Man: I want a second opinion.
Dr.: Well, maybe it's your pancreas.
-----------------------------------------------------
Dr.: I have good news and bad news for you.
Man: What's the good news?
Dr.: Your tests came back. You have 48 hours to live.
Man: My tests came back and I have 48 hrs. to live? If that's the good
news, what's the bad news?
Dr.: I forgot to call you yesterday.
------------------------------------------------------
Dr.: I have good news and bad news for you.
Man: Give me the bad news first.
Dr.: You have two weeks to live.
Man: That's horrible. Well, what's the good news?
Dr.: Did you see my big-titted blonde receptionist in the outer office?
Man: Yes.
Dr.: I fucked her last night.
----------------------------------------------------------
What do you call the person who graduates dead last in his class in a Mexican
medical school?
A. Doctor.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 29 Apr 1995 19:33:30 EDT
From: KEITH E SULLIVAN <DNWU64A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Afront Page (Part 2)
Last Sunday I posted a little humor piece I found in the _Reader's
Digest_ about snide nicknames for newspapers. You, the readers of the
Humor List, have sent me some great nicknames of your own. I hope you
enjoy the part 2 list as much as I have.
From: "Aditya, The Hindu Skeptic" <a018967t@bcfreenet.seflin.lib.fl.us>
Fort Lauderdale Nuisance & Urinal (_Fort Lauderdale News and
Sunsentinal_)
--------------------------------
From: "Steve Holstein" <holstein@bev.net>
In southwest Virginia we have a small-town rag called the News Mess
(_News Messenger_)
--------------------------------
From: Wendell E Gragg <wgragg@tenet.edu>
The El Paso Lying Times (_El Paso Times_)
--------------------------------
From: "KEN LOACH : SUNY PLATTSBURGH"
<LOACHKW@splava.cc.plattsburgh.edu>
The Plattsburgh Press Repulsive (_Press Republican_)
--------------------------------
From: talisman@clubhouse.email.net
The Austin Unamerican Spaceman (_Austin American Statesman_)
--------------------------------
From: RWU@aol.com
Fort Worth Startlegram (_Star-Telegram_)
--------------------------------
From: JOHN STONE <JSTONE@letterkenn-emh2.army.mil>
Carlisle (PA) The Senile (_Sentinel_)
Chambersburg (PA) The Pubic Onion (_Public Opinion_)
--------------------------------
From: CLARISSA FINCO <CFINCO@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
In Athens (GA) we get the Athens Banana Herald (_Banner Herald_).
--------------------------------
From: Lee Bradley <lbradley@grits.valdosta.peachnet.edu>
Valdosta (GA) VD Times (_Daily Times_)
--------------------------------
From: Wayne Welling <CWWWELLI@ihc.com>
Ogden (UT) Substandard-Exagerator (_Standard-Examiner_)
Salt Lake City's Desparate News (_Deseret News_)
--------------------------------
From: Kathryn A. Bryant <kbryant@link.dcmdw.dla.mil>
Livermore Falls (yes, it's a town in Maine) Agonizer (_Advertiser_)
--------------------------------
From: Heather.D.Rielly@Dartmouth.EDU
We have from West Lebanon (NH) The Valley Snooz (_Valley News_).
--------------------------------
From: "James L. Triplett" <"ELCX::
TRIPLETT"@ECC7.ATENG.AZ.HONEYWELL.COM>
The Phoenix Repulsive & Gazoo (_Republic & Gazette_)
--------------------------------
From: Noelle Umback <umback@lamar.ColoState.EDU>
Sioux Falls (SD) Argus-Liar (_Sioux Falls Argus-Leader_)
--------------------------------
From: Ross.Stocks.INSDRS01@nt.com
The Raleigh (NC) Nuisance and Disturber (_News and Observer_)
--------------------------------
From: Spike Winski! <JCW@ALPHA.SUNQUEST.COM>
The Arizona Red Star (_AZ Daily Star_) (communist views?)
The Tucson Shitty 'zine (_Tucson Citizen_)
--------------------------------
From: Lenny Schafer <schafer@netcom.com>
The San Francisco Exhumener (_San Francisco Examiner_)
The San Francisco Comical (_San Francisco Chronical_)
The San Jose Mercury Poisoning News (_Mercury News_)
The Sacramento Bee Minus (_Sacramento Bee_)
--------------------------------
From: John Stancil <jstancil@cc.cumber.edu>
Memphis (TN) Comical Apple (_Commercial Appeal_)
The Whitley County (KY) Whitley Whiz (_Whitley Republican_)
--------------------------------
From: Sheldon Cheney <scheney@nalusda.gov>
Washington Pest (_Washington Post_)
--------------------------------
From: Vickie <PUBREL@vunet.vinu.edu> and Cindy A. Beaman
<CBEAMAN@vunet.vinu.edu>
The Vincennes (IN) Sun-Comical (_Sun-Commercial_)
--------------------------------
From: Judy Cain <cainj@sunytccc.edu>
Cortland (NY) Cortland SubStandard (_Cortland Standard_)
--------------------------------
From: Jeff Cooper <cooper@mcopn1.dseg.ti.com>
Dallas Absurder (_Observer_)
--------------------------------
From: "March L. Warn" <mwarn01@mail.coin.missouri.edu>
Here in Columbia, Missouri, the University of Missouri school of
Journalism publishes a daily newspaper called "The Columbia
Missourian". For as long as I have lived here (21 years) it has been
known by students and residents as "The Manurian".
--------------------------------
From: JBC%ERS.BITNET@VTBIT.CC.VT.EDU
Raleigh (NC) Noise and Disturber (_News and Observer_)
--------------------------------
From: Bladester@aol.com
San Francisco Comical (_Chronicle_)
Santa Rosa Public Degenerate (_Press Democrat_)
--------------------------------
From: Earl Hall <earl@wolfe.net>
The Yakima (WA) Horrid-Repulsive (_Herald-Republic_)
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 29 Apr 1995 17:25:09 -0700
From: Kim-An Lieberman <miette@U.WASHINGTON.EDU>
Subject: Computer Users <non-offensive>
Men Who Use Computers Are The New Sex Symbols Of The `90s
by Scott Adams <scottadams@aol.com>
I get about 100 e-mail messages a day from readers of my comic strip
"Dilbert." Most are from disgruntled office workers, psychopaths, stalkers,
comic-strip fans -- that sort of person. But a growing number are from women
who write to say they think Dilbert is sexy. Some say they've already
married a Dilbert and couldn't be happier.
If you're not familiar with Dilbert, he's an electrical engineer
who spends most of his time with his computer. He's a nice guy but not
exactly Kevin Costner.
Okay, Dilbert is polite, honest, employed and educated. And he
stays home. These are good traits, but they don't exactly explain the
incredible sex appeal. So what's the attraction?
I think it's a Darwinian thing. We're attracted to the people who have the
best ability to survive and thrive. In the old days it was important to be
able to run down an antelope and kill it with a single blow to the forehead.
But that skill is becoming less important every year.
Now all that matters is if you can install your own Ethernet card without
having to call tech support and confess your inadequacies to a stranger
whose best career option is to work in tech support.
It's obvious that the world has three distinct classes of people, each with
its own evolutionary destiny:
Knowledgeable computer users who will evolve into godlike non-corporeal
beings who rule the universe (except for those who work in tech support).
Computer owners who try to pass as knowledgeable but secretly use hand
calculators to add totals to their Excel spreadsheets. This group will
gravitate toward jobs as high school principals and operators of pet
crematoriums. Eventually they will become extinct.
Non-computer users who will grow tails, sit in zoos and fling dung at
tourists.
Obviously, if you're a woman and you're trying to decide which
evolutionary track you want your offspring to take, you don't want to put
them on the luge ride to the dung-flinging Olympics. You want a real man.
You want a knowledgeable computer user with evolution potential.
And women prefer men who listen. Computer users are excellent listeners
because they can look at you for long periods of time without saying
anything. Granted, early in a relationship it's better if the guy actually
talks. But men use up all the stories they'll ever have after six months.
If a woman marries a guy who's in, let's say, retail sales, she'll get
repeat stories starting in the seventh month and lasting forever. Marry an
engineer and she gets a great listener for the next 70 years.
Plus, with the ozone layer evaporating, it's a good strategy to
mate with somebody who has an indoor hobby. Outdoorsy men are applying
suntan lotion with SPF 10,000 and yet by the age of 30 they still look like
dried chili peppers in pants. Compare that with the healthy glow of a man
who spends 12 hours a day in front of a video screen.
It's also well established that computer users are better lovers. I know
because I heard an actual anecdote from someone who knew a woman who married
a computer user and they reportedly had sex many times. I realize this
isn't statistically valid, but you have to admit it's the most persuasive
thing I've written so far.
If you still doubt the sexiness of male PC users, consider their
hair. They tend to have either: (1) male pattern baldness -- a sign of
elevated testosterone -- or (2) unkempt jungle hair -- the kind you see
only on people who just finished a frenzied bout of lovemaking. If this
were a trial I think we could reach a verdict on the strong
circumstantial evidence alone.
I realize there are a lot of skeptics out there. They'll delight
in pointing out the number of computer users who wear wrist braces and
suggest it isn't the repetitive use of the keyboard that causes the problem.
That's okay. Someday those skeptics will be flinging dung at tourists.
Then who'll be laughing? (Answer to rhetorical question: everybody but
the tourists.)
Henry Kissinger said power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. And Bill Clinton
said that knowledge is power. Therefore, logically, according to the
U.S. government, knowledge of computers is the ultimat aphrodisiac. You
could argue with me -- I'm just a cartoonist -- but it's hard to argue
with the government. Remember, they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco
and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women.
You might think this was enough to convince anyone that men who use
computers are sexy. But look at it from my point of view: I'm getting
paid by the word for this article. I'm not done yet.
In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot
car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot
cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks.
Technology has replaced hot cars as the new symbol of robust manhood. Men
know that unless they get a digital line to the Internet no woman is going
to look at them twice.
It's getting worse. Soon anyone who's not on the World Wide Web will
qualify for a government subsidy for the home-pageless. And nobody likes
a man who takes money from the government, except maybe Marilyn Monroe,
which is why the CIA killed her. And if you think that's stupid, I've
got 100 words to go.
Finally, there's the issue of mood lighting. Nothing looks sexier than a
man in boxer shorts illuminated only by a 15-inch SVGA monitor. If we agree
that this is every woman's dream scenario, then I think we can also agree
that it's best if the guy knows how to use the computer. Otherwise,
he'll just look like a loser sitting in front of a PC in his underwear.
In summary, it's not that I think non-PC users are less attractive. It's
just that I'm sure they won't read this article.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 29 Apr 1995 22:55:11 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Term Limits <off. to politicians>
\what do baby diapers and politicians have in common? They both need
to be changed reqularly...and for the same reason. Lyle's Joke
Boutique.
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 28 Apr 1995 to 29 Apr 1995
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