Topics of the day:
1. Current Events
2. Attributions & other stuff
3. Apology, Riddle <Off. L. Helmsley>, Vague Advert. (61 Lines)
4. Partisan Translation Guide <G>
5. Laxative joke <off. to Irishmen>
6. Alien Contact (Innuendo)
7. Travel Tips from Those Who Know
8. The Canonical List of Taglines
9. ANTI- WINDOWS oneliners <off to MS lovers>
10. In The News - Political, off to lawyers, Illegals, Kato, Steve Howe
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Date: Wed, 1 Mar 1995 00:53:29 -0500
From: Jim Goldman <JimGPhynn@AOL.COM>
Subject: Current Events
What's the difference between Denver and the White House?
Somebody landed a plane at the White House.
Be good!
Jim
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Date: Wed, 1 Mar 1995 01:04:57 -0600
From: Spurlock <spurlock@BGA.COM>
Subject: Attributions & other stuff
I'll open tonight's post with a quotation from _The 776 Stupidest
Things Ever Said_, written by Ross and Kathryn Petras. (Of course, I
first had to check the postings from "Aditya, The Hindu Skeptic" and
Kim-An Lieberman to be sure neither had beaten me to the punch with this
particular quote.)
"Several of the Rev. Dr. Mudge's friends called upon him yesterday, and
after a conversation the unsuspecting pig was seized by the hind leg, and
slid along a beam until he reached the hot-water tank. . . .Thereupon he
came forward and said that there were times when the feelings overpowered
one, and for that reason he would not attempt to do more than thank those
around him for the manner in which such a huge animal was cut into
fragments was simply astonishing. The doctor concluded his remarks, when
the machine seized him and in less time than it takes to write it the pig
was cut into fragments and worked up into delicious sausage. The
occasion will be long remembered by the doctor's friends as one of the
most delightful of their lives. The best pieces can be procured to
tenpence a pound, and we are sure that those who have sat so long under
his ministry will rejoice that he has been treated so handsomely."
>>from an English newspaper in the late 1800s, when two stories--
one on a patent pig-killing and sausage-making machine and the
other on the Rev. Dr. Mudge being presented with a gold-
headed cane--were mistakenly pieced together by typographers<<
-----------------------------------
I was reminded of the above quote by the story about the chauffer who ran
over the pig. Methinks _that_ story could be profitably applied to a
certain pig-like American TV and radio commentator--no names, but his first
name is a four-letter word that rhymes with "flush."
-----------------------------------
Another quote, this one from Robert Anton Wilson's _Schroedinger's Cat
III--The Homing Pigeons_ (unexpurgated 1981 edition):
"When Dr. Dashwood returned from lunch, he was accosted in the ORGRE
parking lot by another sailor, who said his name was Lemuel Gulliver.
'In the course of my Travels in Diverse Lands,' Gulliver said, 'I came
once upon a Race of perfectly Enlightened Beings who looked like Horses
and talked like G. I. Gurdjieff. When they inquired of me regarding the
Laws and Customs and Manners of my people, concerning which I was at some
pains to Inform them correctly and fully, they expressed great
_Astonishment_ and keen _Horror_, saying that they had never heard of
such a Tribe of Conscienceless Rascals and Filthy Scoundrels in all of
creation. This estimate of the Human Race, as you can well imagine,
dismayed me no little bit, and I endeavor'd to defend our species--'
'Yes, yes,' Dashwood said, 'but I'm in a hurry, you understand....'
'These equine Philosophers,' Gulliver went on as if he had not heard,
'were not impressed by any of my Words and said plainly to me that if our
Theologians were not the worst _Lunatics_ in creation, then certainly our
Lawyers were the worst _Thieves_. They averred further that if what I
told them of our Doctors were true, we were wiser to resort to Plumbers
or Blacksmiths, who are no more Ignorant and a great deal less Greedy,
Avaricious, and Rapacious.'
Dashwood was stung by these words. 'It takes a long time and a lot of
money invested to get through medical school,' he said angrily.
'I explained that to my equine Philosphers,' Gulliver replied, 'but they
did not accept it as a Valid Argument; for, they asserted, any Thief or
Scoundrel when apprehended will give you Justifications in Plenty for his
Misdeeds, but the Judicious are not Fool'd by such Rationalizations, and
--they said further--those who prey not upon any chance Passersby, but
upon the _Sick_ and the _Disabled_ and the _Dying_ are, without doubt,
the most Rapacious and Rascally of the _Yahoo Tribe_ (for such was their
Name for our species).'
'Your friends sound like a bunch of damned Communists,' Dashwood said.
'Nay,' Gulliver protested. 'They live in the State of Nature, without
Bureaucrats or Commissars of any kind. And, I might add, Sir, their
Opinion of our Doctors was based upon my showing them an ordinary
_Medical Bill_, at which they inquir'd of me the Average Income of the
Doctors who present these Bills and the Average Income of the Unfortunate
Patients who must pay them or be left without Treatment to Die in the
Streets. Their comments on this were of such Disgust and Anger that I
dared not show them a Psychiatrist's Bill, lest their opinion of our
Species, already Low, should sink Lower than _Whale[shit]_, which is, as
you may know, at the bottom of the Ocean.' "
----------------------------------------
(the _underlined_ words in the above quote were italicized in the original)
--shrEd--
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 1 Mar 1995 03:11:00 0400
From: Jeff Guinzburg <jeff@ISI.NOVIX.NS.CA>
Subject: Apology, Riddle <Off. L. Helmsley>, Vague Advert. (61 Lines)
Apology / More Info re: URGENT PETITION -- Fight Govt. Censorship!! (70
lines):
I am sorry to have burdened the readers of this list with the
abovementioned petition. I have received a host of messages in response to
it, some in thanks, some in flames, and some informative. I have never
believed that I was perpetuating a hoax. I have collected and condensed
(slightly) the informative messages I received below for those of you who
could not get through to the "wookie" address or doubted its legitimacy:
FORWARDED MESSAGE from Steve Gregory (sgregory@pragma.pragma.com) at
2/23/95 7:59 AM [who sent me the message in the first place]...
I must "Tip my hat" to: diver@netcom.netcom.com, johnsona@pacificu.edu, and
dav@kachina.altadena.ca.us [who I guess forwarded it to him]...
On 25 Feb 1995 at 11:22, Josh Dowdell (Josh@Dowdell.com) wrote:
["http://www.wookie.net/~slowdog"] has moved to
"http://www.phantom.com/~slowdog" and is very complete. S.314 looks really
bad. I think this "alert" is really a lobby by CSERVE, AOL, PRODIGY, and
NETCOM but nevertheless a valid concern. I've signed it and sent it on.
What the hell, I'm on 10,000 mailing lists now, what's a few more gonna
matter? I don't want big brother cutting off my free speech no matter what
the medium, voice, data etc....
**** NOTES from Richard Guaraldo (rich@light.mhs.compuserve.com) at 2/25/95
5:52p
I have also attached to "//www.phantom.net/~slowdog" and looked at the
petition and the text of S-314. While I thing the intention of S-314 is
noble, the ramifications are indeed unacceptable. SO I have also signed
the petition.
I do agree that Wookie and Phantom would be a little easier to accept if
they didnt' have what appears to be such immature names. Anyway, it
appears to be on the level....
**** NOTES from Mark Thompson (mthompso@pc.fluke.com) at 26 Feb 1995 1:11p
For those without complete internet access, you can read the full text as
well as the Center for Democracy and Technology (CDT) analysis by sending
email to: s314-info@ctd.org
A co-sponsor of SB314 is Washington State Senator Slade Gorton. His email
address is: senator_gorton@gorton.senate.gov
Riddle:
Q: What statement, which normally calms the intended recipient, would
enrage Leona Helmsley if said to her face?
A: "Nice doggy!"
Vague Advertising: A major long-distance phone company currently has an
offer "if you spend $25 a month with us on long distance, well give you 20%
off". Does this mean that if you make $25 in calls, you'll get to pay just
$20, or does it mean that you have to make $31.25 in calls before you get
to pay just $25? In other words, is it possible to pay between $20 and $25
(non-inclusive) per month under this plan? The TV ads come nowhere close
to explaining. Comments from the advertiser in question and its
competition on this ad welcome.
Best Regards, Jeff.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 1 Mar 1995 09:49:05 -0500
From: Thomas Rowe <trowe@UWSPMAIL.UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Partisan Translation Guide <G>
The following was pulled off the college ice hockey discussion list.
Handy Translation Guide:
Our Team Your Team
Aggresive Mean
Enforcer Goon
off night finally playing as expected
finally playing lucky
as expected
lucky cheaters
robbed by ref got what you had coming
defensive thugs
offensive tricky/swishy
loyal fans out of control jerks & physcos
loyal boosters out to buy the championship
spirited chippy <hockey term for foul play>
intense sore losers
hard-hitting gooned it up
SA's hired guns
minor indescretion out of control jerks & physcos
unappreciated overrated
You could probably translate this to your favorite sport with only minor
revisions.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 1 Mar 1995 12:20:56 EST
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Laxative joke <off. to Irishmen>
Two Irishmen came to America, got off the boat and saw a billboard
saying "Take Ex-Lax and feel young again!" One of them bought a
package of Ex-Lax at a nearby drugstore and took a few tablets. After
a short time he didn't feel any younger so he took several more
tablets. Still no change, so he took them all. Later, his buddy asked
if he had started to feel young again and he replied, "I'm not really
sure...but I just did a very childish thing." Lyle's Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 1 Mar 1995 18:55:55 -0000
From: Michael Forster <mforster@FINDHORN.ORG>
Subject: Alien Contact (Innuendo)
Dear Earthling,
Hello! I am a creature from a galaxy far away, visiting your planet. I
have transformed myself into this text file. As you are reading it I am
having sex with your eyeballs. I know you like it because you are
smiling. Please pass me on to someone else because I am really horny.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 1 Mar 1995 11:23:00 PST
From: Jeff Rollosson Halbhuber <JeffRH@ASYMETRIX.COM>
Subject: Travel Tips from Those Who Know
[The following is excerpted from Tales from The Hip (Winder 95, Number 2),
the Tragically Hip newsletter.]
** Travel Tips From Those Who Know... **
Here are a few things we have learned over the years that
might make your travels more pleasant...
1. When in Europe remember that there is no such thing as
_Supereurodiesel_ and do not, I repeat, do not put unleaded gas
into a diesel van. Especially don't do this at 5:00 AM at the
Dutch/Belgian frontier.
2. Find the flusher. European bathrooms are strange but,
don't panic it's in there somewhere.
3. Don't drink the coffee at the _Little Big Horn_ truck
stop in Montana. Trust us on this one.
4. If the front desk clerk at your hotel is behind bullet-
proof plexiglas, find another hotel.
5. Swiss border guards carry machine guns and seem well
versed in their use. Also their guard dogs can drive cars and are
quick to take offence.
6. If you get on a ferry with 200 drunken Danish soccer
fans, well... you asked for it.
7. The road from Washington to Pittsburgh does not go
through Philadelphia.
8. At Heathrow Airport, the shortest distance between two
points is not a straight line. There is no shortest distance
between two points at Heathrow.
9. There is a direct correlation between fatigue and
proximity of screaming infants on overseas flights: the more
exhausted you are, the closer the screaming infant.
10. When you die, if you've been bad you won't go to hell.
You go to Heathrow Airport.
The Tragically Hip are a Canadian Rock band. For more information, write to
thehip@hookup.net.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 1 Mar 1995 14:50:26 -0500
From: Jascha Franklin-Hodge <joeshmoe@WORLD.STD.COM>
Subject: The Canonical List of Taglines
This is just a sample. The complete list is more than 130K. Follow the
instructions below to receive the complete list.
"The Canonical List of Taglines"
Maintained by Jascha Franklin-Hodge
joeshmoe@world.std.com
Last Update: 1994/03/01 2:43pm EST
To receive an updated copy of this list:
via EMAIL:
Send email to joeshmoe@world.std.com
put the text "send taglines.txt" in the SUBJECT HEADER
an automatic mailer will respond
via FTP:
This list is available from ftp.std.com, in the directory
/pub/joeshmoe/humor/taglines.txt
via WWW:
Connect to LaughWEB (http://www.misty.com/laughweb)
Choose "Enter LaughWEB" from the introductory screen.
Choose "Canonical Lists" from the main screen
Choose "Taglines"
To make an addition to the list:
Send email to joeshmoe@world.std.com
put the text "add taglines.txt" in the SUBJECT HEADER
put the tagline(s) you wish to add in the message body.
please DO NOT put any additional information in the message
you will be sent a confirmation message by the automailer
Clap on! (clap, clap) Clap off! (clap@#&$NO CARRIER
** ** <- Tribbles Snorkelling
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." Bill Gates '81
"90% of all statistics are made up"
"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject."
"A little work, a little sleep, a little love and it is all over." - R. Frost
"A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience." -Doug Larson
"Apple" (c) 6024 b.c., Adam & Eve
"Apple" (c) Copyright 1767, Sir Isaac Newton.
"Bad knee, gotta run" - Pat Buchanan to his draft board
"Beam me aboard, Scotty." "Sure. Will a 2x10 do?"
"Beulah, peel me a grape."
"Bother," said Pooh as Earnhardt won again!
"Bother," said Pooh as the brakes went out!
"Build a watch in 179 easy steps" by C. Forsberg.
"C++" should have been called "D"
"COINCIDENCE" happens.
"Calvin, we will not have an anatomically correct snowman!"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 1 Mar 1995 17:13:09 GMT
From: "Juan E. Mikalef" <jmikalef@AR.ORACLE.COM>
Subject: ANTI- WINDOWS oneliners <off to MS lovers>
Who the hell is that general Protection Failure who's writting on my disk???
Doble your disk space!!! Delete Windows
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 Mar 1995 01:30:02 GMT
From: Ed Lambert <ed.lambert@LIFESCAN.COM>
Subject: In The News - Political, off to lawyers, Illegals, Kato, Steve Howe
In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times
Includes late night humor
Republicans are upset because President Clinton signed a loan deal for
Mexico with no collateral. How can they say there was no collateral? We
have half their people here?
While visiting Canada, Warren Christopher became ill. This has to be
embarrasing for President Clinton. His own Secretary of State waits to
become ill until he's in a country that actually has a health care plan.
OJ Update
Friday's court session had to be cut short because Marcia Clark didn't
have child care. Why didn't they just call Kato? You know he wasn't busy
and he definitely needs the work.
Judge Ito wants to take jurors to a Dodger game in April, but he has
ruled that if replacement players are used, only alternate jurors can
go.
Detective Tom Lange is the most boring witness. I hear that at the crime
scene, they kept trying to cover him with a sheet. He had a hard time
convincing the jury that police always use powdered doughnuts to dust
for prints.
In other news...
The jury deliberated for 10 hours before convicting Colin Ferguson in
the Long Island Rail Road shooting. Actulally, they spent nine of those
hours on the floor...laughing at him. He plans to appeal. He says he was
unfit to stand trial. Once the verdict was read, he said he was glad it
was his client and not him going to prison.
George Steinbrenner really has a problem. His replacement player for
Steve Howe failed his drug test. At lease Steve would never cross a
line. Snort it maybe, but never cross it.
A new Wilmington Delaware law requires permits for panhandlers. Beggars
say it isn't fair. Some of them will have to work a second corner in
order to pay the fees.
UPDATE
In response to my appeal for "Bumperstickers we's LIKE to see" - they're
still coming. I will post them here soon. Remember, these are NOT actual
bumperstickers. Make up your own bumpersticker in response to those
irritating ones like "My Kid is an honor student at Blah Blah school".
Be creative, have fun, be the first on your block, send a picture of
yourself or someone who looks just like you..." Oops, sorry. That was
National Lampoon.
And remember Bunsen camping gear - be the first on your block to get
your Bunsen Gear!
Buh bye! 00
\/
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End of HUMOR Digest - 28 Feb 1995 to 1 Mar 1995
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