Topics of the day:

1. Lets Talk About Sex And Me! >Gay sex, gross things, language<
2. Bad! Xmas
3. Ways I know I've had too much coffee
4. Old cars
5. help with legal jokes (Lawyer Bashing) (fwd)
6. South Asian Humor: Beggars can be choosers
7. Kentucky <Bashing> (1 of 2)
8. Miscellaneous Quotes Part 1/3 [G-rated]
9. <No subject given> (3)
10. Apology to the list (may offend religious people)
11. Limmerick/Off. to Republicans
12. Donkeys or mules?
13. Sick Wife <adult themes>
14. RFJ-request for jokes

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Sun, 29 Jan 1995 01:33:40 -0500
From: Timothy Abicht <ERIOND@AOL.COM>
Subject: Lets Talk About Sex And Me! >Gay sex, gross things, language<

I got laid tonight. Its nothing special; I just had a few comments
about my "date" that I thought were rather funny. [Some quick background: my
date was a male couple looking for a third guy for a threesome, they made
contact with me through an online service (yes, it was AOL) they were both
their early thirties.]

1) I was asked if I minded arriving around 10:15 pm. I was told was
told by Mr L (Names have been changed to protect the innocent) that he lived
next door to his mother; and he didn't want her to know that he was gay. If
he lives with another man, even if they didn't share the same bedroom, I'd
say thats a fairly good clue.

2) Being called a "trick" was a new experience too. Granted I know
that I was doing this to get laid, but "trick"? It makes the whole encounter
sound so... whorish, like I was prostituting myself for quick and easy sex.
[Well, I want the good safe sex, but I'm not going sell my body from a
street corner...] Don't ever call someone you're going to have sex with a
trick; it might be me and I'd be very unhappy. I've decided I don't like the
word.

3) If you're a non-smoker and you despise cigarrette smoke; its a bad
sign when you step into their home and it reeks of cigarette smoke. I should
have checked if they smoked before I went over. I can get fairly nauseated
and/or sick at the smell. I DEFINITELY said "Yes, I do" when I was asked if
Mr L smoked (unfiltered, for pete's sake!). Hindsight can be a depressing
thing sometimes. Especially when you nearly hurl the first time you suck
face when the smoker and you can _TASTE_ that awful stench.

4) When they suggest that you "all go upstairs to watch a movie" you
KNOW you're going to get laid; particularly if its in a bedroom and they turn
on a porno flick. However, are you suppposed to shuck all your clothes at
once and hop onto the bed, or are you supposed to do what I did and let them
make themselves comfortable, then join them and let them make the first move?

5) When you're kissing Mr M, and Mr L is busy sucking your cock, you
need to be aware of what they are doing. I got rimmed for the first time
because I had no idea that Mr L was going to move from my cock to my balls,
then down from my balls to start rimming me. I'd never done that before and
quite frankly, I was not turned on. In fact, I was glad when he stopped. I
should have said something then. Mr M proceeded to do the same thing to me
while Mr L was busily sucking my vomit out of my throat. These were the guys
who said that they weren't into raunch; I'd definitely consider rimming
raunch.

6) There were two good things (sort-of) about the whole fiasco: Mr M
was a great, willing kisser and very touch-feelie, and they had a whole stack
towels right by bed; which came in handy to clean up after ourselves.
However, don't wear your watch into sex. [How shall I put this...Baldly, I
think.] Cum gets stuck in the band. Your watch will feel slimy when you
take it off. (Plus, cum *stains* certain cloths, especial cloth car seats
(as friends of mine found out the hard way, imagine how they explained THAT
to a prospective buyer of their car). You just gotta be careful!

Despite the fact that Mr M was a FABULOUS kisser and that he was also quite
taken with my furry body, I was very uncomfortable and wanted to get out. I
came twice, got sleepy, then said I was tired and had better go. An hour
after I got there, I left. And I didn't get "laid" in the traditional sense;
but great make out sessions and a blowjob will satisfy the requirements for
me (mostly).

The really funny thing about all this was that at the beginning of the porn
flick there was a big sign flased on the screen. Mr L and Mr M both said they
agreed heartily with it; it read:
Always Practice Safe Sex!

[I'd hardly consider rimming safe sex. Kissing perhaps, and sucking cock
without a condom is just over the line of unsafe, but rimming is WAY over
there in Siberia!]

Well, have fun, practice safe sex, and don't do anything that you
shouldn't/wouldn't do!

- Tim Abicht -

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 29 Jan 1995 03:57:00 PST
From: Jack Kolb <IKW4GWI@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Bad! Xmas

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

You think you got it bad.

All night long, soot in the chimneys, smelly socks, cross
dogs, shot at, mistaken for a stork, driving all night in the
snow, darn near killed in the backwash of a 757, Mrs. Claus mad
because I got in too late.

AND THAT ISN'T ALL

Donner and Blitzen and Rudolph got the diarrhea over
Albuquerque and you should see my suit. The stupid elves won't
clean the sleigh unless I pay them double time.

I am so sick of cookies and milk, I could vomit. The only
highball I had all night is when I slipped getting out of the
sleigh.

My prostrate is giving me hell, peed my pants at 20,000 feet
and froze to the seat. Allergic to pine needles, I itch all over.
I think my hemorrhoids are back.

HO! HO! HO!

Merry Christmas, my butt!

{Thanks to Pat Snider and Gary Guibor}

Jack Kolb
IKW4GWI@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 29 Jan 1995 12:05:28 -0500
From: Jennifer Schmidt <JenSch@AOL.COM>
Subject: Ways I know I've had too much coffee

1. Seeing elephants
2. Trying to catch said elephants
3. Disco dancing around my cubicle at work
4. Had to remortgage the house to buy more expresso
5. Bartender told me I'd had enough
6. Those sloshing sounds when I walk
7. Shaking too much to hook up the coffee IV
8. Supporting the other half of the Columbian GDP
9. Been to the john 15 times in the last 30 minutes
10. Seizures are starting to effect my driving

:) Jennifer Schmidt & John Beaver
JenSch@aol.com

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 29 Jan 1995 11:44:46 PST
From: "Roger Taranto <RTARANTO.US.ORACLE.COM>" <RTARANTO@US.ORACLE.COM>
Subject: Old cars

Joe meets Bob on the street, and they chat for a while, getting
caught up on each others' lives. Finally, Joe asks, "Are you still
driving that old car?"
Bob replies, "Yeah. I can't get rid of it -- who would want to
buy a car with 60,000 miles on it?"
Joe says, "No, no, no. You take it to a mechanic and have him
roll back the odometer to 10,000 miles."
So, a few weeks later, they run into each other again, and Joe asks, "So,
did you take the car to the mechanic and have him roll back the odometer?"
"Yeah."
"So, did you sell it?"
"No -- who would want to sell a car with 10,000 miles on it?"

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 29 Jan 1995 15:15:04 EST
From: Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: Re: help with legal jokes (Lawyer Bashing) (fwd)

Passed on from a reader:

Paul Robinson
For Bill Edwards, Humor List

Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET (uga.cc.uga.edu)
=====================================================================
To leave HUMOR send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF HUMOR
To subscribe send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SUB HUMOR Call-
name FamilyName. A command goes in the 1st line of the message field.
----------------------------Original message----------------------------
From: TOyler@oznet.ksu.edu (Trisha Oyler)
Subject: Re: help with legal jokes (Lawyer Bashing)
Date: 27 Jan 95 10:42:38 CST

Here are a couple I heard just the other day:

The difference between the unsuccessful lawyer and one who will
make it: The unsuccessful lawyer has his hands in his *own* pockets!

The problem with lawyer jokes is that most lawyers don't think
they are funny, and most people don't understand that they're just
jokes!

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 29 Jan 1995 16:42:07 -0500
From: Bill Edwards <Edwards@IITM.ERNET.IN>
Subject: South Asian Humor: Beggars can be choosers

DHAKA: Beggars believe that they can be choosers in the
southwestern Bangladeshi town of Jessore--more than 200 beggars,
mostly women, forwarded a six-point charter of demands at a
public meeting recently. The demands were announced at a rally in
Jessore town last Friday where the beggars said "We are treated
worse than cats and dogs". Among the demands are: (1) beggars
must be given a minimum of Re. 1 or 250 gms of rice in lieu of
cash, (2) beggars must be given invitation cards to wedding
feasts, (3) beggars will not be treated as uninvited guests, (4)
an end to serving beggars leftover food in discarded utensils,
(5) beggars must be given alms as soon as they show up at your
doors, and (6) beggars be served food at a place closed to public
view. Source: Press Trust of Indian (THE HINDU, Saturday, 21
January 1995, p. 10)

I'm a visiting professor at Madras Christian College, Madras,
India, until March and I will be in northern India in March. If
any of ur Indian subscribers are interested in private exchange,
I would welcome an opportunity to communicate with you while I'm
in India. Best wishes, Bill, absent HUMOR listowner
<Edwards@iitm.ernet.in> The address is case sensitive.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 29 Jan 1995 16:58:19 -0500
From: Chip Depue <EDEPUE@AOL.COM>
Subject: Kentucky <Bashing> (1 of 2)

APPLICATION TO LIVE IN KENTUCKY (Unknown Author) ( 1 of 2 )

Name:__________________________ Nickname:____________________
Address:_____________________________ RFD#:__________
CB Handle:____________

***************************************************************************

PERSONAL INFORMATION:

Daddy: (if unknown, attach list of suspects):______________________________
Mama:________________________________

Education (circle highest grade completed): K 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8
Have you obtained higher education? ___Yes ___No
-If yes to the above, what year did you get your G.E.D.? ________

Do you own (or plan to own) shoes?: ___Yes ___No

Shade of Neck: ___Light Red ___Medium Red ___Dark Red

Length of Legs: Left:_______ Right:______

Are you married to any of the following:
___Sister/Brother ___Cousin ___Niece/Nephew ___Aunt/Uncle

Club/Organization Memberships:
___NRA ___VFW ___Masons ___Sons/Daughters of the Confederacy
___KKK ___PTL ___American Legion

Preferred foods:
___Grits ___Chitlins ___Cobbler ___Taters
___Goobers ___Red Eye Gravy ___Fatback ___Pig Skins
___Collards ___Sawmill gravy ___Biscuits ___Cornbread
___Side Meat ___Molasses ___Poke ___'shine
___Pinto beans ___Turnip Greens ___RC & Moon Pies ___Potted meat and
Crackers

Favorite Vocalists/Groups:
___Porter Waggoner ___Conway Twitty ___Boxcar Willie ___Charlie
Daniels
___Tammy Wynette ___Loretta Lynn ___Johnny Cash ___Barbara
Mandrell
___Willie Nelson ___Hank Willams ___Dwight Yoakum ___The Judds
___Alabama ___George Jones ___Bellamy Brothers ___Randy Travis

Favorite Recreation:
___Drankin' ___Spittin' backy ___Front Porch Rockin'
___Square Dancin' ___Skinny Dippin' ___Liar's Bench
___Possum Huntin' ___Bull Chip Throwin' ___Cloggin'
___Fishin' ___Spotlighting (deer) ___Cockfights

**************************************************************************

FAMILY INFORMATION:

How many children do you have (circle appropriate number):
5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 More

How many children do you suspect you have, not listed above:____________

Total number of dependents: Legal________ Claimed________

Is your spouse heavier than your pick up truck: ___Yes ___No

**************************************************************************

OCCUPATIONAL INFORMATION:

How do you plan to earn your income while living in Kentucky:
___Coal Mine ___Raise Horses/Cattle ___Recieve Welfare ___Raise tobacco
___Farm ___Steal Horses/Cattle ___Moonshine ___Raise Marijuan
a

**************************************************************************

Chip ;)

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 29 Jan 1995 19:12:28 -0500
From: Tim Abicht <TimAbicht@AOL.COM>
Subject: Miscellaneous Quotes Part 1/3 [G-rated]

1. Pressure is playing for $50 a hole with only $5 in your pocket. -- Lee
Trevino
2. A halo has to fall only a few inches to become a noose. -- Farmers
Almanac
3. If you think OSHA is a small town in Wisconsin, you're in trouble.
4. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. --
Wilcox's Law
5. All kookies are not in a jar.
6. I never give them hell. I just tell the truth and they think it's hell.
-- Harry Truman
7. Legend --- a lie that has attained the dignity of age. -- H. L. Mencken
8. Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children.
9. Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. -- Horner's Five-Thump
Postulate
10. Wet manure is slippery. -- OSHA discovery
11. A leader in the Democratic Party is a boss, in the Republican Party he is
a leader.
-- Harry Truman
12. Live every day as if it were your last and then some day you'll be right.
13. People will buy anything that's one to a customer. -- Lewis' Law
14. Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week.
-- Will Rogers
15. The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can
blame it on. -- Jones' Law
16. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. --
Will Rogers
17. The scenery only changes for the lead dog.
18. The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work
19. The good die young --- because they see it's no use living if you've got
to be good.
-- John Barrymore
20. If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong
lane.
21. When better business decisions are made, economists won't make them.
-- H. V. Prochnow
22. Talent in staff work or sales will recurringly be interpreted as
managerial ability.
-- Boyle's Law
23. What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel. -- Frank Adams
24. Mrs. Murphy's Law: Mr. Murphy was an optimist.
25. If you're coasting, you're going downhill.
26. Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.
27. Old age is an incurable disease.
28. For the first time in history, one bag of groceries produces two bags of
trash.
-- Orben's Packaging Discovery
29. Marriage is a lottery, but you can't tear up your ticket if you lose. --
F. M. Knowles
30. Diplomacy - the art of saying ``Nice doggie'' 'til you can find a stick.
-- Wynn Catlin
31. You can't fall off the floor. -- Murphy's Law
32. Just when I finally figure out where it's at ... somebody moves it.
-- Chataqua Boulevard Law
33. You should have seen it when I got it. -- Bureaucratic Cop-out #1
34. Fans don't boo ``nobodies''.
35. A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. -- Milton
Berle
36. I'm proud of paying taxes. The only thing is I could be just as proud
for half the money. -- Arthur
Godfrey
37. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
-- Earl Wilson
38. I'm opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the
same opportunity.
-- Mark Twain
39. Automatic simply means that you can't repair it yourself. -- Mark Waldrip
40. If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati --- everything
comes there ten years later. -- Will
Rogers
41. Lawyers are like beavers. They get in the main stream and jam it up. --
W. Freund
42. One place where you're sure to find the perfect driver is in the back
seat.
-- Homer Phillips
43. Somebody left the cork out of my lunch. -- W. C. Fields
44. Aaeeeyaayaaayaaya. -- Johnny Weismuller
45. Gray hair is God's graffiti. -- Bill Cosby
46. He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.
47. I'd give $1000 to be a millionaire. -- Lewis Timberlake
48. 95% of this game is half mental. -- Yogi Berra
49. Taco Bell is not a Mexican telephone company.
50. A Smith and Wesson beats four aces. -- Canada Bill Jones

To Be Continued...

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 29 Jan 1995 19:24:40 -0500
From: Paul Robinson <paul@TDR.COM>
Subject: <No subject given>

quiet add humor-p Jhun=Deleon%Support%DHK@smtpgate.datacraft-asia.com Jhun Deleon

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 29 Jan 1995 19:24:50 -0500
From: Paul Robinson <paul@TDR.COM>
Subject: <No subject given>

quiet add humor-p cgm4f@curry.edschool.virginia.edu "Carl G. Mattacola"

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 29 Jan 1995 19:24:51 -0500
From: Paul Robinson <paul@TDR.COM>
Subject: <No subject given>

quiet add humor-p jthorson@unomaha.edu James Thorson

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 29 Jan 1995 20:01:46 -0500
From: Paul Robinson <paul@TDR.COM>
Subject: Apology to the list (may offend religious people)

I wish to apologize to the list for sending maintenance traffic.
Please ignore those messages; they were supposed to go to listserv.

Larry (he's the guy who enforces the rules here) please don't make me
take away my posting priveleges! It was an accident, I swear! I didn't
even see the nun or the school bus! I...Oh...Wait...Wrong Accident, never
mind.

Now, does anyone have any suggestions on how I punish myself for violating
two rules of humor? (1) I sent three messages in one day and (2) I sent
non-jokes to the list. Perhaps I should offer a "mea culpa". Only
problem is I'm not Jewish. Or I could offer to perform an Auto-da'fe
only I'm not Catholic. If someone has some suggestions on how I can
perform an act of contrition for violating the rules of this list, please
write me privately.

I'll pass on the best suggestions. Assuming I live through them.

I'd suggest boiling in oil, but unfortunately that would be too expensive.

I'd suggest being stretched on a rack, only problem is that I'm so large
it would break before I could be tied to it.

I know, I could order myself given four lashes with a cane. Naah, people
would consider it too brutal and would boycott the list. But then again,
I could use the book royalties.

I could go on talk shows and talk about the opression of minorities
such as mailing list managers and how we are downtrodden by the racist
opressors. The only problem with this is that I'm a white male myself and
people would not think I was serious. Hey, I'm running a humor list, I'm
not *supposed* to be serious.

I know what I'll do. I'll pretend it never happened, then remove the
subscription to the Humor list of anyone who complains, plus have their
E-Mail account cancelled. That should prevent anyone from complaining.

Paul Robinson, Junta Leader of the Humor List
For Bill Edwards, deposed Listowner

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 30 Jan 1995 10:59:57 JST
From: Chris <KOXCW@JPNKIT.BITNET>
Subject: Limmerick/Off. to Republicans

Dr. Strangelove was crazy as hell,
And his hand was creepy as well,
But compared to Bob Dole in the President's role,
I think the doctor'd be swell.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 29 Jan 1995 20:38:06 -0500
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Donkeys or mules?

Two privates stationed at Fort Campbell were handed shovels and told to bury
a large dead animal. While digging they got into an argument about what they
were burying.
"This here's a big mule!"
"This ain't no mule, this here's a donkey."
"Mule!"
"Donkey!"
Well, this went on for a while 'till the camp chaplain came by.
"What are you boys doing?"
"We're diggin' a grave for this mule."
"Donkey, dammit!"
The chaplain cut in, "Boys, this isn't either one, it's an ass."
An hour later the camp commander came up and said, "What are you men doing,
digging a foxhole?"
"No sir, we're diggin' an asshole"

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 29 Jan 1995 22:13:51 EST
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Sick Wife <adult themes>

A woman had been seriously ill for sometime and had tried many doctors
but to no avail. Finally, she found a new doctor and came home smiling
and happy and announced, "My doctor told me if I have sex 15 times in
the next 30 days I will be completely restored to health." Her husband
thought it over for a few minutes, turned to his wife and said, "Put me
down for 5."

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 29 Jan 1995 22:42:15 -0500
From: Kent Cockrum <KENTCO@AOL.COM>
Subject: RFJ-request for jokes

Greetings
I am looking for jokes about Investment Bankers, Venture Capitalists or the
financial community. Not much hope it is not like they are as easy to make
fun of as attorneys. Anyways I have to make a presentation to this kind of
group and would at least like to make them smile as I ask them for money
thanks
Kent "The real trick to carrying on is not getting carried away"

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 28 Jan 1995 to 29 Jan 1995
************************************************