Topics of the day:
1. Racists in Space (offensive to racists)
2. SEX SHIFT <MAYBE AFFRONT FOR SEAMEM>
3. Flatus Research - inoffensive
4. The Commandments of Operational Security
5. Hung Kong <adult themes>
6. Slightly Offensive
7. Simulated near death experience
8. Franz
9. praying
10. a haiku
11. Dictator Stalin joke
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Date: Mon, 29 May 1995 09:55:18 MEZ
From: Christian Doll <UZS000@IBM.RHRZ.UNI-BONN.DE>
Subject: Racists in Space (offensive to racists)
Q: Many pro-racism organisations are planning expeditions to leave earth
and to travel into the depth of Space. Why?
A: They like it out there. No intelligence....
(adapted from a German TV show)
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 29 May 1995 11:50:01 LCL
From: BEN SHAUL <UO516@IBMVM.HAI.IEC.CO.IL>
Subject: SEX SHIFT <MAYBE AFFRONT FOR SEAMEM>
========SYS.LIMIT MAY BE UPPER CASE========
THE NEW SAILOR ENTER THE SKIPPER CABIN FOR INSTRUCTION.
THE SKIPPER "ON SUNDAY,MONDAY,TUESDAY,WEDNESDAY,THURSDAY AND
SATURDAY YOU'LL WORK UNTIL 7 P.M. AT 7 P.M. YOU CAN GO TO THE
LOWER DECK,THERE YOU'LL FIND A BARREL WITH HOLE IN IT, YOU CAN
USE THE BARREL FOR YOUR SEXUAL FANTASY UNTIL THE NEXT GUY ARRIVED"
THE SAILOR "SOUND GREAT,BUT WHAT ABOUT FRIDAY?"
THE SKIPPER "ON FRIDAY,SAILOR,IT IS YOUR TURN TO SIT IN THE BARREL"
===============================================================
SORRY,SYS.LIMIT,MAY BE IN UPPER CASE.NOT OFFENSIVE OR SHOUTING!
===============================================================
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 29 May 1995 15:32:27 +2
From: Steve Rossouw <STEVE@COMMERCE.CTECH.AC.ZA>
Subject: Flatus Research - inoffensive
Blown up from Down Under
`The Sydney Morning Herald, February 2, 1995
column: MAN TROUBLE
Jill Margo
TAIL WIND
The average healthy Australian bloke passes wind 12 times a
day. He releases about half a litre of gas, enough to blow up a
small balloon. These days, we know more about farting than ever
before. Fearless investigators have collected emissions from all
sorts of people on all sorts of diets and documented their
findings.
They know what farts are made of, how much they weigh, why
some are noisy and what different aromas can mean. They tell us
women average only seven a day and report more than half of these
are odourless. Men report an odour two thirds of the time.
Everyone has intestinal gas. People swallow air as they eat
and drink. Some gulp air when they are nervous. Often this comes
back up as a burp, but once the air gets through the stomach, the
only way out is the back passage.
Gas is also created in the intestines by bacterial activity;
while some is used or re-absorbed, the rest has only one escape
route.
When Sydney gastroenterologist Professor Terry Bolin and
nutritionist Rosemary Stanton wrote a book on intestinal gas, they
were amazed at the response. Their book, Wind Breaks, is now in its
third printing and is also being published overseas.
They say the amount of gas a man produces depends on
his diet and the kind of bacteria living in his bowel. In a study
they conducted, men had farting-range from three to 38 a day.
(Volunteers were each given a hand counter to keep in their pockets
and click everytime they passed wind. Other researchers insert
a small catheter into the rectum to count emissions.)
Some men pass small volumes of gas often and others pass
larger volumes less often. Farting frequency depends on the
sensitivity of the walls of the rectum. If the walls are sensitive
to small amounts of distension, the man will pass small volumes
more often than if his rectum tolerates greater distension.
With age, the bowel becomes less elastic and more sensitive to
being distended. This means older men often can't hold in gas and
so pass wind more frequently, without actually producing more gas.
Dr Michael Levitt, of Minnesot , US, who has published widely
on flatus, says farts are made up of five main gases: nitrogen,
oxygen, hydrogen, methane and carbon dioxide. All of these are
odourless; it is traces of other chemicals that give each fart its
unique aroma.
Men who seek medical help for wind are usually concerned about
aroma, fearing that a pungent smell indicates bowel disease. But
Bolin says odours are usually the result of diet and rarely due to
colitis or bowel cancer.
Many protein foods, including meat and eggs, contribute to
flatal odour. Some spices and herbs also produce pungent aromas as
do onions, garlic and concentrates like shrimp paste. Writing in
the latest issue of Australian Doctor, Rosemary Stanton is
concerned that fear of flatulence is keeping people from increasing
their dietary fibre. There is a correlation between fibre and
flatulence, but people who don't eat enough fibre still
produce gas.
A Melbourne gastroenterologist, Dr James St John, says there
are different types of fibre: people who feel uncomfortable after
eating one type should find another that suits them.
Some foods have a reputation for causing flatulence, but there
are ways of reducing their gas-producing potential. For example
mildly cooked cabbage causes less flatulence than limp, overcooked
cabbage. Soaking beans and then discarding the soaking water
before cooking reduces their gas potential. Dr Levitt has found
(unsoaked) beans increase the average person's output of gas by a
factor of 10.
Beans have always suffered bad press. Even Saint Jerome is
said to have forbidden his nuns to eat beans, believing that in
partibus genitalibus titillationes producunt (they tickle the
genitals).
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 29 May 1995 10:15:00 EST
From: Hugh Pritchard <0006348214@MCIMAIL.COM>
Subject: The Commandments of Operational Security
(Courtesy of my wife, who used to be in the military)
I. Thou shalt not park thy helicopter in the open, for it
bringeth the rain of steel.
II. Thou shalt not expose thy shiny mess gear, for it
bringeth unwanted guests to chow.
III. Thou shalt not wear white T-shirts, or thine enemies
will dye them red.
IV. Thou shalt provide overhead concealment, for thine
enemies' eyes are upon thee.
V. Thou shalt cover thy tall antenna, for fly swatters
groweth not in yon wood.
VI. Thou shalt use a red lens on thy flashlight, or it shall
appear as a star in the East.
VII. Thou shalt cover the glass on thy vehicle, for the glare
telleth thine enemy thy location.
VIII. Thou shalt blend with thy surroundings, for trees groweth
not in yon desert.
IX. Thou shalt cover the tracks of thy vehicle, for they
draweth pretty pictures.
X. Thou shalt cover thy face, hands, and helmet, for thine
enemies maketh war not on bushes.
XI. Thou shalt not drape thy net on thy tent, for it looketh
like tent draped in net.
XII. Thou shalt hide the wires of thy commo, for they
pointeth to thee.
XIII. Thou shalt practice the art of dispersion, or one round
will finish you all.
XIV. Thou shalt pick up thy trash and litter, for they
exposeth thy presence.
XV. Thou shalt conceal the noise of thy generator, for thine
enemies are listening.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 29 May 1995 11:52:24 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Hung Kong <adult themes>
Today, I'm wearing my Burger King underwear...the home of the whopper.
Lyle's Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 29 May 1995 13:03:39 EDT
From: Deanna Knight <DLKNIGHT@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: Slightly Offensive
A happily married man, Irving Topper, found himself driving through a badly
paved country road in upstate Rhinebeck, New York. A sudden flat tire sent
the car wobbling to a standstill.
The lights in a nearby health manor invited Topper to rap on the door. An
attractive lady opened the door and asked what she could do for him. He
told her his problem and wondered if he could seek the shelter of her house
until dawn, whe he would repair the flat. The lady agreed and invited him
into her parlor.
One word led to another; one drink let to another; one touch led to another.
Irving Topper was soon divested of his clothes and snuggling in the lady's
bed with an equally naked lady.
In the morning Topper thanked her for her hospitality, told her his name was
Herman Thompson, changed his tire, and drove off.
About six months later, Topper received a call from his friend Herman Thompson.
"Hey," said Thompson, "did you ever give my name to a lady in Rhinebeck, New
York?"
"Well, yes" answered Topper. "You know I am a married man, and I have a
lovely wife and child. I gave her your name because you're a bachelor, and
I didn't want any complications. I hope I didn't get you into any trouble."
"No, no, on the contrary," replied his friend. "Her lawyer called me to
inform me that I had inherited the manor and the lady's entire estate!"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 29 May 1995 19:51:32 -0000
From: Michael Forster <mforster@FINDHORN.ORG>
Subject: Simulated near death experience
John Goodfellow wrote in alt.consciousness:
In article <mjh.105.000C6D24@primenet.com> mjh@primenet.com (Michael
Heicklen) writes:
>Has anyone ever experienced the symptoms described in a near death
experience
>without actually "dying?" I'm wondering whether it can be recreated with
>hypnosis, music, etc.
>Thanks
Try going to a Pink Floyd concert. You'll feel like you've been there for
months but on Earth, it's only been a couple of hours. You'll see strange
lights and visions of hell selling T-shirts. Off in the distance, surrounded
by a heavenly glow, you'll see beings who used to be musicians performing
a strange ritual with a fog machine and a DAT recorder.
Don't mention it
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 29 May 1995 15:25:41 -0400
From: Larry Scott <scott@BUFFNET.NET>
Subject: Franz
As Franz Kafka awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself
transformed into a raging bull elephant. He charged around his room with
his trunk sticking straight up making loud trumpeting noises. The picture
of the lady in furs came crashing down, the vase of anemones tipped over.
Suddenly afraid that his family might discover him, Franz stuck his
enormous head out of the window overlooking the courtyard.
But it was too late. His parents and sisters had already been awakened
by the racket, and rushed into his room. All of them gasped simultaneously
as they stared at the great bulk of Franz's rump. Then Franz pulled his
head and turned toward them, looking sheepish. Finally, after an awkward
couple of minutes in which no one spoke, Franz's mother went over and
rested her cheek against his trunk and said, "Are you ill, dear?" Franz let
loose a bloodcurdling blast, and his mother slipped to the floor. Franz's
father was about to help her but noticed the anemones tipped over on the
table. He picked them up and threw them out the window, saying, "With Franz
like this, who needs anemones?"
Thanks to Dave Coble <dave.coble@equinox.org> :-)
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 29 May 1995 16:58:24 EDT
From: Ann Dellarocco <anndell@RDZ.STJOHNS.EDU>
Subject: praying
Date: May 29, 1995
From: Ann Dellarocco (anndell@rdz.stjohns.edu)
Subject: praying
Did you hear about the captain of a large vessel who realized
he was facing a severe storm, and the ship was sinking very rapidly.
He turned and shouted: Does anyone know how to pray?
One male answered: "Aye, Sir, I know how to pray."
Captain: "Well you go ahead and pray while we put on our life
jackets. We are one short."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 29 May 1995 19:06:00 -0400
From: Jim Goldman <JimGPhynn@AOL.COM>
Subject: a haiku
Fellow humor lovers, I present unto you the only haiku I have written...
My eyes just fell out
And rolled away down the street
Please don't step on me
Jim G. Phynn
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 29 May 1995 21:58:03 EDT
From: EMPATHY Listowner <EDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: Dictator Stalin joke
At a public meeting the Soviet Premier Khrushchev was denouncing
Stalin. Somebody from the audience shouted. "As one of his colleagues
at the time, why didn't you stop him?"
There was deathly stillness. Khrushchev thundered "Who said that?"
There was no response. After a long and petrified silence Khrushchev
replied to his question himself, "Now you know why?"
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 28 May 1995 to 29 May 1995
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