Topics of the day:
1. ABOUT HORSES
2. Chemist's tale
3. Reporting to Parents -- Religious humor
4. Doggie style (adult, gross)
5. Mormon joke
6. Pipelines To Nowhere
7. Girl's letter to God <cute>
8. A nun gets some <off. to Catholics>
9. L.A. Math test <Offensive to gang members>
10. Whites in Africa <offensive to Whites)
11. Blondes <Punny>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sun, 30 Apr 1995 08:44:17 LCL
From: Ben Shaul <UO516@IBMVM.HAI.IEC.CO.IL>
Subject: ABOUT HORSES
A HORSE AND HIS WAGONER GOT INTO A BAR .
THE HORSE SAYS TO THE BARTENDER "WHISKY FOR ME AND WATER
FOR HIM". THE BARTENDER WONDER "WATER FOR YOUR WAGONER ?"
"YES" SAYS THE HORSE "HE'S DRIVING"
---------------------------------------------------------
A HORSE GOT INTO A BAR AND ASK FOR A GLASS OF LEMONADE ,
"YOU WANT IT WITH STRAW" ASK THE BARTENDER.
"YES" SAYS THE HORSE "WITH A LOT OF TREW"
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 30 Apr 1995 01:49:00 +0400
From: Jeff Guinzburg <jeff@ISI.NOVIX.NS.CA>
Subject: Chemist's tale
Okay, you guys, you have to work a little for this one. Drag out your old
high school chemistry books!
Chemist's tale
A chemistry student I know killed his chem teacher after seeing his report
card. Stuck with the dead teacher, the student decided to Ba in his flower
garden. But the police suspected the boy, so one Cu was dispatched to his
house. Of course, before leaving the police station, the Cu saluted his
lieutenant. The boy's house was just half finished, and they hadn't put
the F. The Cu searches the house in vain, but all traces of blood Ar.
The policeman wandered out into the backyard. "Why," he commented, "the
views out here are certainly As." The boy's dog, Rin Sn Sn, wandered out
into the trail of blood that Pb to the flower bed. Beads of sweat formed
on the poor boy's forehead, for he knew that Helium must act--it was Zn or
swim. If that body was found his life wouldn't be worth a plug Ni. For
the moment his thoughts wandered, as he thought about how a murderer lowers
the value of a house--what would the house S after his conviction? He
remembered his parents talking about him shortly before the murder: "That
boy's grown up too P; he's just getting out of hand. Some day he is going
to kill somebody." The lawmen were now digging in the dirt of the garden.
The boy was frantic. Suddenly, from out of nowhere rang a shot, and a
mighty "hydrogen-iodine-holium-Ag." It was the fearless masked man of
the plains--but instead of riding a horse, he drove a '59 Hg. The boy had
been saved indium nick of time, and before the young murderer had time to
thank him, the masked rider was gone with a roar of glass-packed mufflers,
leaving the boy in a cloud of blue-white exhaust, with his Pt hair covered
with dust. Oxygen, was that kid happy--he had beaten the rap and the Cu's
were left without a solution to the mysterious murder of the teacher. In
his exuberance the boy drove over to the county fair to celebrate. But
crime does not pay--for in his dizzy exhilaration, the murderer fell to his
death from the top of the Fe wheel.
by Jack Kolb
Forwarded by FunnieLdy (FunnieLdy@aol.com) on 4/29/95 at 12:23 PM as "Funny
of the day :) 5/1"
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 30 Apr 1995 08:55:33 -0400
From: John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Reporting to Parents -- Religious humor
Interm Report
Student: J. CHRIST Form: III Term: 1
SUBJECT GRADE TEACHERS COMMENT
Religion D To the question "Who made the world?"
persisted in answering 'My dad'. Claims bible
originated from the same source.
English D+ Tends to speak and write in archaic forms and
uses outmoded figures of speech.
History A Excellent pupil of ancient and Religious
History.
Geography C- Assignment on 'Hot, dry lands' was excellent,
but shows little interest in the rest. In
geology, keeps talking about the Rock of Ages
instead of the ages of Rock.
Social B+ Shows keen interest in social issues.
Studies
Mathematics E Lacks basics. Keeps muttering about
'Three in one' and 'I and the father are one'.
General D Lacks disipline - eg, when asked to repeat
Science the experiment for making hydrogen, claims
he knew a better way.
Graphic D Prefers to draw with a stick in the sand
Communication to pencil and paper.
Consumer C+ Interesting ideas about alternative life
Education style: Something about living like sparrows
and lilies of the fields...too impractical.
Art Craft B Obviously has imagination and creativity,
a good potter - likes working with dirt
and water.
Material A Excellent in woodwork section. Obviously
Studies receives help and stimulation at home.
Music/ B+ A keen member of the school choir. On
Drama occasions can be frighteningly dramatic.
Community A Keen and interested in all aspects of
Living community.
Physical D- A trouble maker - eg during the learn-to-swim
Education campaign insisted on trying to walk across
the pool.
Health A Shows a remarkable aptitude for first aid
Classes and knowledge of the body.
CLASS TEACHERS COMMENT: This boy has a very unhealthy tendancy to form
gangs. He has organised twelve of his friends into a gang and is seen
constantly in the company of the children of publicans and sinners. He
needs to be more selective in his choice of friends. Also, he should
learn to keep his hair at a tidy length and not wear sandals with the
school uniform.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 30 Apr 1995 22:00:19 +0800
From: "Lee J. Verallo" <ax@DURIAN.USC.EDU.PH>
Subject: Doggie style (adult, gross)
Nearing his wedding night, the slow-witted & virgin groom
approaches his father for help. "Dad, what am I to do. Soon my wife
and I have to go to bed but I don't know what to do!"
The father replies, "Don't worry son. Do you see what our dogs do?
Just do what they do and you'll be okay."
Early next morning, the new bride wakes up her father-in-law,
crying, "I'm going to divorce your son! He is CRAZY!"
"Why? What happened?" asks the father.
"All night he does nothing but sniff my ass and pee on the
bedpost!!"
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 30 Apr 1995 10:02:03 -0400
From: Larry Scott <scott@BUFFNET.NET>
Subject: Mormon joke
In Utah in the days when Brigham Young was President of the LDS
Church, there came to him a woman who had a complaint about her
husband. In tears she asked... "Brother Brigham...my husband keeps
telling me to "Go to hell!" What should I do? <sob><sob>
Brigham Young sat back in his chair, looked thoughtfully for a minute
or so and then turned back to her and said. "Sister Smith, don't go!"
Originally From: HELEN SILLASEN <helen.sillasen@f132.n103.z1.fidonet.org>
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 30 Apr 1995 10:45:56 EDT
From: KEITH E SULLIVAN <DNWU64A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Pipelines To Nowhere
PIPELINES TO NOWHERE RAISE STINK
Associated Press
YAKIMA -- Subcontractors forgot a small but significant detail when
they were finishing the city's new Public Works Administration Building
last year.
The building's sewer lines were never connected to the main line
that carries the waste to the treatment plant.
For the past year, hundreds of feet of sewer line and several
manholes have been filling up with raw sewage. Last week, there just
wasn't any more room.
"The toilets all exploded," said City Manager Dick Zais.
Public Works Director Jerry Copeland said, "Right away you can tell
something is wrong when stuff starts coming out of the floor drain."
City crews pumped out the lines and discovered the sewer lines were
never hooked up.
The subcontractor, Ken Leingang Excavating, fixed the problem in a
couple of hours.
"Their reaction was the same as ours," said city planner John
Haddix. "They couldn't believe it."
From _The Seattle Times_, Friday, April 28, 1995.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 30 Apr 1995 14:05:54 EDT
From: Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: Girl's letter to God <cute>
Dear God,
Are boys better than girls?
I know you are one, so be
fair.
Laurie
Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET (uga.cc.uga.edu)
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------------------------------
Date: Sun, 30 Apr 1995 14:20:21 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: A nun gets some <off. to Catholics>
A nun rushed into the mother Superior's office and said, "Oh, Mother
Superior, I have just been violated by the new young priest...he has
had his way with me." Mother Superior replied, "Go into the kitchen
and suck on a lemon for one hour." "Will that keep me from getting
pregnant?" asked the nun. "No, but it will wipe that silly grin off
your face." Lyle's Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 30 Apr 1995 15:22:25 -0400
From: "If this makes sense to you,
you have a big problem." <YOUNG_DEA@CCSUA.CTSTATEU.EDU>
Subject: L.A. Math test <Offensive to gang members>
Los Angeles High School Math Exam
1. Johnny has an AK47 with a 40 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots
and shoots 15 times each drive by, how many drive by shootings must he
conduct before he shoots 50 people?
2. Paul has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells 10 grams to Jackson for $820, and
2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of
the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
3. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for a 4x4. If
he has stolen two BMWs and three 4x4s, how many Chevys will he have to steal to
make $800?
4. If the contents of an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and
the average letter is eight square feet, how many letters can a teenager spray
with eight cans of paint?
5. Hector got six girls in his gang pregnant. There are 27 girls in the gang.
What percentage of girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
6. Kathy gets $125 for sneaking an illegal alien across the border from
Mexico. She sneaked three illegals over the border every night for six days but
then one of them ripped her off for $500. How much money does she have left?
7. Byron can trade $150 worth of food stamps for two tickets to a Lakers
regular season game. If a play-off game costs 20 percent more, how many
play-off tickets can he get for $500 in food stamps?
Answers to City of Los Angeles
High School Math Proficiency Exam
1. Johnny has an AK47 with a 40 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots
and shoots 15 times each drive by, how many drive by shootings must he
conduct before he shoots 50 people?
Johnny hits 15*(4/10) people per drive by, which means that he
will have to participate in 9 drive bys to shoot 50 people.
However, he will have completed two drive-by shootings and be
just starting the third when he has to reload. Since he only
stole a single clip, he'll only have shot 16 people when the
homeboys with the UZIs' make Swiss cheese out of him.
2. Pony has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for
$320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value
of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
At 454 grams per pound, 2oz of the rock = 56.75 grams. An "8
ball" is 8 grams, so pony has sold 10 grams total and has 46.75
grams left. If he keeps selling 8-balls, he can sell 5 more (for
a total of 5*$320=$1,600) and have 6.75 grams for his own nose.
If he sells 2 gram packs, he can sell (46/2-23) packs at $85
apiece = (23*$85)=$1,955. However, he could divide it into small
parts, bake it up into crack and sell the rocks for an even
larger profit. This problem is really more suited for the Gang
Multi-Variable Economics Test.
3. Ron is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $65 for each trick,
how many tricks will each have to turn so Ron can pay for his $800
per day crack habit.
800/$64=12 tricks plus a dance. Also, Ron should consider making
a deal with Pony from Question #2.
4. Susan wants to cut her 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit.
How many ounces of cut will she need?
If she sells the cut heroin at the same price per unit volume,
she will need 20% more volume. 20% of 1/2 pound (=8oz) is 1.6oz.
So, Susan will need 1.6oz of cut to add to the 8 oz of heroin to
get 20% more volume. She will want a cut which looks similar to
raw heroin and has approximately the same melting point. Plain
sugar or laundry detergent are suggested. Laundry detergent has
the added benefit of removing the possibility of customer
complaints, but will sharply limit repeat business.
5. Blade gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for
a 4x4. If he has already stolen 2BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's
will he have to steal to make $800?
Blade has made 2*$200 + 3*$100=$700 dollars from his theft so
far. He needs $100 more, so he needs to steal $100/$50=2 more
Chevy's. However, he will probably want to steal 4 Chevy's so he
can take the extra two and make a really def low-rider.
6. Little Willy is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $25,000
for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $250 per month, how
much money will be left when he gets out of prison and how many
years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?
6 years*12 months/year*$250/month=$18,000. Little Willy will
have $25,000 - $18,000 = $7,000 left when he gets out of prison.
If Little Willy kills her in the USA, he should expect to get 6
years. However, if he takes her down to Mexico and buries her
scrawny, track-marked butt in the desert, he can get off scott
free.
7. If the average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet, and
the average letter is 4 square feet, how many letters can a tagger
spray with 3 cans of paint?
3 cans of paint will cover 3*22=66 square feet. 66/4=16 letters
with a little paint left over to spray in the eyes of the cop
who's comin' after you. Or the tagger could do 15 letters and a
bitchin' skull.
8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the
gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
6/27=22% of the girls. However, 2 of them are lying because
they've been sleeping with Pedro, Hector's lieutenant. So, in
actuality, Hector only knocked up 4/27 or 14.8%.
9. Rosie's sole source of income is shoplifting. If she gets 10 cents on
the dollar from her fence, how much merchandise must she shoplift each
week to make $250.
Solve X/10=250 for X, X=$2,500.
10. Mike carjacked a Chevy Camaro for his date Saturday night with his
young 14 year old girlfriend. He was arrested that night while making his
girlfriend in the backseat. How much prison time is he looking for for the
carjacking and for statutory rape, even though the girl looked legal?
Assume no prior convictions in arriving at your answer.
Mike is only 12 so he will serve no time and will be making
his girlfriend in the lot in someone else's car next Saturday.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 30 Apr 1995 18:46:34 -0400
From: Lee Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Whites in Africa <offensive to Whites)
Today's joke about the missionary and the lion reminded me of a favorite
cartoon from my New Yorker cartoon album (l950-1955).
Two Africans in traditional costume, with hunting spears in hand, are
standing beside a path in the brush as a white missionary (in clerical
collar and all) passes. One African answers the other:
"I dunno; they all look alike to me!"
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 30 Apr 1995 22:23:23 -0400
From: Gene Child <GeneChild@AOL.COM>
Subject: Blondes <Punny>
Blondes
A group of very attractive young female city employees discovered they could
nicely supplement their income by moonlighting as call girls. One of the
girls discovered she was more successful as a blonde after having her hair
bleached. She convinced the others that the old saying, "Blondes have more
fun," is true.
The ladies became so popular that they were able to charge exorbitant rates.
They even charged their taxi fares to the Johns they served.
When hard times hit and the market got soft, they needed a bigger come-on.
Some of them understood the economic law of supply and demand, so decided to
lower their rates. They decided not to include taxi fares in the fees they
charged their customers.
They have become known as:
The taxi-free municipal blondes.
From the book "Ahaggy Dogs Have Punny Tales"
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 29 Apr 1995 to 30 Apr 1995
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