Topics of the day:
1. limbless
2. In The News - Political, off to lawyers, Grammys
3. Medical Malpractice
4. Benefits of turning 40
5. Hard-luck Inventor
6. quotes du jour
7. Dating Translation Guide <adult themes, R-rated language>
8. <HUMOR> Heavy sex content+ one referring to Jehovah Witnesses + Hells
angels
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sat, 4 Mar 1995 00:31:01 -0500
From: Gwen Eckman <fool@CHOPIN.UDEL.EDU>
Subject: limbless
what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs driving a car?
Rex.
what about the same guy under the car?
Jack
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 4 Mar 1995 04:21:04 GMT
From: Ed Lambert <ed.lambert@LIFESCAN.COM>
Subject: In The News - Political, off to lawyers, Grammys
In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times
California Governor Pete Wilson said California should be color blind.
Ignoring colors shouldn't be a problem. We already can't see the poor,
the disabled, the homeless...
OJ Simpson prosecutor Marcia Clark should be careful taking the "moral
high ground". Lawyers aren't used to the rarified atmosphere and often
have trouble breathing.
Bill Pavelic, the investigator who interviewed Rosa Lopez, wasn't in
court Tuesday. He was at a luncheon being honored as Coach Of The Year.
Judge Lance Ito ordered Defense attorney Johnnie Cochran to pay for Rosa
Lopez's accomodations, but the new Rolls Royce was solely Johnnie's
idea.
Among the least known Grammy categories:
Best use of the word "thang" in a rap recording
Best accidental body noise in a live recording
Best country song not about death, divorce or unemployment
Best attempt at rap by a white guy
Best pop male hairpiece
China has agreed to crack down on the piracy of US "intellectual
property". Who would have ever thought that "Porky's III" would someday
fall into THAT category? The first counterfeiter arrested under terms of
the new pact pleaded temporary insanity. He had copied "The Jerky Boys".
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 4 Mar 1995 10:50:00 EST
From: Berton Corson <0005280397@MCIMAIL.COM>
Subject: Medical Malpractice
True story:
Did you hear about the person who went to a Government hospital to
have an operation on his left foot to repair damage to it?
After he wakes up from anesthesia, he finds his right foot all
wrapped up in a cast. He asks the nurse what happened, and she
replied that the doctor accidentally looked at your x-ray backwards,
and thus operated on the wrong foot.
You can bet he was hoppin mad about that!
Berton M Corson
Northridge, California USA
bcorson@huey.csun.edu
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 4 Mar 1995 12:30:04 -0500
From: Jennifer Schmidt <JenSch@AOL.COM>
Subject: Benefits of turning 40
Benefits of turning 40
1. Color-coordinating walker
2. Won't have to pretend to fit in with the thirty-something crowd
3. Nursing homes start to look appealing
4. You're almost a grown-up
5. Future: Afgans and All My Children
6. Declare young children must respect their elders (in form of cash gifts
on your birthday)
7. Only twelve more years until your college loans are paid off
8. Can finally relate to Paul Newman movies
9. You're half way to being a golfer
10. Start to wonder how much longer you'll have to work in that hell-hole
before they recognize you for the genius you are and offer you early
retirement
:) Jennifer Schmidt
JenSch@aol.com
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 4 Mar 1995 12:50:32 EST
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Hard-luck Inventor
My friend, Harvey, is what you'd call a hard-luck inventor. Here is a
partial listing of his inventions:
6-Up (a soft drink).
Preparation G (rectal ointment).
5 shooter (five shot revolver).
Model S Ford (similar to the Model T Ford).
Nice Krispies (a breakfast cereal that went snip, crickle, pip when
milk was poured over it).
The Wolksvagen (a small car known as the "WV").
Dogsup (a condiment for hamburgers and hot-dogs).
Goputer (sophisticated electronic device).
Whitejack (card game for gamblers).
Anklewatch (timepiece).
Star Bangled Spanner (a song intended to be our National Anthem).
Lyle's Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 4 Mar 1995 13:27:17 -0600
From: Spurlock <spurlock@BGA.COM>
Subject: quotes du jour
From Cactus Pryor's column in today's (March 4) Austin American-Statesman:
Overheard on Austin television: "Well, in tonight's local news
we have a story just handed me that says an Austin Police
prostitution sting operation has netted some high-profile citizens
including...uh...COUGH COUGH...er...including a couple of TV...
...er...anchor...TV anchor...Uh, moving on to the weather news..."
---------------------------------
From today's Frisco 250 NASCAR race on TNN:
"...that car's getting a bit loose. He's flirting with the wall
a lot. He flirts with it enough, he's gonna get a date..."
(No, I don't know who won. As I write this, the caution flag just came out
at lap 122)
---------------------------------
--shrEd--
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 4 Mar 1995 14:45:35 -0800
From: Kim-An Lieberman <miette@U.WASHINGTON.EDU>
Subject: Dating Translation Guide <adult themes, R-rated language>
The Heuristic Squelch Dating Guide (a Berkeley publication)
_What they say_ _What they mean_
"Did you come?" "Because I didn't."
"I have something to tell you." "Get tested."
"I'm a Romantic." "I'm poor."
"I'll give you a call." "I'd rather have my nipples eaten off
by wild dogs than see you again."
"I never meant to hurt you." "I thought you weren't a virgin."
"Trust me." "I'm cheating on you."
"I love you." "You're a good lay."
"I think we should just be friends." "You're ugly."
"Haven't I seen you before?" "Nice ass."
"I want to make love to you." "Let's fuck."
"Was it good for you?" "I'm insecure about my manhood."
"We need to talk." "I'm pregnant."
"I had a wonderful time last night." "Who the hell are you?"
"I've been thinking a lot." "You're not as attractive as when I
was drunk."
"I've learned a lot from you." "Next!"
"I want a commitment." "I'm sick of masturbation."
"I think we should see other people." "I have been seeing other people."
"Let's get married." "Now can we fuck?"
"We don't have to do anything until "Put out or get out."
you are ready."
"I feel it's time to express our love "Give me head."
for each other."
"I still think about you." "I miss the sex."
"Is there something wrong?" "Is it supposed to be this soft?"
"You're so mature." "I hope you're eighteen."
"It's never been like this before." "It's my first time."
"Yes...Yes...*scream!*" "Aren't you done yet?"
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 5 Mar 1995 11:55:00 GMT+0800
From: "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)" <MROBERT@OLIV1.OLI.HK>
Subject: <HUMOR> Heavy sex content+ one referring to Jehovah Witnesses + Hells
angels
Some heavy sex content here. Followed by one offensive to
Jehovah Witnesses and Hells Angles.
Louis Bleriot was a famous French aviator who was the first
man to fly across the English Channel early this century. He
was also famous for his ways with women.
One evening he took a young lady back to his rooms. After a
period of passionate looks between the two Louis takes her in
his arms and moves his face close to hers with the passion
practically visibly steaming between them. He looks longingly
at her full, red lips. Suddenly he takes a bottle of red wine
and pours a small amount around her lips.
"But monsieur" she cries, "what are you doing?'
"Madamoiselle, I am Louis Bleriot, the famous French aviator.
When I taste the full red lips of a woman I like to taste the
rich French red wine." And with that he kissed her.
Slowly he then began to unbutton her blouse and her breath
became heavy with expectation. Gazing down on her tender white
breasts he took a bottle of white wine and poured some over
her breasts.
"Monsieur! What are you doing?"
"Madamoiselle, I am Louis Bleriot, the famous French aviator.
When I taste the white, smooth bosom of a woman I like to
taste the rich French white wine." And with that he licked her
wet breasts.
He then took off her dress and pantaloons. Looking down on her
pubic area he licked his lips, picked up a brandy bottle and
poured a generous amount over the top of her legs and the
pubic area.
"Ooooh, Monsieur Bleriot" said the girl panting with
expectation.
Suddenly he struck a match and lit the brandy.
Panicing the girl called out, "But why, monsieur?"
"Madamoiselle, I am Louis Bleriot, the famous French aviator
and when I go down, I go down in flames!"
Q. What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a
Hells Angel?
A. Someone who knocks on your door and tells YOU to fuck off.
Mike R
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 3 Mar 1995 to 4 Mar 1995
**********************************************