Topics of the day:
1. Dyslexic drug addicts (off. to dyslexics)
2. Orbs of Oppenheimre
3. marriage
4. Unabridged Medical Dictionary (may be offensive to govt people, and
contains some explicit human body part names)
5. Life 7.T
6. Punny joke. <off. to Native Africans?>
7. pet humor <non-offensive>
8. Poor planning <May be offensive to the extremely stupid>
9. Humor: Chicken and Egg <suggestive>
10. <ADULT THEME>
11. Scottish Kilt Joke - not too off.
12. The Rules (off. to women)
13. Food for thought <adult themes>
14. Racist...Punny
15. <offensive to Army personnel>
16. there were two ships...
17. Outlawed Fertilizers? (dark, sad sarchasm)
18. The Canonical List of Taglines
19. Chicken and egg: who really came first <suggestive>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 4 May 1995 09:14:01 +0100
From: Glenda Young <Glenda.Young@DURHAM.AC.UK>
Subject: Dyslexic drug addicts (off. to dyslexics)
Heard about the dyslexic drug addict? He tried to inject a heron,
turns out he was a smock addict.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 4 May 1995 06:53:51 -0400
From: Larry Scott <scott@BUFFNET.NET>
Subject: Orbs of Oppenheimre
I don't understand all of this, so don't ask me to explain any of it.
And some of what I do understand I don't agree with. But it does have
its moments anyway...
The Orbs of Oppenheimre
=======================
by Geoffrey "ZAPHOD" Heller <96994999@WSUVM1>
Ronalled had been climbing for days now, yet the peak of Mt. Saltan was
not even in sight. His food was getting low, he was thoroughly tired,
and the insects had not ceased to bite at his every limb since he left
Amacrion. He fondled the small orb in his purse. Little did anyone know
he carried such a powerful weapon, he thought. Climbing still, he con-
sidered his meeting with Gorbacon of Sobied. He couldn't stand Gorbacon,
but his desire for a peaceful relationship with the Sobieds was more
pressing than his dislikes. This was finally a plan for a greater peace.
The destruction of the Orbs of Oppenheimre. He paused momentarily at the
thought of the great Orb and profoundly said, "Gee".
Years ago, when war was still raging between the Amacrions and the
Sobieds, the Lord Ronalled had requested the creation of a superior
weapon. The great Mage, Oppenheimre, replied with the creation of two
orbs. They were so named the Orbs of Oppenheimre. When thrown, the Orbs
could destroy the land for miles around. They also had be used simulta-
neously. Because if one were used, the other would explode too. (For
the same reason that people always seem to find a mutant corn flake in
their cereal on thursdays.) Strangely, no one ever considered the fact
that nobody could throw over a mile. If was foretold by Seers that upon
the coming of the great harmonic divergence they would both spontaneously
explode. (For the same reason that you can't ever find those mutant corn
flakes after you put the milk in.) The harmonic divergence now crept
closer with every waking moment.
Ronalled considered the history of the Orbs while he walked. He
gnashed his teeth knowing that Gorbacon only had the other Orb because he
had stolen it. Overlooking the wrongdoings of Gorbacon, Ronalled focused
on his goal: To get plastered at the beer garden on Mt. Saltan. At the
summit of Mt. Saltan the two Lords were to meet and cast the Orbs into
the endless pit if INFandor. Then the party would really begin.
As Ronalled walked on, he noticed something strange. An odd whistling
accompanied by a noise that sounded like, "uber dere". Faintly he heard
the bushes rustle behind him. He whirled around only to be smashed on
the back of the head from behind. The Orb was thrown from his purse.
Ronalled lay now unconscious. His face was warped into a bizarre and
unnatural fashion. He had a half frown with terrible hound dog eyes.
For one fleeting moment he looked like a grotesque cross between Ollie
North and Benji.
Immediately out of the forest came Kadalferi and his band of thieves.
Well, not thieves. Worse. Golfers. One of Kadalferi's subordinates
came to him with the rather dull looking orb. Kadalferi briefly looked
at it and said, "Ah ha! My golf Ball! I knew it was uber dere some-
where! ... Fore!" With that he proceeded to make the greatest swing of
his golfing career...
Gorbacon looked up and saw the flash. He wanted to say something pro-
found about Ronalled upon his death. He and Ronalled had been to a lot
of really wild parties together. Like the time they were both drunk on
the floor singing Toccata & Fugue in D minor to the beat of "Velcro Fly."
But all he managed to work out was, "Golly" by the time he was blown to
McNuggets.
With the leaders gone the two kingdoms began a war of hideous accusa-
tions. "You killed our lord!", "Did not!", "Did too!" and so forth.
Soon these appalling accusations led into a terrible war which raged for
decades. It all finally ended when the great philosopher ZAPHOD discov-
ered the one phrase which truly was analogous to life: "I want to love
life, but life only wants meaningless sex."
The moral of the story is that there are no morals. If truth is
stranger than fiction then a half-truth perforated with fiction and
sprinkled with periodic madness is the oddest thing around.
Originally From: DAVE COBLE
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 4 May 1995 09:43:32 EDT
From: Alex Lubman <ALEX@WVUOHSR.HSC.WVU.EDU>
Subject: marriage
An elderly fellow is visiting his doctor and friend of many years
for a physical. "Tell me I'm healthy doc...tomorrow I'm marrying
Sara Birnbaum, the woman of my dreams!"
The doctor has recently examined Ms Birnbaum and knows she
is gravely ill. Despite doctor/patient confidentiality he decides to
inform his old friend of his fiancee's condition.
"Sam," he says, "I just gave Sara a thorough exam and I have to
tell you she has acute angina."
"You're telling me!" says Sam with a wink. "And a nice pair of
knockers too!"
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 4 May 1995 11:46:38 EDT
From: "1 Crazy Guy..." <vvergara@PICA.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Unabridged Medical Dictionary (may be offensive to govt people,
and contains some explicit human body part names)
The FEDERAL GOVERNMENT'S NEW, UNABRIDGED MEDICAL DICTIONARY
Barium - What you do when the patient dies
Urine - The opposite of "you're out"
Cauterize - Made eye contact
D&C - Where Washington is
Ova - Finished; done with
Sperm - To reject; look away from
Dilate - To live a long time
Enema - Opposite of a friend
Node - Was aware of
White count - The number of caucasians
Hernia - Pertaining to a female's knee
Fibrillate - To tell a small lie
Bunion - Paul's surname
Genital - Non-Jew
Sacrum - Holy
Paradox - Two doctors
Constipation - Endangered feces
Penis - Someone who plays the piano
Humerus - To tell us what we wnat to hear
Intestine - Currently taking an exam
Coronary - Domesticated Yellow Bird
Outpatient - A person who has fainted
Pap smear - To slander your father
Rectum - Dang near killed him
Seizure - Roman Emperor
Cat Scan - When the Secret Service looks for Socks
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 4 May 1995 08:53:37 -0700
From: Henry Cate <cate3@NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Life 7.T
Date: 5 Mar 92 20:17:23 PST (Thursday)
----------------------------------------------------
From: prasad@cc.utah.edu (PRASAD B. GHARPURE)
You know you live in a small town when :
Even a 4 year old can tear the phone book.
From rec.humor.funny:
From: nweaver@ocf.berkeley.edu (Nicholas Weaver)
Wanted poster in post office in physics land:
Wanted
$10,000 reward.
Scrodinger's Cat.
Dead or Alive
Subject: Something from Thomas Lapp
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile hoping it will eat him last.
-- Winston Churchill
A man who was late paying bills was sent a note saying, "Your account
is long overdue -- It has been on our books over a year. Must remind
you, we have now carried you longer than your mother did."
----------------------------------------------------
The following are various selections from SCHWARTZ_VICTOR@tandem
Consumer Reports magazine, in the October issue, has a report on "Mail-Order"
Companies (Sears, J.C. Penney, L.L. Bean, Eddie Bauer, C.O.M.B., Land's End,
Swiss Colony, Carol Wright, Sharper Image, ...), companies that do a large
amount of retail sales "by mail." In the article they remark:
"When you look at how the orders were placed, it's obvious that "mail order"
is an archaic term. Relatively few people order by mail (most order by
phone, via toll-free 800 numbers), and few products are delivered by the U.S.
Postal Service (90 percent of catalog orders are delivered by United Parcel
Service)."
In a touching holiday gesture (people always talk about how cruel
corporate America can be), Pan Am said that even though they officially
went out of business last week -- they will continue to lose luggage
through January 1st.....
(From a recent NewsWeek magazine:)
"Please provide your date of death."
A letter from the Internal Revenue Service, addressed to a dead man
whose widow filed a return for him in 1991.
(Contributed to the Tandem Humor DL by Jerry Dunham:)
Fellow goes to a furniture store to apply for work. When he arrives he
sees several others in line ahead of him. So instead of just sitting around
waiting his turn, he starts selling furniture. By the time his interview
turn came around, he'd sold over $2600 of furniture. He was hired on the
spot.
Nancy Davis gleaned this item last month in the ComputerGram newsletter
which is distributed within Tandem, and shared it with the Tandem
Humor DL. (Thanx, Nancy!)
Technology is finally proving itself....
"With the cost of the equipment tumbling, use of videoconferencing
is set to soar, and Metropolitan Life Insurance Co. has discovered
another benefit in addition to the saving of time and travel costs:
because of the built-in delay on the sound, the company told the
New York Times, it's difficult for people to interrupt, so they
actually have to listen to what the other is saying."
--
Henry Cate III <cate3@netcom.com>
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 4 May 1995 10:26:51 -0600
From: "M. Zaiem Beg" <zbeg@ALPHA.PR1.K12.CO.US>
Subject: Punny joke. <off. to Native Africans?>
There was a tribe in Africa which was very fierce and warring...they
would battle all the tribes in the area, and they always won. As a
victory trophy, they would take the throne of the chief of the defeated
tribe and carry it home, chanting victory chants and singing the whole
way. When they got home, they would put the throne in the attic of the
grass hut. This went on for quite some time, and soon the throne
collection grew, adding to the prestige of the tribe.
One day, they battled a tribe of farily large people, some might
call them giants. They won, and they struggled to get the throne
home...but the chanting and joyesness prevailed as usual. When they got
home, they had the ritual of putting the throne in the attic of the grass
hut, but the weight was too much. The ceiling collapsed, killing everyone
on the tribe.
The moral: People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 4 May 1995 11:37:54 EST
From: Vickie Arwginski <PUBREL@VUNET.VINU.EDU>
Subject: pet humor <non-offensive>
All I Need to Know About Life I Learned from My Cat (author unknown)
o When in doubt, cop an attitude.
o Climb your way to the top; that's why the drapes are there.
o Life is hard, then you nap.
o Always give generously--a small bird or rodent left on the bed tells
them, "I care."
o When you go out into the world, remember: being placed on a pedestal
is a right, not a privilege.
And from Ann Landers
Know yourself. Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive
evidence that you are wonderful.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 4 May 1995 12:18:22 -0400
From: "If this makes sense to you,
you have a big problem." <YOUNG_DEA@CCSUA.CTSTATEU.EDU>
Subject: Poor planning <May be offensive to the extremely stupid>
This came to me from Professor Pelletier at CCSU.
Enjoy.
-Dennis the Demented
To: The Bureau of "Waddamagonnadonow?:"
I'm writing in response to your request for additional information for Block
Number 3 of the Accident Reporting Form. I put "poor planning" as the cause
of my accident. You said in your letter I should explain more fully, and I
trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident I was working
alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my
work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower,
brought up about 300 lbs of tools and hardware. Rather than carry the now
unneeded tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in
a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the gin
pole at the top of the tower.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded
the tools and materials into the barrel; I went back to the ground and untied
the rope holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 300 lbs of tools.
You will note in Block Number 11 of the Accident Reporting Form, I weigh only
155 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I
proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the
vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel comming down; this explains my
fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my
rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two
knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to
hold on to the rope in spite of the pain. At approximately the same time,
however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the
barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel weighed approximately
20 lbs. I refer you again to Block Number 11. As you might imagine, I began
a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot
level, I met the barrel coming up; this accounts for the two fractured ankles
and the lacerations on my legs and lower body.
The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I
fell on to the pile of tools, and fortunately only three vertebrae were
cracked. I'm sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in
pain, unable to stand, and watching the barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost
my presence of mind. I let go of the rope.
Sincerely and shaken,
Dunlego Megone
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 4 May 1995 13:38:00 -0400
From: Matthew Grob <Matthew.Grob@MCHIS.MED.NYU.EDU>
Subject: Humor: Chicken and Egg <suggestive>
Seen on a t-shirt:
Picture: A chicken and an egg, lying in bed side-by-side, each smoking
a cigarette.
Caption: "Who came first?"
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 4 May 1995 14:26:00 -0400
From: Jack Tanner <Fatjac@AOL.COM>
Subject: <ADULT THEME>
Three Frenchmen were arguing about the definition of savoirfaire.
The first said " Savoirfaire is when a man comes home from work early and
fins his wife in bed with another man and says 'Oh, pardone', and leaves,
that is savoirfaire."
The second says " No Pierre, savoirfaire is when a man comes home from work
early and finds his wife in bed with another man and says ' Oh, pardone,
please continue', that is savoirfaire."
The third says " Armond, I don't think you've quite got the connotation yet.
When a man comes home from work and finds his wife in bed with another man
and says 'Oh pardone, please continue' and he CAN continue, THAT IS
SAVOIRFAIRE!.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 4 May 1995 13:18:42 PDT
From: Bill Dotson <wccf@CERF.NET>
Subject: Scottish Kilt Joke - not too off.
A Scotsman was walking home drunk one night. Eventually, he passed out on
the sidewalk, and in the process his kilt flew up, exposing his privates.
Two nuns walked up to the Scotsman and one remarked, "Oh, no, what will we
do?" The other nun pondered the situation and finally pulled a blue ribbon
out of her hair and tied it on the man's penis. "Well," she said, "At least
it looks proper, now."
The next morning the Scotsman woke up and looked around. When he spotted the
ribbon on his penis, he shook his head and said, "Well, I don't know where
you've been or what you've done, but at least you won first prize!"
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 4 May 1995 14:40:20 -0400
From: Phil Glowatz <AssessNet@AOL.COM>
Subject: The Rules (off. to women)
THE RULES
1. The Female always makes THE RULES.
2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
3. No Male can possible know all THE RULES.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately
change some of THE RULES.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant
misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the
misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written consent
of The Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to
be angry or upset.
12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she
wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she sa
id.
15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the
heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must
cater to her every whim.
17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.
18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule
#5.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 4 May 1995 15:10:17 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Food for thought <adult themes>
A teacher stands in front of her fifth grade class with her hand behind
her back. She says she has something round, hard, and red in her hand.
She asks the class to guess what it is. One little girl guesses it's a
ball. The teacher says, "No, it's an apple, but I like the way you
think." A little while later, the teacher again stands with her hand
behind her back and indicates she has something long, hard and stiff in
her hand. When a little boy guesses it's a stick she says, "No, it's a
ruler, but I like the way you think." Just then the class bad-boy
jumps up with an evil grin on his face. He thrusts his hand deep into
his pocket and says, "Teacher, I've got my hand on something that is
round, hard and has a head on it!" The teacher blushes with
embarrassment and starts to protest about obscene remarks being made in
her class. The boy interrupts her and says, "No, no teacher...it's
only a quarter, but I sure do like the way you think!" Lyle's Joke
Boutique.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 4 May 1995 15:23:13 EST
From: Swifty <SWIFTY@MEDISENSE.COM>
Subject: Racist...Punny
Salutations All and Sundry:
Q Why are Black people, on the average, 4" taller than White people?
A Because their Negro's (Knee Grows.......Ouch!)
Swifty
John K Swift
SWIFTY@medisense.com
**********************************************************************
"Few things are more dangerous than a hobbit with low blood
sugar."
Unknown
**********************************************************************
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 4 May 1995 14:44:10 -0700
From: Pete Akre <akrep@SEQ.OIT.OSSHE.EDU>
Subject: <offensive to Army personnel>
Q. Why do they use powdered soap in the Army?
A. It takes longer to pick-up.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 4 May 1995 21:38:01 -0400
From: "Russell Klein (LIVE_FREE_OR_DIE)" <KLEI0709@FREDONIA.BITNET>
Subject: there were two ships...
There were two ships...one had red paint, one had blue paint.
they collided.
At last report, the survivors were marooned!
Russ
"Cool's eternal but it's always dated" (Fugazi)
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 5 May 1995 09:38:36 JST
From: Maurizio MORABITO <b0017@NIBH.GO.JP>
Subject: Outlawed Fertilizers? (dark, sad sarchasm)
Cliff Johnson forwarded:
> After all, fertilizer doesn't kill people, people kill people.
Perhaps we should have to outlaw people
ciao
maurizio
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 4 May 1995 21:07:53 -0400
From: Jascha Franklin-Hodge <joeshmoe@WORLD.STD.COM>
Subject: The Canonical List of Taglines
Below is a very small sampling of The Canonical List of Taglines.
Follow the instructions to receive the full list.
"The Canonical List of Taglines"
Maintained by Jascha Franklin-Hodge
joeshmoe@world.std.com
Last Update: 1995/05/04 08:54pm EST
File Size : 150319 Bytes
To receive an updated copy of this list:
via EMAIL (one part):
Send email to joeshmoe@world.std.com
put the text "send taglines.txt" in the SUBJECT HEADER
an automatic mailer will respond.
via EMAIL (multi part):
Send email to joeshmoe@world.std.com
put the text "send taglines.multi.txt" in the SUBJECT HEADER
an automatic mailer will respond.
users of services that limit the size of your incoming mail messages
(ie. Compu$erve) should request this list in multiple parts.
via FTP:
This list is available from ftp.std.com, in the directory
/pub/joeshmoe/humor/taglines.txt
via WWW:
Connect to LaughWEB (http://www.misty.com/laughweb/)
Choose "Enter LaughWEB" from the introductory screen.
Choose "Canonical Lists" from the main screen
Choose "Taglines"
To make an addition to the list:
Send email to joeshmoe@world.std.com
put the text "add taglines.txt" in the SUBJECT HEADER
put the tagline(s) you wish to add in the message body.
please DO NOT put any additional information in the message
you will be sent a confirmation message by the automailer
NOTE: If you are a media outlet and would like to run a story about this list,
PLEASE contact me first.
** ** <- Tribbles Snorkelling
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
"90% of all statistics are made up"
"A Tree Grows in Washington" by Al Gore
"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject."
"A little work, a little sleep, a little love and it is all over." - R. Frost
"A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience." -Doug Larson
"All of this genorosity has made me tired!": Cat
"Apple" (c) 6024 b.c., Adam & Eve
"Apple" (c) Copyright 1767, Sir Isaac Newton.
"Bad knee, gotta run" - Pat Buchanan to his draft board
"Beam me aboard, Scotty." "Sure. Will a 2x10 do?"
"Beulah, peel me a grape."
"Bother," said Pooh as Earnhardt won again!
"Bother," said Pooh as the brakes went out!
"Build a watch in 179 easy steps" by C. Forsberg.
"Buy cattle, sell ethics!" Hillary Clinton
"C++" should have been called "D"
"COINCIDENCE" happens.
"Calvin, we will not have an anatomically correct snowman!"
"Careful. We don't want to learn from this." -- Calvin
"Catwoman's pregnant? Holy rubbers Batman!": Robin.
"Charlie was a Chemist, but Charlie is no more. What Charlie thought was H20 was H2SO4."
"Chicago, Windows 4.0, Windows 95"?!?!?!?"
"Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint him"
"Don't you hate it when your boogers freeze?" -- Calvin
"Every time I've built character, I've regretted it."
"Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity."
"Freedom defined is freedom denied." -The Illuminatus
"Have you ever dated somebody because you were too lazy to commit suicide?"
"Here, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty". . . Matt Dillon
"Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's hand grenades I throw..."
"Hmm... How *did* they finally kill Frosty?" -- Hobbes
"Human equality is a contingent fact of history." -Steven Jay Gould
"I believe OS/2...to be the most important OS...of all time" Gates '87
"I didn't do it! You didn't see me! You can't prove it!" Calvin
"I tried to think but nothing happened!" - Curly
"I wanna put my log in your fireplace." -Gene Simmons
"I'm looking for Mr. Dover, first name Ben.."
"I'm looking nice, my shadow's looking nice...What a team!": Cat
"I'm not an actor, but I play one on TV"
"I'm not smart enough to lie" - Ronald Reagan
"If I knew what I was doing...I'd be dangerous..."
"If the shoe fits, buy it." Imelda Marcos
"Instant gratification takes too long." - Carrie Fisher
"Is" is the verb for when you don't want a verb.
"It hurt real bad." -John Bobbit
"It is not the fall that kills you. it's the sudden stop at the end."-D. Adams
"It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs"
"Keyboard? How quaint!" - Scotty
"Luke... Luke... Use the MOUSE, Luke" - Obi Wan Gates
"MEOW"... "WOOF"... It's a two-litter engine!
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 4 May 1995 22:35:06 -0400
From: "CURT BRAMBLETT <ZZBRAMBLETTC@ACAD.WINTHROP.EDU>"
<zzbramblettc@ACAD.WINTHROP.EDU>
Subject: Chicken and egg: who really came first <suggestive>
All this discussion about the chicken and egg reminds me of the
explanation my ninth grade biology teacher gave:
The rooster came first.
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 3 May 1995 to 4 May 1995
**********************************************