Topics of the day:
1. Ogden Nash Poem
2. SENILITY <OFFENSIVE TO OLDSTERS>
3. Boob Tube Barbie - Off to airheads, "perfect" people, bulimics, more
4. Miss Prissy
5. maladies <suggestive>
6. Drunk Bum (adult; off. to bums)
7. guide for writers
8. Marriage (honeymoon) joke
9. prostitute joke <adult>
10. Jewish humor (off. Catholics)
11. The Parachutist <off to relig?>
12. Nine wives <off. to Mormons>
13. Why it takes a license to drive
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Date: Mon, 1 May 1995 01:02:27 -0400
From: Adina Sobo <AdinaS@AOL.COM>
Subject: Ogden Nash Poem
This is dedicated to Anne, who lives in the home below mine, and who always
calls early, saying: "I heard you get up a few minutes ago."
"The People Upstairs"
The people upstairs all practice ballet.
Their living room is a bowling alley.
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours.
They celebrate week ends all the week
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By suppliing their guests with pogo sticks,
And when their orgy at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs wondrous
If instead of above us, they just lived under us.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 1 May 1915 08:15:45 LCL
From: Ben Shaul <UO516@IBMVM.HAI.IEC.CO.IL>
Subject: SENILITY <OFFENSIVE TO OLDSTERS>
AN OLD MAN SAYS TO HIS WIFE "ON YOUR WAY OUT,BRING ME
A BIG ICE CREAM WITH CHOCOLATE ON THE TOP,BUT PLEASE WRITE
IT DOWN BECAUSE YOU'LL FORGET"."DON'T WORRY I'LL REMEMBER"
SAYS THE WIFE "I BEG YOU WRITE IT DOWN BECAUSE I WANT A
COOKIE WITH MY ICE CREAM" SAYS THE WIFE NERVOUSLY "I WONT
FORGET,YOU WANT A BIG ICE CREAM WITH CHOCOLATE ON THE TOP
AND A COOKIE WITH IT".AND GOT OUT.
AFTER TWO HOURS SHE RETURN WITH BREAD,EGGS,MILK AND SAME SAUSAGE.
"I TOLD YOU'LL FORGET" SHOUT THE MAN", "WHAT I FORGOT NOW"
WHISPER THE WIFE . THE MAN SAYS WITH TEARS "YOU FORGOT MY CHEESE".
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 1 May 1995 03:33:16 GMT
From: Ed Lambert <ed.lambert@LIFESCAN.COM>
Subject: Boob Tube Barbie - Off to airheads, "perfect" people, bulimics, more
Boob Tube Barbie - by Greg Spring
From the LA Times Magazine
Reprinted w/o permission
The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of "Baywatch" have
joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie came as no surprise. After all,
both companies have made millions off airheads with flawless skins,
Malibu tans and synthetic breasts.
If Baywatch Barbie sells well, other Barbie/TV tie-ins seem certain to
follow. Some possibilities:
Melrose Place Barbie: Comes complete with her Barbie Dream Apartment,
where Skipper and the rest of the gang live rent-free. Other accessories
include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets and an arrest warrant.
Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman: This helpful doll offers other homesteaders
important tips like what conditioner to use out on the Plains and how to
take care of their nails while shoeing a horse.
America's Most Wanted Barbie: She's on the run after 30 years of crime
against feminism.
Oprah Barbie: Push a button on her back and this Barbie actually speaks!
Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough math class is,
Ballerina Barbie's struggle with bulimia, Kens who wear Barbie's
clothes.
My So-Called Barbie: She faces the same troubling issues as regular
teens who don't have huge wardrobes, perfect bods, pools and ponies.
Roseanne Barbie: The dark side of the American dream is explored with
this doll, whic shows what happened after Barbie graduated from high
school, married too young and ate too much.
Murder, Barbie Wrote: Whenever this elder stateswoman of the Barbie set
(she's 27!) arrives in the playhouse, all the other dolls mysteriously
disappear.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 1 May 1995 10:35:14 EST
From: Shaun Achmad <sachmad@UISM.BU.EDU>
Subject: Miss Prissy
Hi all.
I'm not sure if this request has been made before, but I am in a spot of bother.
I will be the master of ceremonies at my best friend's wedding in two weeks and
am at a loss for 'marriage' or wedding jokes. I would appreciate it if those in
the know could forward me any jokes of this type.
If neccessary they could be forwarded to me and I could batch them and send them
to the list.
Thank you.
Shaun (Sachmad@uismbu,edu)
Now for the obligatory humor.......
The new teacher arrived at school and addressed the class. "Hi kids my name is
Miss Prissy". "I would prefer that you address me by that name whenever you
speak to me". Little Johnny was always in trouble so he decide to get on the
good side of his new teacher and he would start by remembering her name. He
wasn't very good at names so he made up a way to remember her name. He decided
that he couldn't go wrong by remembering her as Miss Pussy, with an R.
Two days after her arrival Miss Prissy asked Johnny a question which he answered
withouth mentioning her name. She reminded him that he should refer to her by
her name and asked him to repeat his answer. Johnny was in REAL trouble now
because he couldn't remember her name. All he new that it was Pussy with an R.
Finally, with a broad smile on his face he replied. "The answer is False, Miss
CRUNT".
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 May 1995 00:04:03 +0800
From: Joanna Vanessa Ty <bunny@MISA.PFI.NET>
Subject: maladies <suggestive>
Q: How did Herpes leave the hospital?
A: In Crotches.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 1 May 1995 12:07:13 -0400
From: Phil Glowatz <AssessNet@AOL.COM>
Subject: Drunk Bum (adult; off. to bums)
A drunken bum approaches a wealthy society lady outside her hotel. "Hey,
baby," he says, "how about a kiss?"
"A kiss?" she replies. "You are a filthy, disgusting, drunk, vile, smelly
pig! I wouldn't kiss you if you were the last man on Earth."
He says, "Then I guess a blowjob is out of the question."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 1 May 1995 13:25:57 -0400
From: "Aditya, The Hindu Skeptic" <a018967t@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: guide for writers
I hope you will enjoy this since it humorous as well as instructive.
***
Do not use computerese, jargon, argot,
newspeak, or British when expressing yourself in the American English Language.
Subject and verb always has to agree.
Do not use a foreign word when there is an adequate English quid pro quo.
It behooves you to avoid archaic expressions. Avoid archaeic spellings too.
Do not use hyperbole; not one in a million can do it effectively.
Avoid cliches like the very plague.
Mixed metaphors are a pain in the ass and should be thrown out the window.
Placing a comma between subject and predicate, is not correct.
Parenthetical words however must be enclosed in commas.
Use your spell checker to avoid mispelling and to catch typograhpical errors.
Don't be redundant.
Don't repeat yourself, or say again what you have said before.
Remember to never split an infinitive.
The passive voice should not be used.
Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
Don't never use no double negatives.
Poofread carefully to see if you have any words out.
Check carefully for grammatical errers.
Hopefully, you will use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
Avoid colloquial stuff.
Eschew obfuscation.
No sentence fragments.
A preposition is never a proper word to end a sentence with.
Never use a big word when a diminutive alternative would suffice.
Don't indulge in sesquipedalian lexicological constructions.
And always be sure to finish what
*************************************************************************
Aditya Mishra | The opinions expressed herein are absolutely *
Phone/FAX 305-746-0442 | not immutable and might have already changed *
Internet: aditya@gate.net| by time you read them due to the new evidence*
Prodigy: TVDS96A | or data that has come to my attention. *
*************************************************************************
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 1 May 1995 11:00:13 -0700
From: "CHRIS R. TORRES" <CTORRES@SCUACC.SCU.EDU>
Subject: Marriage (honeymoon) joke
This is in reponse to Shaun, who was looking for wedding jokes. It's
actually a honeymoon joke, but I figure that's close enough.
A newlywed couple arrives for their honeymoon at a secluded bed and
breakfast inn. Upon their arrival, the gardener and the bellhop notice
the newlyweds and laugh to themselves about what the man and woman will
be doing in the next several days.
However, the next morning at 5:30 in the morning, the gardener and the
bellhop notice the man with his fishing gear going down towards the
lake. They both think it's pretty odd that he's not up with his wife
indulging in pleasures of the flesh, but they disregard rather quickly
and get back to work.
But the next morning, again at 5:30, they gardener and the bellhop
see the man again, walking down towards the lake with his fishing gear.
And once again, they can't understand why he's not up with his wife
in the bed. But they say nothing, and let the man go about his business.
Finally, on the third day that man is headed down to the lake to go
fishing, their curiousity gets the best of them, and they stop him.
"Say buddy," says the gardener, "you just got married, how come you're
not up their making love to your new wife?"
"Oh, I can't," the man replies, "she's got gonorrhea."
The two cringe. Then the bellhop asks, "Well, what about oral sex?"
"Nope," says the man, "she's got pyorrhea."
The bellhop and the gardener shudder. "How about anal sex?" asks the
gardener.
"No," said the man, "she's got diarrhea."
Two gardener and bellhop shake their heads in disgust. The bellhop
finally asks, "Jesus, buddy, why in the hell did you marry her?"
The man holds up his fishing gear.
"'Cause she's got worms, and I just LOVE to go fishin'!"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 1 May 1995 18:58:12 GMT
From: Paul Costello <MA93PC@CCS.EDGE-HILL-COLLEGE.AC.UK>
Subject: prostitute joke <adult>
A prostitute was run down by a car. The driver quickly gets out of
the car to see if she is okay. He finds her lying on her back
screaming.
"Aaargh! I've gone blind, I can't see" she screams.
"No you're not blind", says the man, "You're just in shock."
"I tell you I'm blind!", the prostitute continues.
"Of course you're not," the man reassures her, "- Look, how many
fingers am I holding up?"
"Oh no!", yells the prostitute, " - I'm paralysed aswell!"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 1 May 1995 08:26:07 -1000
From: Cecil RichardMahony <cecilm@KALAMA.DOE.HAWAII.EDU>
Subject: Jewish humor (off. Catholics)
A small Jewish man was riding the subway home and he wasseated next to a
big red-necked Irishman. He was reading a Yiddish newspaper, but
occasionally he would come across an English word he didn't understand.
Needing to know the meaning, he looks around and taps the Irishman on the
shoulder and asks.
"Pardon me fella, but could you tell me the meaning of dis woid?"
The Irishman thinks, "I'm going to have some fun with this Jew," so he
yells out,"dat woid is gonorrhea!"
Everybody on the subway looks at the Jew, who promptly covers his head
with the newspaper. Nevertheless, after a minute he continues reading
the article. After another minute he comes across another English word
he doesn't understand, so he taps the Irishman on the shoulder again.
"Pardon me fella, I hate to disturb you again, but could you tell me the
meaning of dis woid?"
The Irishman thinks, "I'm really going to settle that Jews hash this time."
He yells out as loud as he can, "dat woid is syphilis."
Oy vey! The little Jew puts the paper over his head and rides the subway
to the next stop, when he gets up to leave. Looking down at the Irishman
he yells out so that everyone on the subway can hear: "Let me tell you
something fella. That Pope of yours is a mighty sick man!"
Rick Mahony cecilm@kalama.doe.hawaii.edu :)
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 1 May 1995 15:41:26 -0400
From: Clare Haney <MizzDarla@AOL.COM>
Subject: The Parachutist <off to relig?>
This is a bit by Billy Connolly from the album "Classic Connolly: In Words
and Music" printed w/out permission (edited a bit to change from spoken to
written word)
A Glasgow guy was learning to parachute and he was in the airplane and he
went up to the instructor and said, "Look, eh, I don't want to look stupid or
anythin', you know what I mean, but you got to tell me again what you
do...I've totally forgotten...I'm panickin'!"
He(the instructor) said, "Look, there's nothing at all to it. Basically,
you jump out the door, a static line will open your parachute and you will
float gently to the ground."
"Aye, that's great, but look, supposin' it doesn't open?"
"Well, in the unlikely event of you parachute failing to develop, you have
the reserve parachute in the front with a little red handle. Give it a smart
tug. It will develop...you'll float gently to the ground."
"Yeah, that's great sure, but what if it doesn't? Just suppose it doesn't?"
"Well in the *extremely* unlikely event of the reserve parachute failing to
develop...pray...preferrably to Allah."
"But I'm a Christian."
"It doesn't matter pray to Allah."
So he jumped out....nothing...and he's hurtling through the air and he's
trying to get it to open...nothing....he tries the reserve...the whole thing
comes off. He's scudding through the sky. "What's that Allah bloody thing I
have to do?...Oh yeah...ALLAH! ALLAH! HELP ME!"
A big black hand comes out of the sky and picked him gently and placed him
softly on the ground. He said, "Well, thank Christ for that!" And a big
black foot comes out of the sky and....foomp!
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 1 May 1995 15:51:21 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Nine wives <off. to Mormons>
When the airline Captain announced they were flying over Salt Lake City,
Utah, a woman told the man sitting beside her, "I understand this is
the home of the Mormon religion where husbands believe it's OK to have
more than one wife." That's true," he replied, "as a matter of fact I
happen to be a Mormon myself and have nine wives." "How disgusting,"
she said, "you should be ashamed of yourself, such practices should be
against the law and you ought to be hung." "I am lady," he said, "I
am." Lyle's Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 1 May 1995 20:28:23 -0400
From: Gwen Eckman <fool@CHOPIN.UDEL.EDU>
Subject: Why it takes a license to drive
Why it takes a license to drive
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given
by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read
Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at
the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying,
"Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit-faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer
drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a
flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a dickhead all day long.
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 30 Apr 1995 to 1 May 1995
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