Topics of the day:
1. warning: suggestive
2. CUCUMBER <SEXUAL,CRUEL>
3. Star Trek: The VCR
4. Bad language, offensive to CHER...
5. Chruschtschow and the future <off. to USA & USSR?>
6. The Darwin Award
7. Is it A-OK to EVA in Cyberspace?
8. Big winner <off. to gays>
9. <No subject given> (2)
10. Top Ten List (sexual/suggestive)
11. How to Attend a Meeting (3 of 5)
12. Gone swimmin' <offensive>
13. OFFENSIVE TO GAYS, possibly Calif.
14. Another Polack joke! (Groan) <Slightly racial>
15. Tourist Morons, cont.
16. Riddle <sick humor>
17. Punjabi logic: sun and moon joke
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 31 May 1995 02:48:23 -0500
From: Spurlock <spurlock@BGA.COM>
Subject: warning: suggestive
Re:"Home of the cunning linguists"
Would that be the College of Labial Arts?
--shrEd--
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 31 May 1995 13:05:06 LCL
From: BEN SHAUL <UO516@IBMVM.HAI.IEC.CO.IL>
Subject: CUCUMBER <SEXUAL,CRUEL>
========SYS.LIMIT MAY BE UPPER CASE========
DAY BY DAY A YOUNG GIRL GET INTO A GREENGROCERY AND ASK FOR A BIG
CUCUMBER,PAY FOR IT AND GO OUT.
ONE DAY THE GREENGROCER,CAN'T HELP IT,ASK THE GIRL "EXCUSE ME,WHY
ONLY CUCUMBER TAKE SOME TOMATO,CABBAGE,CARROT"
"WHAT DO YOU THINK?" RESPOND THE GIRL "..THAT I'M DOING A SALAD
BETWEEN MY LEGS?".
______________________________________
SOME GUYS DECIDE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT YOUNG GIRL.THEY SELECT
ONE OF THEM,WITH A BIG PHALLUS,PAINT HIS PENIS IN GREEN AND SEND
HIM TO THE GIRLS BEDROOM TO PUT HIS PENIS INSTEAD OF THE CUCUMBER.
THE GIRL GETS INTO THE BEDROOM,TAKE HER CLOTH OF,TURN OUT THE LIGHT
AND LIE DOWN IN BED. AFTER A MINUTE THE GUY CAME OUT OF THE ROOM
YELLING IN PAIN,HOLDING HIS BLOODY PENIS AND SHOUTING "YOU SON OF
A BITCH,YOU COULD TOLD MY SHE LIKE HER CUCUMBER PEELED.
===============================================================
SORRY,SYS.LIMIT,MAY BE IN UPPER CASE.NOT OFFENSIVE OR SHOUTING!
===============================================================
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 31 May 1995 08:13:32 -0400
From: Larry Scott <scott@BUFFNET.NET>
Subject: Star Trek: The VCR
STARDATE 12:00 12:00 12:00
by Christopher Buckley
CAPTAIN KIRK: Captain's log, stardate 7412.6... hello? The red light
still isn't going on. Testing, 1-2-3-4. Chekov, it's not recording.
CHEKOV: I know, Keptin. Perhaps a negative function with the clock-
timer.
UHURA: Captain, I'm getting indications of a Klingon presence.
KIRK: Mr. Spock?
SPOCK: I confirm at least six Imperial Klingon warships, Captain, and
heading toward our position at Warp 7.
KIRK: No, the Captain's log. Why won't it record?
SPOCK: Might I suggest, Captain, that we first remove ourselves to a
more secure sector and then address the matter of your log? That would
be the...logical approach.
KIRK: There's nothing logical about this instruction manual. Chekov?
CHEKOV: Keptin?
KIRK: Try this. "With the Rec-On day flashing, press the 5 key."
CHEKOV: I did already, Keptin. Still negative function.
SULU: Captain, I'm having difficulty holding course.
KIRK: Shut down engines. Chekov, "Press the number for the day. For
Sunday, press the 1 key, for Monday, the 2 key, and so on."
CHEKOV: Affirmative, Keptin. Still negative function. Perhaps ve
should go back to page 15, vere it said to press Rec-Off time and enter
two digits for the hour.
SPOCK: Captain, the Klingons are arming their photon torpedoes.
KIRK: Engineering.
SCOTTY: Aye, Captain?
KIRK: Mr. Scott, we've got a malfunction in the log. We're going to
need full deflector power while we get it fixed.
SCOTTY: I canna guarantee it, Captain. The systems are overloaded as
it is.
CHEKOV: Keptin, the flashing 12:00 disappeared!
KIRK: Good work, Chekov!
CHEKOV: Den it came right back.
KIRK: Damn it. Analysis, Mr. Spock.
SPOCK: It would appear, Captain, that this instruction manual that
you and Mr.Chekov have been attempting to decipher was written in Taiwan.
KIRK: Taiwan?
SPOCK: A small island in the Pacific Rim Sector, formerly inhabited
by a determined people who believed that the adductor muscles in giant
clams, Tridacna gigas, conferred sexual potency. In the later twentieth
century, they became purveyors of early video equipment to what was
then the United States. They were able to successfully emasculate the
entire U.S. male population by means of impenetrable instruction
manuals. It was this that eventually led to the Great Conflict.
KIRK: But this is 7412.6. How did a Taiwanese instruction manual get
aboard the Enterprise?
SPOCK: It is possible that a Taiwanese computer virus was able to
infiltrate Star Fleet Instruction Manual Command and subtly alter the
books so that not even university-trained humans could understand them.
KIRK: It's diabolical.
SPOCK: On the contrary, it is perfectly logical. Their strategy was
based on an ancient form of Oriental persuasion known as water torture.
In this case, instead of water a digital rendering of the hour of
twelve o'clock is flashed repeatedly and will not disappear until the
unit is correctly programmed.
KIRK: And for that you need a manual you can understand.
SPOCK: Precisely. Unless...
KIRK: Spit it out, Spock.
SPOCK: You have Star Log Plus. A small device that permitted the
Americans to bypass the instruction manuals and program their units
so that they would not end up with six hours of electronic snow instead
of "Masterpiece Theater" or, more likely, "American Gladiators."
KIRK: Could you make one these things, Spock?
SPOCK: It would take more than the one minute and twenty seconds that
we have until we are within range of Klingon weapons.
DR. McCOY: Jim, you know I hate to agree with Spock, but he's right.
We've got to get out of here. There are hundreds of people on this ship,
young people, with homes and families and futures, and pets--little
hamsters on treadmills, Jim. You can't sacrifice them just because you
can't figure out how to program your damn log!
KIRK: I know my responsibilities, Bones. Spock, would it be possible
to beam the flashing 12:00 into the Klingons' control panel?
SPOCK: Theoretically, yes.
KIRK: Do it.
UHURA: Captain, I'm picking up a Klingon transmission.
KIRK: Put it on screen.
KLINGONS: QI'yaH, majegh!
KIRK: Translation, Spock.
SPOCK: It appears to have worked, Captain. They are surrendering.
KIRK: Take us home, Mr. Sulu. Mr. Chekov, try pressing the OTR button
twice.
Thanks to Patrick Long <patrick.long@f380.n271.z1.fidonet.org>
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 31 May 1995 08:23:54 -0400
From: "Bob Hawkey - The more I learn,
the less I know..................................The more I know,
the less I learn!" <kcdhawk@KODAK.COM>
Subject: Bad language, offensive to CHER...
Q: Why are COLORADO and CHER alike???
A: They were FUCKING SONNY (SUNNY) ONCE!!!!
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 31 May 1995 13:18:53 GMT
From: Kuno Sandholzer <k.sand@MAGNET.AT>
Subject: Chruschtschow and the future <off. to USA & USSR?>
Former USSR-General Secretary Chruschtschow (Nikita Sergejewitsch) was
invited to the presentation of a new computer which was able to predict the
future. So he asked the machine: "What will happen with the United States of
America in the year 2010?" The computer rumbled for a while and then it
printed the answer. Chruschtschow read it loudly: "The USA will be a
socialistic country."
Next he asked the machine: "What will happen with the USSR in the year
2010?" Again the computer rumbled for a while and then printed out the
answer. Chruschtschow looked at the paper and put it in his pocket
immediately.
Why? He couldn't read it - it was written in Chinese letters.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 31 May 1995 09:57:40 EDT
From: Brian McInturff <turf@GELAC.LASC.LOCKHEED.COM>
Subject: The Darwin Award
(Thanks to Javier Jimenez)
The Darwin Award is given for the person who did the gene pool
the greatest service by killing themselves before they (hopefully)
reproduced.
An example of a previous winner of the award is the Kansas University
student who was killed when he pulled a coke machine onto himself.
This year's winner:
The Arizona (U.S.) Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal
embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road, on the outside
of a curve.
The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car.
The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene.
The boys in the lab finally figured out what it was, and what had
happened.
It seems that the guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit, (Jet Assisted
Take Off, actually a solid-fuel rocket) that is normally used to give heavy
military transport planes an extra 'push' for taking off from short
airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert, and
found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit
to his car, jumped in, got up some speed, and fired off the JATO!!
Best as they could determine, he was doing somewhere between 250 and
300 mph (350-420kph) when he came to that curve....
The brakes were completely burned away, apparently from trying to slow
the car.
TODAY'S LESSON KIDS: Solid-fuel rockets don't have an 'off' switch...
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 31 May 1995 12:51:02 -0400
From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Is it A-OK to EVA in Cyberspace?
If It's OK With You
by Jim Mica
IMHO {In My Humble Opinion}, while history doesn't exactly repeat
itself, it can sometimes look like you are seeing things that have been
seen before. Look at our use of language for example. The computer
folks here recently sent around a memo in which they gave a list of
all the new abbreviations that are in vogue in e-mail. Some of these,
like FYI {For Your Information} are really getting a bit long in the
tooth by now. IOW {In Other Words} they are already a tad trite!
But, IMCO {In My Considered Opinion}, you are OL {Out of Luck <--
probably from an earlier version SOL standing for Sh*t Out of Luck}
if you expect much more from technical types.
Take OK as an example of something the technical types have tried to
improve. OK is the most widely known American English
abbreviation. Its origin goes back to the late 1830s when it came
into currency as a playful abbreviation for "Oll Korrect." According to
Bill Bryson (Made In America: An Informal History of the English
Language in the United States, New York: William Morrow and
Company, Inc.,1994), cheerfully illiterate abbreviations were all the
rage at the time. The gems from this era include KY {Know Use},
RTBS {Remains To Be Seen} and KG {Know Go}. Admittedly, the gang
also came up with WOOFC {With One of Our First Citizens}, but most
of there creations were a lot of fun. While most of these
abbreviations were, ultimately, KG, OK took off splendidly in the
Presidential campaign of Martin Van Buren. BTW {By The Way}, Van
Buren was NOT the first president to have a bathtub in the
Whitehouse; that's just a story.
It wasn't until the 1960s that anybody messed with OK. At that
point the whiz-kids at NASA {the National Aeronautics and Space
Administration} decided to improve on OK. I suppose it was
inevitable because OK had been diminished from a superlative to a
ho-hum, mediocre kinda phrase. To perk it up NASA started saying
A-OK! IMNSHO {In My Not So Humble Opinion} what can you expect
from gaggle of techno-nerds who could turn something as exciting as
a "space walk" into EVA (Extra-Vehicular Activity).
Well, ISRN {I'll Stop Rambling Now} and TIA {Thanks In Advance} for
not arguing with me over the origin of OK. OK?
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 31 May 1995 13:12:35 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Big winner <off. to gays>
A gay man walks into a bar that's a hangout for macho jocks. He has
his hands cupped together and says, "If anyone guesses what I've got in
my hands, he gets a free blow job." Down at the end of the bar sits a
man who is 6' 4" tall, 250 pounds of solid muscle and has a deep,
booming voice. "He comments, "I'll bet you've got an elephant in
there!" The gay peeks between his hands and replies, "Hey!...I think
we've got a winner!" Lyle's Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 31 May 1995 14:20:09 -0400
From: Jim Moser <MOSER.J.E%wec@DIALCOM.TYMNET.COM>
Subject: <No subject given>
Subject: Adam's instructions from God <poss. off. to religious>
And God told Adam: " I've got good news and bad news: I have given you
the most powerful brain of all the creatures on the Earth. It will
allow you to have dominion over all the animals. You will use it to
create civilizations, kingdoms; it's vast creative and analytical
powers will even take mankind to the stars.
Also, in order to ensure the procreation of the species, I have made a
most amazing organ of reproduction. It will give you and your mate
incredible pleasure."
Adam, properly impressed, asked "So what's the bad news?"
God spoke and said: "Well we had a little problem with the blood
supply: there's only enough to run one at a time."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 31 May 1995 14:07:37 EST
From: "FISHER, KEN" <KEN_FISHER@SOFSA.SAIR.COM>
Subject: Top Ten List (sexual/suggestive)
From the home office in Big Bone Lick (how appropriate) State
Park, Kentucky, here are the Top Ten slogans promoting National
Condom Week. Heeeeere we go:
10. Cover your stump before you hump.
9. Don't be silly, protect your willy.
8. While undressing Venus, dress up that penis.
7. With the right selection, you can wrap that erection.
6. She won't get sick if you cover your dick.
5. If you want to live long, please dress up King Kong.
4. Before you sink it she might utter, put a cover on that
putter.
3. If you go in heat, package your meat.
2. Before you bounce up on that bed, put a helmet on the head.
1. If you're not going to sack it, then take it home and whack
it.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 31 May 1995 13:33:00 +0400
From: Jeff Guinzburg <jeff@ISI.NOVIX.NS.CA>
Subject: How to Attend a Meeting (3 of 5)
There are two major kinds of meetings:
1. Meetings that are held for basically the same reason that Arbor
Day is observed - namely, tradition. For example, a lot of managerial
people like to meet on Monday, because it's Monday. You'll get used to
it. You'd better, because this kind account for 83% of all meetings
(based on a study in which I wrote down numbers until one of
them looked about right). This type of meeting operates the way "Show
and Tell" does in nursery school, with everyone getting to say
something, the difference being that in nursery school, the kids
actually have something to say.
When it's your turn, you should say that you're still working on
whatever it is you're supposed to be working on. This may seem pretty
dumb, since obviously you'd be working on whatever you're supposed to be
working on, and even if you weren't, you'd claim you were, but that's
the traditional thing for everyone to say. It would be a lot faster if
the person running the meeting would just say, "Everyone who is still
working on what he or she is supposed to be working on, raise your
hand." You'd be out of there in five minutes, even allowing for jokes.
But this is not how we do it in America. My guess is, it's how they do
it in Japan.
Origin: On 24 May 1995 at 11:39, Andy Franklin
(andy@ontos.mhs.compuserve.com) wrote the above in one piece to the
Infinite Joke List (jokes@infinite.ihub.com).
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 31 May 1995 14:11:08 -0500
From: James Thorson <jthorson@CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU>
Subject: Gone swimmin' <offensive>
The lifeguard on the beach at St. Tropez hauls out an apparently lifeless
woman, a drowning victim. Seeing that resuscitation efforts would be
futile, he goes off to notify the authorities.
Along comes this Frenchman who sees the young woman lying on the beach;
he introduces himself, but the woman says nothing. He asks if she'd like
some company; the woman does not object.
Shortly, he mentions to her that this is a topless beach, and wouldn't
she be more comfortable that way? Hearing no objection, he slips off her
bra and then compliments her on her lovely, firm bosoms. He then puts his
arm around her, and the woman does not protest. In a short while, he's
got his hand into her bikini bottom, and she doesn't stop him there.
By the time the lifeguard comes back, the Frenchman in screwing the
now-naked woman right in the surf. He says, "Pardon, sir, but did you
know that this poor woman is dead?"
"My God! I thought she was an American!"
**************************************************************************
Jim Thorson Carpe Flipper
**************************************************************************
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 31 May 1995 15:08:33 -0400
From: "D. E. Gulledge" <gulledge@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: <No subject given>
Our institution has a no-smoking policy which has been reasonably
accepted by all involved. This includes one gentleman who likes cigars.
Since the faculty offices are located in a building on one side of a
small plaza and the classroom building on the other, he has developed a
routine for getting his periodic puffs. On leaving one building he
lights up and takes a few puffs on his way to the other. Upon arrival,
he extinguishes the cigar and places it on a small ledge outside the
building door. After class he reverses the routine. It is not unusual to
find the cigars on ledges. Recently an enterprising student found one of
them and stuffed several cut-off match heads in the ash end.
Later, FIRE IN THE HOLE!!!
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 31 May 1995 13:08:13 EST
From: JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH2.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: OFFENSIVE TO GAYS, possibly Calif.
Have you heard, they have discovered an insect that is responsible for the
spread of AIDS?
It's the Calif. ASSHOPPER.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 31 May 1995 15:55:27 -0700
From: "Timothy J. Rawlings" <bd579@SCN.ORG>
Subject: Another Polack joke! (Groan) <Slightly racial>
One day there were three men walking down the street. One
was black, one was French, and one was Polish. As they
walked by a farm, a farmer stopped them and asked if they'd
like to take a test to win his daughter's hand. Being game,
They said, "Why the hell not?" "Good," the farmer said.
He then explained to them that they would have to jump over
a fence (electric), get through some mud (quick-sand),
and fuck his cow.
The black man went first. He only got as far as the fence,
but he got a permanent set of Dred-Locks!
Next, the French man went. He just barely jumped the fence
when he sloshed right into the quicksand. He screamed,
"Help! Help, mes amis!" The farmer quickly stuck his
foot on the poor Frog's head.
Finally it was the Polack's turn. He jumped the fence with
ease, got through the quicksand with the help of the Frog's
slightly liquified head, and then proceeded to screw the cow.
The farmer, being amazed at all this, decided he'd give the
guy some land along with his daughter.
"So," the farmer said, "are you ready to marry my 19-year-old
daughter and get some of my farm?"
"Well, sir," the Polack nervously replied, "I'd love to take
the land, but could I please keep the cow?"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 31 May 1995 18:21:47 -0700
From: Kim-An Lieberman <miette@U.WASHINGTON.EDU>
Subject: Tourist Morons, cont.
Who Says There's No Such Thing As a Stupid Question?
These are questions that people actually asked of Park
Rangers around the country, proving once again that there
is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity.
(Source: Outside Magazine, May 1995, pp. 120-121)
Grand Canyon National Park
-------------------------------------
Was this man-made?
Do you light it up at night?
I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom --
where is it?
Is the mule train air conditioned?
So where are the faces of the presidents?
Everglades National Park
-------------------------------
Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two o'clock bus leave?
Denali National Park (Alaska)
----------------------------------
What time do you feed the bears?
Can you show me where the yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?
Mesa Verde National Park
---------------------------------
Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
What did they worship in the kivas -- their own made-up
religion?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?
Carlsbad Caverns National Park
------------------------------------------
How much of the cave is underground?
So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
Does it ever rain in here?
How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
So what is this -- just a hole in the ground?
Yosemite National Park
-------------------------------
Where are the cages for the animals?
What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President
Clinton?
Yellowstone National Park
---------------------------------
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
How do you turn it on?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where
are the exits?
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 31 May 1995 22:40:59 -0400
From: darkon@IAC.NET
Subject: Riddle <sick humor>
What goes "Hoppity...clank...hoppity...clank"?
The Easter bunny with polio.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 31 May 1995 23:14:46 EDT
From: Bill Edwards <EDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: Punjabi logic: sun and moon joke
Another joke from India, told to me by a Punjabi.
Two Punjabi peasants got into an argument over which is more important
to the world: the Sun or the Moon. They put the problem to their
village panchayat. The elders deliberated over the question for many
hours before the sarpanch pronounced in favour of the moon in sound
Panjabi logic:
"If there was no moon we would not be able to see anything at night.
The sun shines only during the day when we need no light. The moon is
more important."
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 30 May 1995 to 31 May 1995
************************************************