Topics of the day:
1. Heavenly Fantasies
2. airline acronyms
3. Taglines.. {Part 1 of A BUNCH}
4. Reasons why I can't talk on the phone
5. Music (unkind to Schoenberg & viola players)
6. Musical humor (off. to strings)
7. Spitting
8. Potent love medicine (risque)
9. Book of Creation <mild sacrilege> (Ch. 3 of 3)
10. Giraffes and Piglets
11. Dyslexic Philosopher with Insomnia
12. Quote of the week! <off. to publishers>
13. Secondary Consequences
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sun, 5 Feb 1995 00:04:02 -0500
From: Ken Hall <RINGO21@DELPHI.COM>
Subject: Heavenly Fantasies
On the way home from work, a trio of hardworking hands from a
Kentucky racing stable were sent to their final reward by an
inattentive driver of a semi. St. Peter greeted them, checked his
book, made a few phone calls, checked the book again and finally
admitted, "Gentlemen, I'm terribly embarrassed. You were not
supposed to be here for another month. So, to make it up to you,
I'm going to let you go back to earth and for a month, you can be
anyone or anything you want to be." The men agreed that this was
a fully satisfactory quid pro quo, so St. Peter asked the first guy
what he wanted to become. "I've always wanted to be an eagle
swooping through the Grand Canyon.", said the first. And he was
gone. The second said, "I've always wanted to be a great white
shark prowling along the Great Barrier Reef." And he was gone.
The third fellow seemed embarrassed and looking down at his boots,
admitted, "Well, sir. I've always thought that the perfect life
was to become a stud." And he was gone. A month later, St. Peter
called Gabriel in and after explaining their Heavenly error, asked
Gabriel to round them up. Gabriel asked where he could find them.
"Well," said St. Peter, "One is an eagle in the Grand Canyon.
Another is a shark along the Barrier Reef. The third is in a snow
tire in Minneapolis."
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 5 Feb 1995 10:02:01 +0200
From: Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject: Re: airline acronyms
ALITALIA Always Late In Take-off And Late In Arrival
Kulsum Merchant
St. Lawrence University
Canton
New York.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 5 Feb 1995 04:37:16 E
From: Charlie Hill <hill@MARYWOOD1.MARYWOOD.EDU>
Subject: Taglines.. {Part 1 of A BUNCH}
"The Canonical List of Taglines"
Maintained by Jascha Franklin-Hodge
joeshmoe@world.std.com
expected and so therefore one is expecting the expected? on rainy Mondays?
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." Bill Gates '81
"90% of all statistics are made up"
"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject."-W. Churchill
"A little work, a little sleep, a little love and it is all over." - R. Frost
"A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience." -Doug Larson
"Apple" (c) 6024 b.c., Adam & Eve
"Apple" (c) Copyright 1767, Sir Isaac Newton.
"Bad knee, gotta run" - Pat Buchanan to his draft board
"Bother," said Pooh as Earnhardt won again!
"Bother," said Pooh as the brakes went out!
"Build a watch in 179 easy steps" by C. Forsberg.
"C++" should have been called "D"
"COINCIDENCE" happens.
"Charlie was a Chemist, but Charlie is no more. What Charlie thought was
H20 was H2SO4."
"Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint him"
"Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity."
"Freedom defined is freedom denied." -The Illuminatus
"Have you ever dated somebody because you were too lazy to commit suicide?"-Judy Tenuda
"Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's hand grenades I throw..."
"Human equality is a contingent fact of history." -Steven Jay Gould
"I'm looking for Mr. Dover, first name Ben.."
"I'm not an actor, but I play one on TV"
"I'm not smart enough to lie" - Ronald Reagan
"If the shoe fits, buy it." Imelda Marcos
"Is" is the verb for when you don't want a verb.
"It hurt real bad." -John Bobbit
"It is not the fall that kills you. it's the sudden stop at the end."-D. Adams
Last Update: 1994/11/27 5:22pm EST
To receive an updated copy of this list:
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Send email to joeshmoe@world.std.com
put the text "send taglines.txt" in the SUBJECT HEADER
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------------------------------
Date: Sun, 5 Feb 1995 09:47:14 -0500
From: Jennifer Schmidt <JenSch@AOL.COM>
Subject: Reasons why I can't talk on the phone
Reasons why I can't talk on the phone
(actually, reasons I'm trying to avoid calling/accepting a call from you)
1. Did I mention I was deaf in one ear? Well, that's my phone ear
2. We don't have electricity hooked up in our villiage yet
3. Look, I don't even know you... mom
4. I have strep throat, and I don't want you to catch it
5. My phone line is connected directly to my answering machine
6. I seriously injured my dialing finger yesterday in a freak accident
7. I can't use the phone without adult supervision
8. I'm on hold indefinitely waiting for the president
9. Are you kidding? I just learned how to use a doorknob
10. I don't speak english
Rather obscure bonus for Kids in the Hall fans:
11. I'm a freak that works in the mailroom
:) Jennifer Schmidt
JenSch@aol.com
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 5 Feb 1995 13:33:43 -0000
From: Michael Forster <mforster@FINDHORN.ORG>
Subject: Music (unkind to Schoenberg & viola players)
Interviewer: Sir Thomas, have you ever conducted Schoenberg?
Sir Thomas Beecham: No, but I trod in some once.
[The following was probably written by a violinist]
A princess was walking through her garden one day when she sees a frog
sitting on a lily pad. As she gets closer she realises, to her amazement,
that it is talking to her.
"Princess, princess, please help me. A wicked witch turned me into a frog -
I used to be a musician - I played beautiful music in a great orchestra. If
you kiss me I can become human and play music again."
The princess said, "Oh how sad, of course I'll help you. By the way, what
instrument did you play?"
The frog replied, "I used to play the viola."
"Ah" said the princess. "You know, I think you could have a great future as
a talking frog."
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 5 Feb 1995 10:58:37 CST
From: David Christian <DCHRISTI@NDSUVM1.BITNET>
Subject: Musical humor (off. to strings)
A friend of mine, who plays the viola, told me this one a while back...
What's the difference between a viola and a violin?
Violas burn longer.
David
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 5 Feb 1995 12:26:23 EST
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Spitting
A warning to the wives of baseball players. No matter HOW ANGRY your
husband makes you, never slap the face of a man chewing tobacco!
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 5 Feb 1995 12:30:30 -0800
From: "CHRIS R. TORRES" <CTORRES@SCUACC.SCU.EDU>
Subject: Potent love medicine (risque)
This woman goes to a doctor and complains that sex with her husband
is next to non-existent, that her husband is never in the mood
anymore. So the doctor gives her a bottle of pills and explains
that they will help liven his libido, but that she is only to
give him one pill a day. The woman agrees and leaves.
When she gets home, she slips a pill into his dinner. That night,
he is in the mood again and they have sex.
Hoping for more of the same, but a little better, the woman slips
him two pills the next night at dinner. Later that night, they
have better sex than they've had in years.
Not wanting to spoil a good thing, she decides to slip him three
pills the next night at dinner. Sex that night was incredible,
for hours and hours in 14 positions.
The next night, she decides to go for broke. Not heeding the
doctor's advice, she slips half the bottle into his dinner.
The next day, the doctor gets a phone call from what sounds to
be a young boy.
"Help, help, you've got to help me," said the young boy.
"What's the problem?" asked the doctor.
"My mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my asshole hurts, and
the dog is walking bow-legged."
-----------------------
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 5 Feb 1995 13:24:35 -0800
From: Kim-An Lieberman <miette@U.WASHINGTON.EDU>
Subject: Book of Creation <mild sacrilege> (Ch. 3 of 3)
THE BOOK OF CREATION
Chapter 3
1- Now the snake in the grass was more permissive than any beast of the field
which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the woman, Why has thou accepted
this lowly and submissive role? For art thou not human, even as the man is
human?
2- And the woman said unto the snake in the grass, the LORD God hath ordained
that I am placed under the man, and must do whatsoever he telleth me to do; for
is he not the Man?
3- But the snake in the grass laughed an cunning laugh, and said unto the
woman, Is it not right and just that thou shouldst fulfill thy potential? For
art thou not comely in thy flesh, even as the man is comely in his flesh?
4- And the woman said, Nay, I know not, for hath not the LORD God clad us
decently, from the neck even unto the ankles; and forbidden that we eat of the
Tree of the Knowledge of Sex?
5- But the snake in the grass said unto the woman, whispering even into her
very ear, saying, Whatsoever feeleth good, do thou it; and believeth thou me,
it feeleth good.
6- And when the woman saw the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Sex, that
it was firm and plump and juicy, she plucked thereof, and sank her teeth
therein, and gave also to her husband, and he likewise sank his teeth therein.
7- And the eyes of both of them were opened, and they saw that they were not
naked.
8- And the woman lossened then Adam's uppermost garment, and he likewise
loosened hers; and she loosened his nethermost garment, and the man then
loosened her nethermost garment; until they were out of their garments both,
and likewise of their minds.
9- And, lo!, they did dance upon the grass of the ground, and they did rock
backward, and roll forward continually;
10- And as they did rock and roll, the serpent that was cunning did play upon
a stringed instrument of music, and did smite his tail upon the ground in an
hypnotic rhythm, and he did sing in a voice that was like unto four voices: She
loveth you, yea, yea, yea.
11- And they did both twist and shout, and fall into a frenzy, both the man
and the woman, and lay themselves upon the ground, and commit there
abominations.
12- And when they were spent from their abominations, they did take the herb
bearing seed, and did roll it and smoke it; and lo! it gaveth them ideas, even
as the LORD God had said; and they were like to commit new abominations.
13- Now the LORD God was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, with
his dog; and as Adam and his wife were beginning these new abominations, the
LORD God did stub the toe of his foot upon their hindermost quarters.
14- And the LORD God waxed wroth, and said unto Adam, Wherefore art thou
naked? And what is that thou smokest? And why art thou not at thy work? For
have I not said that it is the man's part to produce, and the part of the woman
to consume whatever he produceth?
15- And Adam and his wife did look upon one another, and did giggle.
16- Whereupon the LORD God waxed exceeding wroth, and he said, Hast thou eaten
of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldst not eat?
17- And the man said, The woman whom you gavest to be with me made me do it.
18- And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this that thou has done? And
the woman said, The snake in the grass made me do it.
19- And the snake in the grass said, The devil made me do it.
20- And the LORD God said unto the snake in the grass, Thou art an permissive
beast; wherefore art thou cursed to crawl upon they belly, and be made into
belts and boots and handbags hereafter.
21- Unto the woman He said, Since thou has harkened unto the snake in the
grass which is broad-of-mind and permissive; henceforth let it be thy lot to be
confused and scattered in thy brains, and to be plagued by demons who shall
tempt thee to become that which thou canst not be: such as an warrior, or an
extinguisher of fires, or an operator of heavy machinery.
22- And since thou has put aside the decent clothing wherein I clad thee, here
after no garment shall satisfy thee, and thou shalt be overcome by longings to
change thy raiment every spring and fall.
23- And above all this, since thou hast desired to tast of the fruit of the
Tree of the Knowledge of Sex, now let thy very body be a curse unto thee. From
generation unto generation, men shalt whistle and hoot after thee as thou
passest; yea, and women also.
24- And unto Adam he said, Woe unto thee who hast harkened not to the voice of
the LORD thy God, but rather to her who is thy inferior; for thou wast free to
choose. Now shalt thou be banished from the Marketplace and the Free Play
thereof; neither shalt thou pluck the fruit from the Trees of Life and Liberty
and the Pursuit of Happiness.
25- In the sweat of they face shalt thou earn thy bread, and bankruptcy shall
be thy lot; and upon thy back, as a burden unto thee, thou shalt bear Big
Government; for thou has sinned.
26- And the LORD God said unto the man, Behold, thy knowledge of sex shall be
as a curse upon thee and they generations; and thy loins shall be a trial to
thee.
27- For whensoever thou goest into a public place, then shall thy member rise
up; when thou sitteth to eat and drink among they fellows, likewise shall it
rise up; yea, even when thou standeth before the people to preach unto them in
my name, shall it rise up, and be a scandal unto thee, and make an unseemly
lump in thy garments; yet when thou goest into thy wife shall thy member
wither, and rise up not.
28- And then the LORD God was silent, and waxed sad, and made as if to leave
them there. But he turned and spoke softly unto Adam and his wife Eve, saying,
Knowest thou something? Mine only hope is this: That someday, ye have children
who do unto you the way ye have done unto Me.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 5 Feb 1995 16:46:02 -0500
From: Chip Depue <EDEPUE@AOL.COM>
Subject: Giraffes and Piglets
John Michael Scalzi, II (scalzi@cris.com) wrote:
The following is an e-mail I sent to Newt Gingrich, in the wake of the
discovery of his comments on the biological urge of men to "hunt giraffes"
and to wallow in ditches "like little piglets":
To: Georgia6@hr.house.gov
From: Scalzi@cris.com (John M. Scalzi, II)
Subject: Giraffe Poll by Journalist.
Dear Mr. Gingrich:
My name is John Scalzi, and I am a columnist for the Fresno Bee in
Fresno, California. In the days since the unearthing of your comments
about men, women, combat, and the biological drive for men to hunt
giraffes, I have taken it upon myself to conduct a poll to see whether
that innate giraffe-hunting urge (and the little piglet wallowing urge) is
in fact alive and well in the average American male.
While the sample polled is statistically small (50 men, basically
whomever was handy at the time) and largely comprised of white,
college-educated, gainfully employed males, I nevertheless feel that the
information gleaned from this poll will be of some value to someone,
somewhere, some time. Perhaps you yourself, should the subject of
instinctual giraffe slaughtering come up again. Certainly for me, as it
takes up the bulk of my column, to be published this Wednesday, January
25.
Thank you for your time, and happy hunting and/or wallowing, whichever
the case may be.
1. Have you ever hunted a giraffe?
Yes: 0%
No: 100%
2. Have you ever had the urge to hunt a giraffe?
Yes:4%
No: 96%
3. Provided the right tools and the time, would you hunt a giraffe?
Yes: 8%
No: 92%
4. If not a giraffe, would you hunt another African savannah animal?
Yes: 20%
No: 80%
5. If you had to hunt an African savannah animal, which of the following
would you choose?
a) Zebra: 2%
b) Rhino: 6%
c) Meerkat: 12%
d) Boar: 42%
e) Any creature that appeared in "The Lion King": 36%
6. Do you think giraffe would taste like chicken?
Yes: 38%
No: 62%
7. Might it not make more sense not to hunt giraffe, but rather to set up
giraffe ranches?
Yes: 92%
No: 8%
8. When you see Geoffrey, the Toys 'R' Us giraffe, do you ever get the
urge to stick him with a spear?
Yes: 40%
No: 60%
9. Do you expect that Newt Gingrich has ever had the urge to hunt a
giraffe? Yes: 74%
No: 26%
10. If Newt Gingrich were to hunt a giraffe, would he use tools, or simply
his own mouth?
Tools: 48%
Mouth: 52%
11. Would you rather hunt a giraffe, or wallow in a ditch like a little
piglet? Hunt: 30%
Wallow: 70%
12. Would you generally describe yourself as a little piglet?
Yes: 22%
No: 78%
13. Would you describe Newt Gingrich as a little piglet?
Yes: 54%
No: 46%
14. If you could, would you hunt Newt Gingrich?
Yes: 58%
No: 42%
15. Would Newt Gingrich taste like chicken?
Yes: 18%
No: 82%
==========================================
Chip ;)
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 5 Feb 1995 18:13:44 -0500
From: Jay Harman <jharman@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: Dyslexic Philosopher with Insomnia
Did you hear the one about the dyslexic philosopher with insomnia?
Seems he stayed awake all night wondering if there really is a dog!
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 5 Feb 1995 17:15:00 PST
From: "Larson, Mark" <larsonm@CSS.ORST.EDU>
Subject: Quote of the week! <off. to publishers>
"These days, the wages of sin depend on what kind of deal you make with the
publisher."
- Ivern Bell
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 5 Feb 1995 22:58:14 -0500
From: Ken Hall <RINGO21@DELPHI.COM>
Subject: Secondary Consequences
I received this from David Douglas from up in Ottawa town:
A man came home from work early one day and found his neighbor
boffing his wife. Somewhat upset, he get his revolver and forced
the naked neighbor into the garage. He placed his neighbor's
offending member in his workshop vise, tightened down and welded
the vise in place. Then, he went back to the kitchen and returned
with a large carving knife. "Oh no!", said the now-remorseful
neighbor, "You're not going to cut it off, are you?" "Do I look
like an animal? Of course not!", the man said. "*You're* going
to cut it off. *I'm* just going to set the garage on fire!"
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Feb 1995 to 5 Feb 1995
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