Topics in this special issue:
1. Off The Wire
2. The statue and the fairy godmother <sexually suggestive, crude>
3. Dangerous English (WARNING:RACIST WORDS!!!)
4. How to Attend a Meeting (5 of 5)
5. Student Blooper History - 3/4
6. AUDITION <ONLY FOR IRAQ. O MAMA>
7. words of wisdom
8. Humor: A Pastor goes visiting...
9. Fun Things to Do in an Elevator!!!-part 2 of 2
10. Good, <clean> signature lines.
11. Book Titles (2 of 2) <suggestive, relatively inoffensive>
12. Retirement in Florida
13. Cross state or U. trashing (mildly offensive to those named)
14. Genie Joke <language>
15. Bar Joke (Suggestive)
16. Humor: OJ and Christopher Reeve <sick>
17. ? ? ?
18. BEAUTIFUL Poetry from OOZE (off. to poets)
19. newlywed (clean)
20. CPR <language, adult situation>
21. Rock Song Names
22. Bear Hunter <off. to Bear Hunters and maybe to Bears>
23. classifieds <off. to ad writers>
24. Tennis <offensive; sexual>
25. Bunny.
26. medical checkup <off. to gays>
27. Science class humor (not offensive)
28. Porno films <adult themes>
29. How Bama got caught? <US Football humor>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sun, 4 Jun 1995 22:59:53 EDT
From: KEITH E SULLIVAN <DNWU64A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Off The Wire
OFF THE WIRE
News We Just Couldn't Pass Up
Tidbit from "The A-Z of Non-Sexist Language"; the "Abominable snowman"
should now be called "abominable snow creature."
An Italian late for his plane called police on his cellular telephone to
say there was a bomb on board in order to delay the flight. Police traced
the call and dialed his number; he answered at the airline check-in desk.
Trying to spruce up its image, the city of New York is handing out bumber
stickers that say, "Instead of giving the finger, lend a hand."
Call it a lucky day. A Costa Mesa, Calif., man checked his lottery ticket.
One line proclaimed him a $1,984 winner. Another line produced another
$1,984. Then the big one: the $8 million prize.
A British gang successfully stole an armored car containing $18.2 million
in cash but then destroyed at least $1.6 million while torching its way
into the vehicle. Panicked, the six men fled but were captured.
Shortly after arriving at a hospital in Campobasso, Italy, requesting
treatment for "an excess of alcohol," a would-be patient stole an ambulance
and sped off with the sirens wailing.
An elderly Athens man killed one neighbor and wounded another after he
accused them of stealing his cat, which strolled home after the shootings.
Dairy farmers in the Netherlands are trying to train cows to approach an
automatic milking pen when their udders are full. Reports are that most
cows catch on quite quickly but some "just don't get it."
Compiled by Lynn Mucken, From the Seattle Times, Saturday, May 13, 1995.
OFF THE WIRE
News We Just Couldn't Pass Up
Public cainings of reckless drivers in the Persian Gulf emirate of Ras
al-Khaimah have contributed to a sharp drop in fatalities, a police offical
said.
A former California inmate is suing his jailers because they refused to
provide him dental floss. He said he got cavities because he could not floss.
Visitors to the embalmed body of Soviet state founder Vladimir Lenin are
being zapped with invisible satanic energy, the Russian newspaper Arguments
and Facts said.
Iranian television pulled an American film off the air after runners in
shorts appeared on screen.
A parishioner lodged a complaint against an Italian priest who interrupted
a funeral service to answer a call on his cellular phone.
Five prostitutes are suing their former madam because she sold their
brothel in northern Brazil.
A Florida suburb averted embarrassment over a semiannual golf tournament
that had featured topless strippers as caddies. The ladies will wear "cute
little shorts" and halter tops.
A man has been charged with holding up a New Jersey store using a cup of
hot coffee as a weapon.
Two animal lovers are trying to bring the Isaeli army to heel. They have
asked to be exempted from wearing boots made of leather.
Pittsburgh detectives found it easy to identify a suspect in a restaurant
robbery. He used his real name and address to apply for a job there only
minutes earlier.
A 16-year-old who was trying to climb onto the roof of a parochial school
was pinned by a 400-pound statue of the Virgin Mary that fell on top of him.
Compiled by Ivan Weiss, From the Seattle Times, Saturday, May 20, 1995.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 4 Jun 1995 22:46:07 -0600
From: Mark Pendleton <mpendlet@LIB.NMSU.EDU>
Subject: The statue and the fairy godmother <sexually suggestive, crude>
In the middle of the park there is a statue of two lovers kissing while
locked in a passionate embrace. One day the fairy godmother is going by,
and feels sorry for them. "After all," she reasons, "it must be torture
for those poor children not to feel the flame and tingle of passion,
trapped in stone as they are." So she resolves to do a good deed.
That evening, she returns and brings them to life with her magic wand.
She nearly has to break it over their heads to get their attention, they
are so relieved to finally be able to enjoy each other. When she does
succeed in getting them to listen to her, she explains her terms for their
freedom.
"I can give you all night with each other, and maybe other nights too, but
you must promise to be back on your pedestal before sunrise. If I don't turn
you back into stone in the morning, what will the townspeople think ?!"
Well, the lovers agree, and make a bee-line for the nearest grove of
trees.An hour later, FG comes back, and it looks like a hurricane is blowing
through the trees. She leaves feeling pleased with herself, and just a
bit jealous. Another hour goes by, and when she returns to check on "her"
pair, the storm is still raging.
This goes on all night! Finally, a bit diffidently (but the sun is
almost up, and she's got to get them back on their pedestal!) she approach-
es the still trembling copse to tell her love birds their fun is over for
the night. Imagine her surprise to overhear one say to the other "Alright,
now its YOUR turn to hold that pigeon while I shit on its head!!"
---------------------------------
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 5 Jun 1995 15:01:55 JST
From: Maurizio MORABITO <b0017@NIBH.GO.JP>
Subject: Dangerous English (WARNING:RACIST WORDS!!!)
WARNING: THIS MESSAGE CONTAINS OFFENSIVE WORDS!!!
Forwarded message >>>>
Excerpts from "An indispensable guide to DANGEROUS ENGLISH! for
language learners and others" by Elizabeth Claire.
1. American (acceptable)
U.S. Citizen (acceptable)
Yankee (slang, not offensive to Americans, although it
may be said in a derogatory way by people in the
other countries, i.e.,"Yankee go home.")
Gringo (mildly derogatory. Mexican and Southwestern use)
2. Arab (acceptable)
Ayrab (derogatory)
3. Asian (acceptable)
Gook (extremely offensive)
Slant (extremely offensive)
4. African-American (acceptable)
Black (acceptable)
Boy (derogatory)
Coon (slang. extremely offensive)
Nigger (extremely offensive)
Spade (slang. offensive)
Spook (slang. offensive)
5. British (acceptable)
Limey (humorous)
WASP (acceptable or derogatory, depending on the context
and who is speaking)
6. Chicano (acceptable)
Mex (slang. derogatory)
Spic (derogatory)
7. Chinese (acceptable)
Chinaman (slang. mildly derogatory)
Chink (slang. derogatory)
8. French (acceptable)
Frog (humorous or mildly derogatory)
9. Canadian (acceptable)
Canuck (slang. sometimes derogaroty)
10. German-American (acceptable)
Kraut (humorous, sometimes derogatory)
Heinie (derogatory)
11. Hungarian (acceptable)
Hunkie (slang. derogatory)
12. Indo-Chinese (acceptable)
Slant (extremely offensive)
Gook (extremely offensive)
14. Irish-American (acceptable)
Irisher (slang. derogatory)
Mick (slang. derogatory)
Paddy (slang. derogatory)
15. Italian-American (acceptable)
Dago (derogatory)
Wop (derogatory)
Guinea, Guinny, Ginnie (derogatory)
16. Japanese (acceptable)
Jap (derogatory)
Nip (derogatory)
17. Jew, Jewish (acceptable)
Kike (derogatory)
Jewboy (derogatory)
Hebe (derogatory)
Ikey (derogatory)
Sheeny (derogatory)
Yid (derogatory)
[...]
19. Native American (acceptable)
Indian (less acceptable)
Injin (slang. less acceptable)
Redskin (derogatory)
20. Polish-American (acceptable)
Polack (derogatory)
21. White (acceptable)
Honkie (derogatory)
Whitie (derogatory)
Fay (derogatory)
The Man (derogatory)
White Trash (derogatory)
Cracker (derogatory)
Vanilla (humorous)
22. Person of mixed parentage (acceptable)
Half-breed (derogatory)
Zebra (derogatory)
Mulatto (less acceptable)
High Yaller (slang. derogatory)
<<<<
ciao
maurizio
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 5 Jun 1995 01:23:00 +0400
From: Jeff Guinzburg <jeff@ISI.NOVIX.NS.CA>
Subject: How to Attend a Meeting (5 of 5)
You should know how to take notes at a meeting. Use a yellow legal pad.
At the top, write the date and underline it twice. Now wait until an
important person, such as your boss, starts talking; when he does, look
at him with an expression of enraptured interest, as though he is
revealing the secrets of life itself. Then write interlocking
rectangles like this: (picture of doodled rectangles).
If it is an especially lengthy meeting, you can try something like this
(Picture of more elaborate doodles and a caricature of the boss).
If somebody falls asleep in a meeting, have everyone else leave the
room. Then collect a group of total strangers, right of the street, and
have them sit around the sleeping person until he wakes up. Then have
one of them say to him, "Bob, your plan is very, very risky. However,
you've given us no choice but to try it. I only hope, for your sake,
that you know what you're getting yourself into." Then they should file
quietly out of the room.
Origin: On 24 May 1995 at 11:39, Andy Franklin
(andy@ontos.mhs.compuserve.com) forwarded the above in one piece to the
Infinite Joke List (jokes@infinite.ihub.com). According to Douglas Adams
(dadams@falcon.cc.ukans.edu), it is from Dave Barry's book, _Claw Your Way
to the Top: How to Become the Head of a Major Corporation in Roughly a
Week_, with some cosmetic changes.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 5 Jun 1995 02:33:37 EDT
From: Ted Hermary <CZTH@MCGILLA.BITNET>
Subject: Student Blooper History - 3/4
[Our computer has been acting strangely. If Part 2 did not
make it to the lsit, can someone notify me privately.
Thanks.]
History According to Student Bloopers - Part 3
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus
was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about
the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the
Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was
called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock,
they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling
their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies
on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with
their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of
1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many
babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all
this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English
put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their
pacels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats
and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs
were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won
the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the
Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin
Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence.
Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his
pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented
electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse
divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and
is still dead.
George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time
became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the
United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the
Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.
Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin
which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he
wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength."
Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from
Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also
signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth
Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan
would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent
victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the
theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving
picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a
supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 5 Jun 1915 15:58:22 LCL
From: BEN SHAUL <UO516@IBMVM.HAI.IEC.CO.IL>
Subject: AUDITION <ONLY FOR IRAQ. O MAMA>
========SYS.LIMIT,UPPER CASE========
IN THE IRAQ NAVY THERE WAS AN AUDITION.
FOR JOIN UP YOU'LL HAVE TO ENTER ONE ROOM WITH A GORILLA AND
ROPE HER,THEN YOU'LL HAVE TO GO IN A ROOM WITH A GOOD LOOKING
GIRL AND TO MAKE LOVE TO HER.
SADAM ENTER THE FIRST ROOM AND AFTER SAME TIME HE MARCH OUT SHOUTING
"WHERE IS THE GIRL THAT I HAVE TO ROPE".
===============================================================
SORRY,SYS.LIMIT,MAY BE IN UPPER CASE.NOT OFFENSIVE OR SHOUTING!
===============================================================
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 5 Jun 1995 09:12:26 EST
From: JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH2.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: words of wisdom
Be kind to your children, for it is they who will choose your nursing home!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A while back someone posted a birth announcement that was worded as a
New computer announcement. If anyone has a copy I would greatly appreciate
it.
TIA
jstone@letterkenn-emh2.army.mil
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 5 Jun 1995 09:28:17 -0400
From: JBologna James Bologna <JBOLOGNA@BENTLEY.EDU>
Subject: Humor: A Pastor goes visiting...
From a Church Bulletin (and Rick Clements via NutWorks)
A pastor went visiting one afternoon. He knocked on one door several times,
but no one answered. He could see though the window that the television was
on, so he took one of his cards, wrote "Revelations 3:20" on it and stuck it
in the door. (Revelations 3:20 says, "Behold, I stand at the door and knock;
if anyone will open, I will come in.)
The following Sunday, a woman handed him a card with her name and the
following message: "Genesis 3:10". ("I heard thy voice and I was naked, so
I hid myself.")
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 5 Jun 1995 10:54:29 -0400
From: Lindsay Hancock <Froggies0O@AOL.COM>
Subject: Fun Things to Do in an Elevator!!!-part 2 of 2
> Fun Things to Do in an Elevator!!!-part 2 of 2
> ----------------------------------
> Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
>
> Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
>
> Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
>
> Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're
> one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
>
> Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
>
> When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your
> beeper?"
>
> Shadow box.
>
> Say "Ding!" loudly at each floor.
>
> Lean against the button panel so the person either can't get to it,
> or doesn't know where to find it.
>
> Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
>
> Quickly draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the
> other passengers that this is your "personal space."
>
> Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see
> wha in muh mouf?"
>
> Blow spit bubbles and act really proud and amused.
>
> Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host
> body."
>
> Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
>
> Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers
> (up..and down...up...and down).
>
> Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 5 Jun 1995 08:55:00 PDT
From: "Narasimhan, Seshadri" <NARASIS@MTOMP002.ALLIED.COM>
Subject: Good, <clean> signature lines.
"I would like to die in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming in
panic, like his passengers."
(I think the owner's name is John Harkins - seen frequently on the
misc.invest USENET newsgroups)
"If I have not seen far, it is because giants stand on my shoulders." (I
don't recall who uses this signature, but have seen it on the sci.math
newsgroup). (For those that don't get it - the statement is to be read in
the context of Sir Isaac Newton's quotation - "If I have seen far, it is
because I stand on the shoulders of giants.")
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 5 Jun 1995 11:01:51 GMT-5
From: Little Joe <JWALENCI@ACC.JBU.ARKNET.EDU>
Subject: Book Titles (2 of 2) <suggestive, relatively inoffensive>
More fictitious book titles....
"Rusted Bedsprings" by I.P. Nightly
"Trenches in the Snow" by Peter Dragon
"The Glass Bikini" and "The Open Kimono" by Seymour Hair
"The Purple River" by I.P. Querely
"Under the Boardwalk" by I.M. Sandy
"The Mexican Quick Step" by Dia Rhea (and sisters Pia and Gona)
"Ruptured" by Hu Kiki Diki
"Blood on the Hurdles" by Won Hung Lo
"How I Lost the War" by General Confusion
"Tragedy on the Cliff" by Eileen Dover
"Thunder Lizard" by Dino Saur
"Spots in the Desert" by I.C. Kammelcrapp
"Sliding Down the Flagpole" by Dick Burns
"Birth Control in Russia" by Ivan Kutchercockoff
"Suicide Leap" by Hugo Furst
"A Study of Spotted Wall Designs in Excavatioons of Ancient Chinese
Dwellings" by Hoo Flung Doo
"Pregnant Cow" by Boris Bulgonin
"Chinese Torture" by Hu Chu Mein
"Unsolved Mystery" by Ida Know
"Valley Girl Diary" by Oma Gawd
"Gay Lifestyles" by Ben Dover and Eileen Dover
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 5 Jun 1995 10:41:18 EDT
From: Donald E Chesnel <dec_c967@NS01.PORTS.NAVY.MIL>
Subject: Retirement in Florida
Forwarded to: smtp@pns_ns01@servers[HUMOR@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU]
cc:
Comments by: Donald E Chesnel@C967@pns
-------------------------- [Original Message] -------------------------
Two gentlemen were sitting in a coffee shop in Florida discussing their
retirements and how they got there.
The first guy says, "I owned a very large manufacturing plant up North -
it burned to the ground one night. Instead of starting over, I took the
insurance money and came down here".
The second guys says, "That's very interesting. I also had some bad luck
which was a blessing in disguise. My business was destroyed by a large flood
in the Midwest. Instead of rebuilding, I also decided to use the money to
retire".
There was a long pause, after which the first guy says, "Tell me, how do
you start a flood"?
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 5 Jun 1995 13:15:42 -0400
From: Thomas Rowe <trowe@UWSPMAIL.UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Cross state or U. trashing (mildly offensive to those named)
I got these a couple of years ago off a list that no longer exists (LORE).
For international readers, there are sometimes "friendly" rivalries between
states or Universities where the members of one state insult the residents of
another. Surely others know of those they can add. And maybe we can expand
it to countries. The first one (and only the first one) is mine.
In Wisconsin ask a resident of Illinois "What's the difference between a
cheesehead and a dickhead?" Ans: Illinois State border.
In Michigan: Do you know why a buckeye is the perfect symbol for Ohio? Its a
hairless nut.
In Ohio there used to be a sign on the OH/MI border that read: "Keep Ohio
beautiful ... Dump your trash in Michigan."
In Kentucky: What's the only good thing to come out of Indiana? I-65 South
[4 lane highway leading South into Kentucky].
In Indiana: Why is it no one outside of Kentucky understands the phrase
"Uncle Dad?"
University humor: Why did they put Astroturf [artificial grass] in the
Hoosierdome? To keep the homecoming queen from grazing at halftime.
What's the difference between an IU cheerleader and a Porche? Not everyone's
been inside a Porche. Also a Porche is prettier but not as fast.
Why did God make armadillos? So Aggies (Texas A&M U.) could eat possum on the
half shell. [reference to eating roadkill]
Did you know they arrested someone for trying to smuggle a book into Kentucky?
They had to dismiss the charges because no one in Kentucky could prove it was
a book.
Did you hear the U. of South Carolina library burned down? Both books were
lost. And one wasn't even colored in yet.
At U. of Washington in Seattle they say of Wash. State U. in Pullman:
All roads lead to Rome
All dirt roads lead to Pullman
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 5 Jun 1995 13:18:12 -0400
From: Louise Koester <Buceo42@AOL.COM>
Subject: Genie Joke <language>
Three men were climbing Mt. Everest and found a magic lamp. The genie that
appeared <of course> told them that if they climbed to the top of the
mountain and jumped off, what ever they said, the Genie would turn them into
that.
The first man climbed up and jumped off, and said "Eagle." And sure enough,
the genie turned him into an eagle, and he flew away.
The second man climbed up, jumped and said "Hawk." And he turned into a
hawk, and soared away.
As the third man climbed up to the top of the mountain, he tripped, and
shouted "Shit!"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 5 Jun 1995 13:52:49 EST
From: "FISHER, KEN" <KEN_FISHER@SOFSA.SAIR.COM>
Subject: Bar Joke (Suggestive)
A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. He notices a
large jar at the corner of the bar, overflowing with money. He asks
the bartender what's the deal with the jar. The bartender replies,
"whoever wants to, throws $20 in the jar and if they accomplish 3
things, they win all the money in the jar." The guy asks what the 3
things are they have to do. The bartender says "the first thing is to
knock the shit out of the big biker at the end of the bar. The second
thing is go in the back room and remove the infected toenail from the
paw of a huge, angry Pit Bulldog and the third is to screw the fat,
ugly, hairy woman at the other end of the bar." About six drinks
later, the customer starts feeling indestructible. He throws $20 in
the jar, walks to the end of the bar and knocks out the biker with one
punch. He then walks to the back room where the dog is and slams the
door behind him. After a few minutes of hearing the Pit Bull yelping
and crying, the guy throws open the door, zips up his pants and yells
"All right, where is the ugly broad with the bad toenail?"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 5 Jun 1995 14:03:00 -0400
From: Matthew Grob <Matthew.Grob@MCHIS.MED.NYU.EDU>
Subject: Humor: OJ and Christopher Reeve <sick>
Q: What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and Christopher Reeve?
A: O.J.'s gonna walk.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 5 Jun 1995 14:21:36 -0400
From: Bull Ryan <BullRyan@AOL.COM>
Subject: ? ? ?
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To prove to the raccoon & the opossum that it could be done.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 5 Jun 1995 14:25:58 -0400
From: Matt Patterson <DrBubonic@AOL.COM>
Subject: BEAUTIFUL Poetry from OOZE (off. to poets)
LOVELY POETRY FROM OOZE
These fine testaments to the romantic spirit of man are but a small sampliing
of the incredible humor found in the current issue of Ooze-- #5. Catch it at
http://www.io.com/~ooze or get a text or macintosh application subscription
at drbubonic@aol.com
ODE TO UNEMPLOYMENT
Hurrah fair sir
for today I will graduate
from college
and now have an $80,000 piece of paper
which could burn in
less than two seconds
DEAD BIRD
Yo, dead bird
Get up and fly.
WOMAN IN HIS BED
I went to see her,
but she was in his bed
that sucked, so I left
MIRROR IMAGES OF REJECTION #27
1/4 cup of zucchini
1/3 cup of unbleached wheat flour
1/5 cup of carrots
2 Tblspn Baking Soda
1 Pkg yeast extract
mix in a pan and bake at 325 degrees
for about an hour at the center rack
Then remove from oven and smash it into your own skull
As scalding dough dribbles down your chin
ask your self why you bake to hate
BUDDY BOY
Wanna fight
Yeah you
After School by the bike racks
You might bleed after I hurl a brick at your head.
SINGLE URBAN MALE
Dorito cheese
On my fingers
Farts from my ass
No one else in my bed
Except porno
I suck.
UNTITLED-1
Barney had plenty of hair on his neck.
He had friends there.
Star Trek
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 5 Jun 1995 14:41:56 EDT
From: Ann Dellarocco <anndell@RDZ.STJOHNS.EDU>
Subject: newlywed (clean)
Date: 6/5/95
From: Ann Dellarocco
Subject: newlywed (clean)
A newlywed heard the garbage man outside. Running out with curlers
in her hair, her face covered with cream, and dressed in an old
shabby robe, she asked the driver: Am I too late for the garbage?
Driver: No, hop right in
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 5 Jun 1995 14:42:48 -0400
From: David Wall <darkon@IAC.NET>
Subject: CPR <language, adult situation>
Three men went out on Sunday to play some golf. On the fourth
hole, Fred chipped a shot into the rough. "You all play on
ahead," he insisted. "I'll catch up with you."
Off they went, but after a half an hour had gone by with no
sign of Fred, Charlie said, "I'll go check on him." The third
guy played on for a while, then he got to wondering what had
happened to the first two, so he went back to check on them.
When he got back to the fourth hole, he was astonished:
poor Fred was bent over the back seat of his golf cart, with
his buddy energetically screwing him up the ass.
"Charlie, what the hell are you doing?!" he yelled, running
towards them.
"It was horrible," gasped a red-faced Charlie. "When I got
here, Fred was having a massive heart attack."
"You're supposed to give him heart massage, you idiot," cried
the third guy, "and mouth-to-mouth resuscitation."
"I know THAT," retorted Charlie indignantly. "How do you think
this got started?"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 5 Jun 1995 14:44:20 -0400
From: Matt Demmon <MattSoc@AOL.COM>
Subject: Rock Song Names
Since everbody is jumping in with wierd country songs, here are some of my
favorite ones from rock:
These are from Roger Water's solo project 'Music From the Body'
Red Stuff Writhe
Lick Your Partners
Piddle In Perspex
Embryonic Womb-Walk
Plastic Teeth
Mrs. Throat Goes Walking
More Than Seven Dwarfs In Penis-Land
Dance of The Red Corpuscles
And here are some of my Pink Floyd favorites:
Not Now John
Pigs On The Wing
Wots...Uh The Deal
Careful With That Axe, Eugene
Several Species of Small Furry Animals Gathered Together In A Cave And
Grooving With A Pict
Take Up Thy Stethescope And Walk
See if you can find some more cool ones. I bet Primus has got some goodies.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 2 Jun 1995 14:10:00 PDT
From: "Kendrick, Randy/Mkt-Den" <KendricR@ACCESS.ICGWS.COM>
Subject: Bear Hunter <off. to Bear Hunters and maybe to Bears>
There once was a bear hunter who was having no luck in finding his quarry.
All at once, he felt a tap on his shoulder from behind. It was a huge
grizzly bear. The hunter's shock was increased when the bear spoke to him.
"You are hunting me, I'll bet", said the bear. "You may choose your
punishment. Either I will maul you to death or fuck you up the ass!" The
hunter didn't want to die, so he consented to give the bear the pleasure of
his booty. The bear left satisfied and the hunter returned to his cabin.
The next day, the hunter decided to kill the bear for revenge. But, as luck
would have it, the grizzly found him first. Once again, the hunter felt the
tap on his shoulder and the bear made his request. The hunter dropped his
pants, bent over, and took what the beast had to offer.
The third day, the hunter was really irate and decided he would torture and
kill that bear! Once more, though, the bear was the better hunter. When the
man felt the familiar tap on his shoulder, he expected to hear the grizzly's
offer of a choice again, but this time the bear just said, "You're not
really into this for the hunting anymore, are you?"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 5 Jun 1995 14:09:14 CDT
From: Bob Terry <raterry@SAUMAG.EDU>
Subject: classifieds <off. to ad writers>
Linda asked for humorous classifieds. Here are a bunch. No, I'll
not vouch for their authenticity, but _most_ of them sound real to
me.--Bob
FROM THE CLASSIFIEDS
2 female Boston terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-
1234. Leave mess.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the
family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special--turkey $2.35; chicken or beef $2.25; children
$2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and
large drawers.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lovers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair
to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by
hand.
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
For Sale--eight puppies from a German shepherd and an Alaskan
hussy.
Great dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful
condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere
Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la
Fontain, and Chopin.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue
Cross and salary.
Wanted. Widower with school-aged children requires person to
assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of
contributing to growth of family.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for
efficient beating.
Semi-annual after-Christmas sale.
And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for
$1.00.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
For sale: A quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty
chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur
collar.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for
charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last
year.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.
Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Modular Sofas. Only $299 For rest or fore play.
Auto Repair Service. Free pickup and delivery. Try us once;
you'll never go anywhere again.
Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for
efficient beating.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale
And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for
$1.
RADIO SPOTS:
Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous
figure.
When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green
bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after.
Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs
from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.
Illiterate? Write for free information.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 5 Jun 1995 15:07:14 -0400
From: Lee Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Tennis <offensive; sexual>
At the country club one afternoon, Mr. Herrisson was looking for a game of
doubles and chanced upon three new members who needed a fourth. To choose
partners, the four talked a bit about their skills and weaknesses. Ms. A
said, "Actually, I'm ranked nationally, so I need to establish a handicap
in order to be fair to you other folks." Whereupon, she dropped her
racket and unscrewed her artificial left hand. "So, if you're going to do
that," said Ms. B, "I'll just have to remove my foot." And she bent over
and unscrewed her artificial foot. Ms. C avowed that she had no
detachable parts and that she needed everything she had to compete, but
she asked, "How about you Mr. Herrisson, do you need to remove anything?"
Mr. Herrisson answered, "Tell you what, lady, just step over here behind
this bush and help me out a minute." After about 10 minutes, Ms. A and
Ms. B were getting impatient, and they looked over behind the bush and
saw Mr. Herrisson screwing his head off.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 5 Jun 1995 15:38:41 -0400
From: Scott Zotigh <Zotigh@AOL.COM>
Subject: Bunny.
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbors pet
rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the
neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes this dirty, chewed up
rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries it's fur and puts the
rabbit back into the cage at the neighbors house, hoping they will think it
died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks
the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" The guy stumbles around and says,
"Um..no..um..what happened?" The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead
in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him
we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back
into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"
::he,he::
Scott Zotigh
Zotigh@aol.com
Kiowa
`|:")
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 5 Jun 1995 14:48:43 CDT
From: Bob Terry <raterry@SAUMAG.EDU>
Subject: medical checkup <off. to gays>
The young man [in my perspective he was young] went for a
physical checkup. When the doctor reported that everything was fine,
the patient queried him further, "Are you sure there's nothing wrong?"
"No, everything checks out fine. Why do you ask?" said the
doctor.
"Well," said the young man, "tomorrow I turn 35. When my
father turned 35, he announced that he was gay and divorced my
mother."
The doctor stroked his chin thoughtfully for a moment, then
replied, "I can see your concern, but I wouldn't worry too much about
such an isolated incident, even if it was your father."
"Oh, but it wasn't so isolated an incident! Both my older
brothers did the same thing when they turned 35."
"Doesn't anybody in your family like pussy?" asked the doctor.
"Yes, my two older sisters."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 5 Jun 1995 15:01:54 -0500
From: Andrew Wagner <afwagner@STUDENTS.WISC.EDU>
Subject: Science class humor (not offensive)
From one of the bbs's...
Had a quiz in my biology class today. I got there and took my seat,
and the professor said, "We're going to have a little quizzie today". He
passed them out, and I took the little quizzie. It was really difficult--I
wasn't prepared for it in the slightest. I think I probably failed it. At the
end of the class, I handed it in to the professor, and I told him, "If that's
one of your little quizzies, I'd hate to see one of your little testies..."
//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\
\\ //
// Andrew F. Wagner, BS Elaine K. Prentice, RNC \\
\\ afwagner@students.wisc.edu eprentic@facstaff.wisc.edu //
// Perinatal Research -- Department of Maternal-Fetal Medicine \\
\\ University of Wisconsin-Madison Meriter-Park Hospital //
// (Andy's "at work" signature) \\
\\ //
//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 5 Jun 1995 12:50:31 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Porno films <adult themes>
A warning to husbands who like to see an occasional X-rated or porno
movie. If you go to the movie, get an erection and punch a hole in the
bottom of your popcorn box, there's no telling what might happen when
you come home covered with butter and salt. Lyle's Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 5 Jun 1995 18:34:50 EDT
From: George <EDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: How Bama got caught? <US Football humor>
The University of Alabama (USA) football team is being put on
probation for major rules violations. This has generated many new
Bama jokes and the Alabama faithful have not lost their well-
known sense of humor.
Bama fans don't understand why the NCAA (the rule-making and
rule-enforcing agency of American college football) is
persecuting their noble and beloved Crimson Tide football
program. Here are the best conspiracy theories going:
"Auburn and Florida boosters bribed the NCAA investigators."
"Auburn and Tennessee boosters bribed those poor boys to lie and
hired criminal elements to set the trap."
"We got too many <Afro-Americans> on our team." <Both the players
most closely associated with the scandal are Afro-Americans>
"This is President Clinton's revenge for Senator Richard Shelby
turning Republican."
"Bobby Bowden got Hootie Ingram the job at Alabama so Hootie
would screw things up for his son Terry." Really, what
responsible person would allow others to call him "Hootie"? He-
haw, hey-haw.
"The NCAA Enforcement office is run by a bunch of former FBI and
AFT jack-booted fascists who just couldn't stand the fact a fine
fun-lovin', freedom lovin' bunch of good ole boys could manage
over a hundred years of championship football without ever being
put on probation."
"Gene Stalling is too good-hearted to cheat." Translation from
Bama Speak to Southern English: He ain't much smarter than an
eight-week old hound dog.
"We ain't done nothin' wrong. Those cheatin' Auburn people are
just jealous."
Here are the two official explanations:
"We didn't cheat. It was just a innocent error of judgment."
"No Alabama booster is allowed to pay or tip or otherwise
financial assist our student athletes. We let professional sport
agents to do the job (and that's not against NCAA rules)."
You never hear an Alabama football fan say:
"We finally got caught."
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Jun 1995 to 5 Jun 1995 - Special issue
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