Topics of the day:
1. Condom Story (Very mildly Risque)
2. So you want to be an unrecognized genius
3. Rodeo <off. to gays>
4. more medical malpractice
5. More limbless jokes
6. Spellcheckers--Inoffensive
7. Friendship
8. THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO OVERHEAR OVER AN AIRLINE P.A. SYSTEM
9. Country Song Title Contest
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sun, 5 Mar 1995 00:18:54 -0500
From: Paul Robinson <paul@TDR.COM>
Subject: Condom Story (Very mildly Risque)
A version of the following story appeared in the {Washington Post}. CVS
is a very large drug store chain with thousands of stores all over the
United States.
****
One day while a lady was shopping at the Cleveland Park (Washington DC)
CVS Drug Store, she purchased some health and beauty items as well as a
box of condoms. The woman is 21 and engaged to be married.
Of course, a condom purchase is nothing unusual these days. Except for
the circumstances in which the item was rung at the register.
When the clerk scanned all her purchases, he tried to scan the box of
condoms as well, but he was having trouble getting the code to run across
the scanner. He tried it a couple of times, and it didn't scan.
Now, of course, you can guess what happened. Well, you're wrong.
The woman thought the clerk had made a sexually suggestive remark to her.
The clerk, it turned out, was Jamaican, and was still trying to learn
English.
The woman thought the clerk had said to her, "Next, time, why not use
skin, it's free."
The woman, ran in tears to the manager. He escorted her to his office,
where she poured out her complaint to him. The manager politely told her
that she could have the box of condoms for free, and asured her that the
clerk would be reprimanded.
Feeling satisfied, the woman had left. Was this any way to handle a
sensitive purchase? Did CVS really endorse unprotected sex, in this day
and age?
Upon investigating the incident, the manager found that the clerk would
never have made such a remark to a woman. What he had actually said was,
"Next time, if it doesn't scan, it's free."
The moral of the story: If someone doesn't speak quite clearly in the
Queens' English, Give them the benefit of the doubt.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 5 Mar 1995 09:51:25 -0500
From: Jennifer Schmidt <JenSch@AOL.COM>
Subject: So you want to be an unrecognized genius
SO YOU WANT TO BE AN UNRECOGNIZED GENIUS
By Matt Groening
Reprinted/Edited without permission
Telltales signs of genius
=====
* splitting headaches
* dark circles under eyes
* nervous twitches
* haunted look
* muttering of profanity
* growling
* stale body odor
* permanent slouch
* lottery tickets
What to talk to yourself about
=====
* bizzare conspiracy theories
* lower back pain
* how stupid everyone is
* how the world can go to hell for all you care
* what you're going to do when you get a million dollars
What the well-dressed genius is wearing
=====
Generally, fashions and hairstyles that were popular approximately a decade
ago
The many many moods of the gifted visionary
=====
* irked * glum * grumpy
* vexed * surly * sullen
* crabbed * snappy * sour
* perturbed * peevish * deadly
Things to hate
=====
* mom
* dad
* god
* foreigners
* school
* tv
* rich people
* your boss
* your friends
* humor
Things to do today
=====
* glare at shoppers in the grocery store
* write a frothing letter to the editor
* sneer at the tv for at least four hours
* mumble menacingly under your breath at the laundromat
* walk out of the gallery opening in a huff
Don't forget your secret project: your memoir
=====
* make plenty of notes
* ruminate
* take a nap
* make a list
* draw a diagram
* ruminate some more
* don't show your work to anyone until it's finished
* for best results, type your manuscript single-spaced with no margins using
an old typewriter, use lots of underlining and exclamation points, and don't
forget those all-important smudges and coffee stains that show the consuming
intensity of your inner torment.
The secret motto of the secret genius
(tattooed on ass)
=====
LIVE SLOW
DIE IN LATE MIDDLE-AGE
LEAVE AN ARTERIOSCIEROTIC CORPSE
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 5 Mar 1995 11:55:15 EST
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Rodeo <off. to gays>
What is the difference between a straight rodeo and a gay rodeo? At a
straight rodeo the fans yell, "RIDE THAT SUCKER!!!" Lyle's Joke
Boutique.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 5 Mar 1995 15:57:34 -0500
From: MikGreene@AOL.COM
Subject: more medical malpractice
Berton Corson's story about the guy waking up from surgery on the wrong foot
reminded me of a very similar incident.
A friend of mine had bone marrow cancer in his left leg and his oncologist
recommended amputating the leg. After getting a confirming second opinion,
my friend agrees to surgery. When he wakes up, he discovers they've taken
the wrong leg. He still has to undergo the amputation which the doctor
volunteers to do for free. After the second surgery, my friend sues but in
this world where the most money wins, he loses his suit. The judge ruled he
didn't have a leg to stand on.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 5 Mar 1995 12:55:02 -0800
From: "CHRIS R. TORRES" <CTORRES@SCUACC.SCU.EDU>
Subject: More limbless jokes
Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs?
A: Dick
Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a hot tub?
A: Bob
Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in front of a door?
A: Matt
Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs trying to water ski?
A: Skip
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 18:58:28 GMT-6
From: "Joe F. Walenciak" <JWALENCI@ACC.JBU.ARKNET.EDU>
Subject: Spellcheckers--Inoffensive
They're know miss steaks in this newsletter cause we used special
soft wear witch checks you're spelling. It is mower or lass a weigh
to verify. How ever is can knot correct arrows in punctuation ore
usage: an it will not fined words witch are miss used butt spelled
rite. Four example; a paragraph could have mini flaws but wood bee
past by the spell checker. And it wont catch the sentence fragment
which you. Their fore, the massage is that proofreading is knot
eliminated, it is still berry much reek wired.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 5 Mar 1995 18:55:26 -0500
From: Chip Depue <EDEPUE@AOL.COM>
Subject: Friendship
The Bear and the Travelers. A little lesson for all of us :)
Two travelers were on the road together, when a Bear suddenly appeared on the
scene. Before he observed them, one made for a tree at the side of the road,
and climbed up into the branches and hid there. The other was not so nimble
as his companion; and, as he could not escape, he threw himself on the ground
and pretended to be dead. The Bear came up and sniffed all round him, but he
kept perfectly still and held his breath; for they say that a bear will not
touch a dead body. The Bear took him for a corpse, and went away. When the
coast was clear, the Traveler in the tree came down, and asked the other what
it was the Bear had whispered to him when he put his mouth to his ear. The
other replied, "He told me never again to travel with a friend who deserts
you at the first sign of danger."
Misfortune tests the sincerity of friendship!!!!!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Chip ;)
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 5 Mar 1995 19:46:02 -0500
From: Gwen Eckman <fool@CHOPIN.UDEL.EDU>
Subject: THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO OVERHEAR OVER AN AIRLINE P.A. SYSTEM
THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO OVERHEAR OVER AN AIRLINE P.A. SYSTEM
1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted
to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used
as floatation devices...
2. Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If
you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive
an extra pack of peanuts
3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local
terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airlines new
commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.
4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!
5. ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)
6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to
go back....we..we....uhhhhhh....forgot something.....
7. I'm sure everyones noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction
in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now.
(ironic note: this is actually true for prop aircraft!)
8. Fasten your seatbelt (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving
tendencies uses when you get in the car)
9. This is your Captain speaking....these damn planes are a lot different
than the ships I'm used to..so you'll have to give me some leeway......
10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and
watched the inflight movie.
11. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and Oh shit...
12. Don't worry that one is always on E...
13. Get the parachutes ready...
14. Drinks are on me...or I'll have what the Captain's having...
15. Hey capt'n take another hit man...
16. Hey why don't you tell the new Stewardess she can come sit on my lap
and fly the plane...
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 5 Mar 1995 22:29:33 -0500
From: John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Country Song Title Contest
The Washington Post Sytle Invitational Challenge asked people to come up
with a country song title:
7th runner up:
Jump in the hefty bag, baby, 'cause I'm takin' out the trash.
6th runner up:
She gimme any more lip, you gonna have to call me Jagger.
5th runner up:
My best man was her daddy's shotgun.
4th runner up:
Why don't we get drunk and (Thud) ...
3rd runner up:
I Knifed the forklift driver 'cause he was spoonin' with you.
2nd runner up:
Won't you be my Ballantine?
1st runner up:
I'd rather pass a kidney stone than another night with you.
AND THE WINNER IS:
Lovin' you clogged my arteries with your big fat lies, then you
bypassed my heart for some other guy.
NEXT: The Honorable mentions.
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Mar 1995 to 5 Mar 1995
**********************************************