Topics of the day:

1. Surd jokes (offensive to Surds / Sikhs)
2. making love<adult theme>
3. Bananas (off. to nuns)
4. Suggested Punishments
5. More viola bashing <off. to strings>
6. Monkeys <adult themes>
7. Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet - Feb 3 1995
8. viola bashing <may be harmful to musicians>
9. More Put-downs <Off. disenfranchised, their mothers>
10. Humor from India: The Hon. Rev. 2-Stroke

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Mon, 6 Feb 1995 12:08:33 +0200
From: Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject: Surd jokes (offensive to Surds / Sikhs)

FYI: Surds are Sikhs who, for religious reasons, wear turbans
and never cut their hair.

> Q: How do you measure a surd's intelligence?
> A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear!
>
> Q: Why do surds wear their hair up?
> A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.
>
> Q: HOW DO YOU KEEP A SURD BUSY ALL DAY?
> A: Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.
>
> Q: A surd going to London on a plane, how can you steal
> his window seat?
> A: Tell him the seats that are going to London are
> all in the middle row.
>
> Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN A SURD THROWS A PIN AT YOU?
> A: Run like Hell....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.
>
> Q: How do you make a surd laugh on
> Saturday?
> A: Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
>
> Q: What is the surd doing when he holds
> his hands tightly over his ears?
> A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
>
> Q: Why did the surd stare at frozen orange
> juice can for 2 hours?
> A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
>
> Q: Why do surds work seven days a week?
> A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
>
> Q: What did the surd do when he noticed that someone had
> already written on the overhead transparency?
> A: He turned it over and used the other side.
>
> Q: Why did god give surds 2% more brains than horses?
> A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades.
>
> Q: How does a surd measure his/her IQ?
> A: With a tire gauge! (da da dum)
>
> Q: How do you make a surd laugh on Monday mornings ?
> A: Tell them a joke on Friday night !
>
> Q: How do you confuse a surd?
> A: You don't. They're born that way.
>
> Q: How do you keep a surd in suspense?
> A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)
>
> Q: How do you keep a surd busy?
> A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
>
> Q: Why can't surds make ice cubes?
> A: They always forget the recipe.
>
> Q: How did the surd try to kill the bird?
> A: He threw it off a cliff.
>
> Q: What's the difference between a surd and a computer?
> A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
>
> Q: Why do men like surd jokes??
> A: Because they can understand them.
>
> Q: Why do surds wash their hair in the sink?
> A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
>
> Q: How many surds does it take to change a lightbulb?
> A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
> A2: One. Heholds the bulb and the world revolves around hin.
> A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
>
> Q: What does a surd say when you ask his if his blinker is on?
> A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.
>
> Q: What do you get when you offer a surd a penny for his
> thoughts?
> A: Change.
>
> Q: What do you call 10 surds standing ear to ear?
> A: A wind tunnel.
>
> Q: What do you call a surd in an institution of higher
> learning?
> A: A visitor.
>
> Q: What do you call a surd with half a brain?
> A: Gifted!
>
> Q: What do you call a surd in a tree with a brief case?
> A: Branch Manager.
>
> Q: What do you call a smart surd?
> A1: A golden retriever.
> A2: An indicator of a really bad hangover.
>
> Q: What do you see when you look into a surd's eyes?
> A: The back of his head.
>
> Q: What do a surd and your computer have in common?
> A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they
> go down on you.
>
> Q: What do you do when a surd throes a hand grenade at you?
> A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
>
> Q: What do a bowling ball and a surd have in common?
> A1: Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter.
> A2: You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them
> in the gutter and they'll always come back.
>
> Q: What does a surd and a beer bottle have in common?
> A: They're both empty from the neck up.
>
> Q: What is surd's cheer?
> A: " I'm surd, I'm surd, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well..
> I'm surd, I'm surd, yea yea yea..."
>
> Q: Why did the surd take his typewriter to the doctor ??
> A: He thought it was pregnant becaus missed a period.
>
> Q: Why are surds hurt by peoples words?
> A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
>
> Q: Why can't surds put in light bulbs?
> A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
>
> Q: When is it legal to shoot a surd in the head?
> A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!
>
> Q: Whats the difference between a Surd and a Supermarket
> Trolley.
> A: A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
>
> Q: What was the surd psychic's greatest achievment?
> A: An IN-body experience!
>
> Q: Why is the surd's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
> A: It swells at night.
>
> Q: A surd ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should
> cut it in six or twelve pieces.
> A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
>
> Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
> A: A surd parade.
>
> Q: GUY ASKED HIS SURD WIFE"HOW DID YOU GET THE CAR IN THE LIVING ROOM"?
> A: She said "I drove it through the kitchen and took a left."
>
> Q: SOMEONE ASKED IF A SURD BELEIVED IN SMOKING.
> A: He said "Yes, I've seen it done."
>
> A surd's response to the comment, "THINK about it!":
> "I don't have to think -- I'm surd!"
>
> SURD #1: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?"
> SURD #2: "No, who wrote it?"
>
> Did you hear about the surd mom who kept an icepack on his chest
> to keep the milk fresh?
>
> What about the surd wife who gave birth to twins?
> Her husband is out looking for the other man.
>
> SURD: "Excuse me sir, what time is it?"
> MAN: "It's 3:15."
> SURD: (puzzled look on his face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing,
> I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get
> a different answer."
>
> Two surds observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of
> their Mercedes with a coat hanger:
>
> Surd#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
>
> Surd#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting
> to rain and the top is down!
>
> Two brunettes and a surd are in the hospital awaiting the
> arrival of their first children. The 1st brunette says, "I just
> know I'm going to have a girl, 'cuz I conceived while I was
> on my back". The 2nd brunette says, "Mine's going to be a
> boy, 'cuz I was on top during conception". The surd says,
> "Uh-oh! I'm going to have a puppy!"
>
> Did you here about the surd that stayed up all night to see
> where the sun went ? It finally dawned on here.
>
> A surd was driving down the highway to Disneyland when he saw
> a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute,
> he said to himself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.
>
> On his way home the same surd drove past another sign that said
> "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time he drove eight miles,
> he had cleaned 43 restrooms.
>
> Three surds are attempting to change a light bulb. One of
> them decides to call 911:
> Surd: We need help. We're three surds changing
> a light bulb.
> Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
> Surd: Yes.
> Operator: The power in the house in on?
> Surd: Of course.
> Operator: And the switch is on?
> Surd: Yes, yes.
> Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
> Surd: No, it's working fine.
> Operator: Then what's the problem?
> Surd: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and
> we all fell and hurt ourselves.
>
> Did you hear what the surd who was opening a new bar said when his
> lawyer explained to his that he needed a liquor license?
>
> "Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!"
>
> There was a surd driving down the road listening to the radio.
> The announcer was telling surd joke after surd joke until the surd
> was mad enough he turned his radio off. A mile down the road, he saw
> another surd out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The surd stopped
> his car jumped out and yelled, "You bimbo, it's surds like you that
> give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you
> what's coming to you!"
>
--
______________________________________________________
/\ \
\_| Aaron P. D'Souza dsouza@fuwutai.att.com |
| 44 Center Grove Road AT&T Bell Laboratories |
| Apt. # B-46 Room #: WH-14C-368 |
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| New Jersey 07869 Whippany, New Jersey 07981 |
| Tel: (201) 366-2416 Tel: (201) 386-6462 |
| ___________________________________________________|__
\/_____________________________________________________/

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 6 Feb 1995 20:12:05 JST
From: mike mcmurray <DSMMN2@JPNKIT.BITNET>
Subject: making love<adult theme>

Q: What are the three words you don't want to hear while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home!"

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 6 Feb 1995 07:51:13 -0500
From: Jay Harman <jharman@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: Bananas (off. to nuns)

Two nuns walk into a grocery store and see bananas on sale 3 for a
quarter. The first nun says, "Well, we can always eat one!"

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 6 Feb 1995 13:17:16 -0500
From: Paul Robinson <paul@TDR.COM>
Subject: Suggested Punishments

From: Paul Robinson <paul@tdr.com>
Organization: Tansin A. Darcos & Company, Silver Spring, MD USA
----
Recently, I was doing some maintenance on the Humor List and accidentally
I sent three commands to the list instead of the LISTSERV. This violated
two important rules of Humor: All postings must contain humor and a
maximum of one message a day is permitted.

Here are the suggestions I received to atone for my mistakes:
----
I think you were on the right track at the beginning.
Since there were three you need to convert to Judiasm, Including the
circumcision. Then you need to convert to catholicism, including at
least 4 years of Catholic school. Followed by a vow of celibacy and
becomming a priest.

That should take care of it.
----
I propose that you be chained to your chair in front of the computer for 8
hours with a disabled delete key and a full 8 hours worth of lightbulb joke
reposts!
----
You should be forced to really "read" all submittals to the list, correcting
spelling, grammar, and punctuation prior to sending out the daily digest. I
believe this would be punishment enough for anyone.

I also have a suggestion regarding all those folks who submit the repeats of
repeats, etc. They should be dropped from the contributor's list for a
length of time corresponding to the estimated age of the repeated joke they
submitted. This would, of course, be a further punishment for you, as you
would have to actually keep track of what jokes you include in the list. Not
an easy task, I would guess.

As for boiling in oil or being put on "the rack," nice work if you can get
it . . .

----
And here is probably the funniest one I saw:

Your punishment is to be Timothy Abicht's date for a week.

----
The following Automatic Fortune Cookie was selected only for this message:

Today's Horoscope:

Scorpio - You are dishonest and untrustworthy. You will probably end up
shooting people from a bell tower.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 6 Feb 1995 11:20:25 -0800
From: Kim-An Lieberman <miette@U.WASHINGTON.EDU>
Subject: More viola bashing <off. to strings>

What's the difference between a viola and a violin?
- Who cares? You'll never be able to light my trombone on fire.

What's the difference between a viola and a violin?
In a battle, the viola player would win. He can hit harder.

What's the difference between a viola and a violin?
Communication with different animals: one croaks, the other squeaks.

and, finally, from my father the ethnomusicologist:
A viola holds more beer.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 6 Feb 1995 14:14:31 EST
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Monkeys <adult themes>

A woman was visiting the zoo and wandered into the monkey house.
Looking at an empty cage, she asked the zoo keeper where the monkeys
were. He explained it was the mating season and they were all inside
their house having sex. She asked if they would come out if she threw
some peanuts in the cage. He answered, "I don't know, lady...would
you?"

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 6 Feb 1995 18:03:40 -0500
From: William Robinson <bill@TDR.COM>
Subject: Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet - Feb 3 1995

Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet - What the nation is talking about
{Entertainment Weekly} Feb 3, 1995

1. {Brad Pitt} He's been named the sexiest man alive. Does that
mean there's a "sexiest man deceased" honor?
2. {Keanu Reeves} He's playing Hamlet on stage in Canada. Not only
is the money bubkes, he didn't even get script approval.
3. {Jimmy Carter} He's written a book of poetry. I think that I
shall never see/A poem as lovely as a goober pea.
4. {Death and the Maiden} Roman Polanski's latest film. Too bad it
got an "R" rating. That means he can't bring a date.
5. {Newt Gingrich} He says women aren't biologically equipped to sit
in a ditch for 30 days. I'd pay to see him do it.
6. {The O.J. Trial} I hate to be a pest, but can you tape it for me?
7. {Traci Lords} The former porn star moves into Melrose Place. And
to think a guidance counselor probably said it would hurt her career.
8. {Mirabel Baez} Doctors say she will be the first woman ever to be
impregnated with a dead man's sperm. That's not what some women
tell me.
9. {The Golden Globe Awards} Not quite as glamorous as the Academy
Awards - you can show up in a fur and no one spits on you.
10. {Raising the Minimum Wage} Why? The working poor will just
waste it on things like food and rent.
11. {Sundance Film Festival} None of that slick, overpackaged
Hollywood multiplex fluff here. Let's leave.
12. {Gray Wolves in Yellowstone} Ranchers fear that they'll kill
kill cattle for food. If they kill them for money, that's fine.
13. {The Girl Scouts} They're selling a low-fat cookie. They taste
great - with bacon.
14. {The Super Bowl} I won. I put money on the commercials.
15. {The Peso} Clinton wants $40 billion in loans to prop it up. The
Mexicans say they'll even send over a few million people to come
get it.

Copyright Entertaimnent Weekly, Inc. 1995

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 6 Feb 1995 21:00:21 -0500
From: Matt Loach <LOAC9687@SPLAVA.CC.PLATTSBURGH.EDU>
Subject: Re: viola bashing <may be harmful to musicians>

Since we're into a musical theme, I thought I'd add this note. It's a bit
brassy, but it may strike a chord with the violinists; it may also snare a
crescendo of applause from the percussionists.

I don't remember the exact details (such as who made the quote, or when
it was made), but this came from a radio broadcast intended to explain things
of a musical nature for children.

The speaker said (roughly), "Whenever you hit something with something
else, you're playing a percussion instrument. So, if you hit a violin with
a saxaphone, you're playing a percussion instrument."

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------------------------------

Date: Mon, 6 Feb 1995 20:12:00 0400
From: Jeff Guinzburg <jeff@ISI.NOVIX.NS.CA>
Subject: More Put-downs <Off. disenfranchised, their mothers>

Your mama's teeth are so gapped, she picks them with a baseball bat

Your mama's teeth are so big, she flosses them with a jump rope

Your mama's so nasty, when she takes off her panties it sounds like Velcro

Your mama's so nasty, I called her on the phone and got an ear infection

Your mama's neck's so wrinkled, she could grate cheese

Your mama's breath is so bad, whenever she opens her mouth she's talkin'
shit

Your mama's drawers are so smelly, she uses Odor-Eaters for panty shields

Your mama's so hairy, you can sell her as a Chia pet

Your daddy's so short, you can use him as a bouncer for a roach motel

Origin: These are more from dlg (dlg@merkle.baaqmd.gov), entitled "NOT MY
MAMA". They came via the Infinite Joke List (jokes@infinite.ihub.com -
email library@infinite.ihub.com with subject "INDEX" without quotes for
info on subscribing).

Best Regards, Jeff.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 6 Feb 1995 19:07:10 EST
From: Edwards <edwards@IITM.IITM.ERNET.IN>
Subject: Humor from India: The Hon. Rev. 2-Stroke

The following bit of humor (no jokes) was written by KVK Murthy
in a recent issue of Bangalore (India) This Fortnight. To under-
stand the humor, note that an "auto" is an auto-rickshaw--a three
wheel vehicle which serves the taxi to the less than wealthy of
India. Drivers are the bain of my existence--they like to charge me
two or three times the established rate. There are some allusions
to British humour as well.

The Hon. Rev. Two-Stroke

Rude auto drivers. Cussed auto drivers. Perverse auto drivers.
Yes, we've heard all that before. But an evangelist auto driver.\
Yes, a sort of home-grown Billy Graham on wheels.

It happened the other day on my way to work. After flagging
down the meter, he pulled out this sheet of printed paper &,
proffering it to me, asked me in chaste English if I would mind
reading it. Ever the glutton for the printed word, I accepted
to tract (for such it was), and even as I did so the driver
said "The Word is more Precious than Gold!" I could almost see
the capitals in the air.

The tract itself was the usual fire-and-brimstone rhetoric
that is typical of all such literature, but it made me think.
Surely the Lord above is not as severly humourless as these
latter-day prophets would have us believe? To me, a God devoid
of humour, a God without a twinkle in his divine eye is as
inconceivable as Bertie Wooster taking holy orders, or Jeeves
lapsing into music-hall stuff. And I am sure He is not.

For, how else do you explain the colossal cosmic joke that is
Creation? KVK Murthy Hdedonistic & erudite, KVK has no
trouble quoting Chapter & Verse

Bill -- absentee listowner -- for anyone who tried writing me
recently, sorry that my mail bounced. My IIT computer guru
has now fixed my account so I can send and receive mail at
<edwards@iitm.ernet.in>. It is case sensitive, only lowercases.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 5 Feb 1995 to 6 Feb 1995
**********************************************