Topics of the day:
1. Deteriorata
2. COLLECTABLES (part two)
3. Continuing Education
4. Story about Neely Dunn
5. Having a bad day? <adult themes>
6. masturbation
7. In case of fire (fwd)
8. A Politically Correct Lexicon
9. submission
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Date: Fri, 5 May 1995 13:43:14 EST
From: "Sankey, Dave" <dsankey@MAIL.HQ.FAA.GOV>
Subject: Deteriorata
This is in response to a request a few days ago. Sorry it took so long; I had
to get registered as a contributor.
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from the National Lampoon record album "Radio Dinner". Reproduced without
permission.
Introduction...
You are a fluke
Of the universe.
You have no right to be here.....
Deteriorata! Deteriorata!
Go placidly
Amid the noise and waste.
And remember what comfort there may be
In owning a piece thereof.
Avoid quiet and passive persons
Unless you are in need of sleep.
Ro-tate your tires.
Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself
And heed well their advice,
Even though they be turkeys.
Know what to kiss.....and when!
Consider that two wrongs never make a right
But that THREE.........do.
Wherever possible, put people on hold.
Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment
And despite the changing fortunes of time,
There is always a big future in computer main-te-nance.
Chorus
You are a fluke
Of the universe.
You have no right to be here.
And whether you can hear it or not
The universe Is laughing behind your back.
Remember the Pueblo.
Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle and mu-ti-late.
Know yourself.
If you need help, call the FBI.
Exercise caution in your daily affairs,
Especially with those persons closest to you.
That lemon on your left, for instance.
Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls
Would scarcely get your feet wet.
Fall not in love therefore;
It will stick to your face.
Gracefully surrender the things of youth:
The birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan
And let not the sands of time
Get in your lunch.
Hire people with hooks.
For a good time call 606-4311;
Ask for "Candy."
Take heart amid the deepening gloom
That your dog is finally getting enough cheese.
And reflect that whatever misfortune may be your lot
It could only be worse in Milwaukee.
Chorus
You are a fluke
Of the universe.
You have no right to be here.
And whether you can hear it or not
The universe Is laughing behind your back.
Therefore, make peace with your god
Whatever you conceive him to be---
Hairy thunderer, or cosmic muffin.
With all its hopes, dreams, promises and urban renewal
The world continues to deteriorate.
GIVE UP!
Reprise
You are a fluke
Of the universe.
You have no right to be here.
And whether you can hear it or not
The universe Is laughing behind your back.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 6 May 1995 08:05:52 -0500
From: "March L. Warn" <mwarn01@MAIL.COIN.MISSOURI.EDU>
Subject: COLLECTABLES (part two)
I am still looking for the following HARD TO FIND COLLECTABLES
27) LaLeche League baby bottles
28) Planned Parenthood "Just Say No" buttons
29) Southern Baptist Convention dance cards
30) Amish remote control garage door openers
31) NAACP lawn jockies
32) Marvin Gay's recording of "Oh, My Papa"
33) ASPCA spurs
34) Tickets to the Annual Hillel Ham Supper
35) The Cliff Notes edition of the Koran
36) A catalog from the Saudi Arabian Victoria's Secret outlet
37) A copy of Karen Carpenter's book "Dieting Made Easy"
38) An official "Office of the Mayor of Washington, D.C."
crack pipe
39) Mia Farrow's membership card in the Woody Allen Fan Club
40) Greenpeace brand canned dophin meat
41) Official "Rodney King Model" police billy clubs
42) Tickets to the Jewish Anti-Defamation League's production
of "The Merchant of Venice"
43) A copy of "The Map to the Hollywood Stars' Homes" with
margin notes by Heidi Fleis
44) A hamburger wrapper from the New Delhi McDonalds outlet
45) A copy of the film "Exodis" with Arabic subtitles
46) Tickets to the new production of "Annie", starring Newt
Gingrich as Mr. Bumbles.
47) A copy of the Beatle's song, "Listen, do you want to
hear a secret?" sung by Mrs. Gingrich
48) A copy of the "Jane Fonga's Special Forces Work Out" video
49) Leona Helmsly's "Boss of the Year" award
50) Official National Righti-To-Life coathangers
51) Tickets to the annual Pinto Owners' Bonfire and Weenie Roast
52) "American Psychiatric Association National Congress"
souvineer can of mixed nuts
53) (contributed by Gwen Eckman) Smokey the Bear souvineer BIC
lighters
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 6 May 1995 10:15:03 EDT
From: Brian McInturff <turf@GELAC.LASC.LOCKHEED.COM>
Subject: Continuing Education
Sally Struthers says,
"Applications are now being accepted for the classes listed below.
Call now. Operators are standing by. Call 1-800-WHINE."
ES-1 Tapdance Your Way to Social Ridicule
100 A Looter's Guide to American Cities
101B Self-Actualization Through Macrame
101C Needlecraft for Junkies
101D Cuticle Crafts
101E Gifts for the Senile
101F Bonsai Your Pet
101G New and Unusual Nose Hair Braids
101H Cultivating Viruses in Your Refrigerator
102 Sinus Drainage at Home
103 Basic Kitchen Taxidermy
104 "I made $100 in Real Estate"
104B Money Can Make You Rich
104C Career Opportunities in El Salvador
104D The Underachiever's Guide to Very Small Business Opportunities
104E Tax Shelters for the Indigent
105 How to Profit from Your Own Body
121E Hog Wrestling (practicals in Hiram)
123 How to Do It and Not Go Blind
153D Franklin's Key to Kite Flying
156C Creative Cursing
163A Becumming a Speling Expurt
200 Creative Suffering
200B Overcoming Peace of Mind
203B Creative Tooth Decay
204 The Joys of Hypochondria
205 High Fiber Sex
206 Suicide and Your Health
207 Understanding Nudity
208 Skate Yourself to Regularity
209 Optional Body Functions
233 Creative House Wrecking
247 Raising Rosy Boas for Fun and Profit
307 Molding Your Child's Behavior Through Guilt and Fear
307B Packaging and Selling Your Child
309 Dealing With Post-Realization Depression
310 Ego Gratification Through Violence
311 Whine Your Way to Alienation
312 Other Things to do with Your Toothbrush
313 How to Overcome Self-Doubt Through Pretense and Ostentation
314 You and Your Birthmark
315 Guilt Without Sex
316 1000 Other Uses for Vacuum Cleaners
318 The Primal Shrug
404 The Repair and Maintenance of Your Virginity
405 Transcendental Meditation and the Art of RV Repair
406 How to Convert Your Den Into a Garage
407 Burglarproof Your Home with Concrete
408 How to Convert a Wheelchair into a Dune Buggy
415 You Too Can Write Symphonic Punk Country Disco Metal Music
499A Knit Your Way to Happiness
499B Advanced Yodeling
499C How to Speak Karate (and 5 Other Languages)
499D Creative Bathtub Sculptures
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 6 May 1995 11:20:09 -0400
From: Larry Scott <scott@BUFFNET.NET>
Subject: Story about Neely Dunn
There was this man who was about to go on a trip to England. The day
before he left he asked his next-door neighbor, Mrs. Dunn, if she
wanted anything from England. 'Yes', she said. 'Could you please find
my son Neely. He's been gone 10 years and has not written or phoned
me. Ever! I write to him but he never replies. I try to phone him but
he never seems to be in. Anyway, here's his address.' And on a back
of a handy envelope she scribbled:
Neely Dunn
WC1
London, England.
The next day, the man embarked on his journey. The plane landed at
Heathrow. He got off the plane and was walking down the corridor when
he saw a sign saying 'WC'. He entered the room, and saw that it was a
washroom. He proceeded to the first toilet stall, knocked on the door
and said:
- 'Are you Neely Dunn?'
- 'Yes, but I ran out of paper', came the reply.
- 'Well, that's no excuse not to write your mother!!'
Originally from Dave Coble
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 6 May 1995 11:48:42 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Having a bad day? <adult themes>
You know its a bad day when:
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
Your spouse wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
Your twin forgets your birthday.
You wake up to discover your waterbed sprung a leak and you don't have
a waterbed.
Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business.
Your horn gets stuck while you're following a group of Hell's Angels on
the freeway.
You turn on the TV news and they're showing emergency routes out of the
city.
Lyle's Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 6 May 1995 12:30:03 -0400
From: Jack Tanner <Fatjac@AOL.COM>
Subject: masturbation
There are three good things about masturbation:
1: You don't have to dress up.
2: There's no competition.
3: You're with the one you love most.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 6 May 1995 17:18:48 -0400
From: "Aditya, The Hindu Skeptic" <a018967t@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: In case of fire (fwd)
This is from another list.
*************************************************************************
During a recent ecumenical gathering, a secretary rushed in shouting,
"The building is on fire!"
The METHODISTS gathered in a corner and prayed.
The BAPTISTS cried, "Where is the water?"
The CHURCH OF CHRIST called a meeting to determine if fire was scriptural.
The QUAKERS silently praised God for the blessings that fire brings.
The LUTHERANS nailed a notice on the door declaring that the fire was
evil.
The ROMAN CATHOLICS passed the plate to cover the damage.
THE CONGREGATIONALISTS shouted, "Every man for himself!"
The FUNDAMENTALISTS proclaimed, "It's the vengeance of God! Darn, it looks
like it's a post-trib rapture."
The EPISCOPALIANS formed a procession and walked out.
The CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS concluded that there was no fire.
The PRESBYTERIANS formed a committee and appointed a chair person to look
into the matter and submit a written report in two years.
The UNITARIANS called the fire department.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 6 May 1995 17:33:30 -0400
From: Gwen Eckman <fool@CHOPIN.UDEL.EDU>
Subject: A Politically Correct Lexicon
***Political Correct Terms***
Dirty Old Man: Sexually focused chronologically gifted individual.
Perverted: Sexually dysfunctional.
Panhandler: Unaffiliated applicant for private-sector funding.
Serial-Killer: Person with difficult-to-meet needs.
Lazy: Motivationally deficient.
Fat: Horizontally challenged.
Fail: Acheive a deficiency.
Dishonest: Ethically disoriented.
Bald: Follicularly challenged.
Clumsy: Uniquely coordinated.
Body Odor: Nondiscretionary fragrance.
Alive: Temporarily metabolically abled.
Worst: Least best.
Wrong: Differently logical.
Ugly: Cosmetically different.
Unemployed: Involuntarily leisured.
Short: Vertically challanged.
Dead: Living impaired.
Vagrant: Nonspecifically destinationed individual.
Spendthrift: Negative saver.
Stoned: Chemically inconvenienced.
Pregnant: Parasitically opressed.
Ignorant: Knowledge-based nonpossessor.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 6 May 1995 23:06:14 EDT
From: Ann Dellarocco <anndell@RDZ.STJOHNS.EDU>
Subject: submission
DATE: May 6, 1995
FROM: Ann Dellarocco (anndell@rdz.stjohns.edu)
SUBJECT: zebras and heaven (off. to blacks)
A zebra died and went to heaven. He asked St. Michael.
Am I a zebra with white stripes, or a zebra with black stripes.
St. Michael said, "Ask St. Peter."
The zebra said to St. Peter: "Am I a zebra with white stripes,
or a zebra with black stripes?"
St. Peter said: "I do not know. Ask God."
The zebra said: "Am I a zebra with white stripes, or a zebra
with black stripes?"
God answered: "You are what you are."
The zebra went back to St. Peter and said: "He told me, `You are
what you are.'"
St. Peter said: "If you are a zebra with white stripes, you are
what you are. If you are a zebra with black stripes, you is what
you is."
____________________________________________________________
--
Ann Dellarocco
Internet: anndell@rdz.stjohns.edu
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End of HUMOR Digest - 5 May 1995 to 6 May 1995
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