Topics of the day:

1. Re[2]: airline acronyms (fwd)
2. Contemporary Political Rhetoric
3. Courtroom bloopers
4. Life 7.5 - humor gathered long ago
5. more violin bashing (sexual innuendo)
6. Farmer Joke <slightly profane>
7. Taglines.. {Part 2 of A BUNCH}
8. FWD: TOP TEN LIST - Mon 2/6/95
9. Sexual innuendo...

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Date: Tue, 7 Feb 1995 10:34:30 +0200
From: Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject: Re[2]: airline acronyms (fwd)

On Sun, 5 Feb 1995, Jeevarathnam, Brijesh wrote:

Here are some more airline acronyms:

> SABENA(Belgium)-- Such A Bad Experience,Never Again
> PIA(Pakistan) -- Please Inform Allah
> AI( India) -- Already Informed

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 7 Feb 1995 09:47:34 -0500
From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Contemporary Political Rhetoric

OUR STORY SO FAR:

A member of the US Congress recently caused quite a stir when he
referred to The Honerable Barney Frank --an openly gay
Congressperson-- as Barney Fag. Was this a mere slip of the lip,
a deeply Freudian parapraxis or a subtle political strategem?

Another question that arises is: What would you get if you
crossed the genes of Speaker of The House Newt Gingrich with
those of Barney Frank?

That's right, you'd get a fag-newton.

And, that's the way the cookie crumbles.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 7 Feb 1995 14:49:28 GMT
From: Your old mate <MA93PC@CCS.EDGE-HILL-COLLEGE.AC.UK>
Subject: Courtroom bloopers

These were forwarded to me by a subscriber to the Future Culture list.
They are extracts from Mary Louise Gilman's two books of courtroom
bloopers "Humor in the Court" and "More Humor in the Court". More
will follow tomorrow.

*******************************
Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't
remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness
chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake,
tell them your first name!
*******************************
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
*******************************
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
*******************************
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
*******************************
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
*******************************
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
*******************************
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
*******************************
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children
by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
*******************************
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
*******************************
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.
*******************************
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead
people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
*******************************
Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
*******************************
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under
the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate
his words.
*******************************
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can
identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
*******************************
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
*******************************
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all
present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
*******************************
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
*******************************
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and
were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her
not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you
and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and
shot.
*******************************
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.?
What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 7 Feb 1995 07:50:51 -0800
From: Henry Cate <cate3@NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Life 7.5 - humor gathered long ago

Date: 19 Feb 91 10:07:44 PST (Tuesday)

----------------------------------------------------

Did you hear that they are making a new movie in Russia?
The name of it is "Hunt for Bread in October".

My feeling is that, while we should have
the deepest respect for reality, we should
not let it control our lives.

From: slambo@clemente.ucr.edu (sean lamb)
My boss spent three years in Australia and told me about their trans.
company. It turns out that when something is forgotten out in the sticks (far
away from civilization) someone has to drive back to a phone to call the dis-
patcher to send someone out with the forgotten object. Well, on one of these
trips, the first truck left all the shovels at the base and had to call back
for them. On the phone the driver asked the dispatcher "What are the men going
to do until they get here?" To which the dispatcher replied "I guess they'll
just have to lean on eac other instead."

Milli Vanilli could have become the first group to win the Grammy for
Most Promising New Group *2* consecutive years.

IBM and DEC decided to have a boat race, on the Thames, following the
famous Oxford vs Cambridge course.
Both teams practiced hard, and came the big day, they were as ready as
they could be.
IBM won by a mile.
Afterwards, the DEC team were very downhearted, and a decision was made
that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a working
party was set up to investigate and report.
Well, they had everybody on the working party, Sales, Systems Engineering,
Marketing, Customer Education, Field Service, the whole lot, and after 3
months they came up with the answer, and the working party co-ordinator
gave his summary presentation.
"The problem was", he said, "that IBM had 8 people rowing and 1 steering,
whereas we had 1 person rowing and 8 steering."
The working party was then asked to go away and come up with a plan to
prevent a recurrence the following year, for DEC's pride had been damaged,
and another defeat was not wanted.
Two months later, the working party had worked out a plan, and the
coordinator gave his (customarily brief) summary --
"The guy rowing has just *got* to work harder!"

--
Henry Cate III <cate3@netcom.com>
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
"The Greatest Management Principle in the World" by Michael LeBoeuf:
The things that get rewarded, get done.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 7 Feb 1995 11:35:56 -0500
From: Kevin Roth <rothkp@BGNET.BGSU.EDU>
Subject: more violin bashing (sexual innuendo)

Well, I thought of an original one. Actually I play both violin and viola,
but I can't think of anything good to say about them that's funny...

What's the difference between a violin and a trombone?
- A trombone spends all of it's time going in and out, whereas a violin just
rubs itself all day.

>What's the difference between a viola and a violin?
>- Who cares? You'll never be able to light my trombone on fire.
Yeah? Well, trombones melt pretty quick...

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 7 Feb 1995 12:20:40 EST
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Farmer Joke <slightly profane>

A farmer's crops failed, his wife left him for another man, his
children were all gay, his dog was his worst enemy, fire destoryed his
house, his tractor overturned , he was trapped under it and could smell
raw gasoline and heard some loose wires sparking. In despair he
turned his eyes Heavenward and and said, "Oh Lord...why me?" A
gigantic voice roared down from Heaven and said, "Something about you
just pisses me off!" An "oldie" but a "goodie".

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 7 Feb 1995 14:21:50 E
From: Charlie Hill <hill@MARYWOOD1.MARYWOOD.EDU>
Subject: Taglines.. {Part 2 of A BUNCH}

"The Canonical List of Taglines"

Maintained by Jascha Franklin-Hodge
joeshmoe@world.std.com

"It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs"

"Keyboard? How quaint!" - Scotty

"Luke... Luke... Use the MOUSE, Luke" - Obi Wan Gates

"Please return stewardess to original upright position"

"Stupid" is a boundless concept.

"Suicide Hotline...please hold."

"The faster you go, the shorter you are" - Einstein

"The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated." - Mark Twain

"The sun ain't yellow, its chicken." -Bob Dylan

"There are lies, damned lies, and statistics." -Mark Twain

"There's someone in my head, but its not me." -Pink Floyd

"To err is human, to forgive....$5.00"

"Ummm, Trouble with grammar have I! Yes!" -Yoda-

"Vote for Perot" - Bumper sticker attached with Velcro

"We are on an irreversable trend towards more feedom and democracy - but that
could change" -D. Quayle

"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"-Steven Wright

"You cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of
the shore."

To receive an updated copy of this list:

via EMAIL:
Send email to joeshmoe@world.std.com
put the text "send taglines.txt" in the SUBJECT HEADER
an automatic mailer will respond
via FTP:
This list is available from ftp.std.com, in the directory
/pub/joeshmoe/humor/taglines.txt

To make an addition to the list:
Send email to joeshmoe@world.std.com
put the text "add taglines.txt" in the SUBJECT HEADER
put the tagline(s) you wish to add in the message body.
please DO NOT put any additional information in the message
you will be sent a confirmation message by the automailer

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 7 Feb 1995 14:45:52 EST
From: JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH2.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: FWD: TOP TEN LIST - Mon 2/6/95

Hadn't seen it in awhile and since I didn't have any new jokes I thought
I'd pass this on.
JS

On 7 Feb 1995 at 13:22, Brett Warthen (BRETT@INFINITE) wrote:

FORWARDED MESSAGE from Sue Trowbridge (TROW@SMTP {trow@charm.net}) at
2/7/95 12:35a

> From New York: A bloody good city, matey ... it's THE TOP TEN
LIST for Monday, February 6, 1995. And now, available in seven
fruity flavors ... David Letterman!

> From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ...

TOP TEN SIGNS THAT IT'S TOO DAMN COLD

10. People buying hot roasted chestnuts to put in their pants

9. Dan and Connie doing the news huddled together in a sleeping bag

8. Mob corpses seen skidding across the East River

7. Times Square strip clubs advertising "Live Heavily-Dressed
Girls!"

6. Mario Cuomo making a fortune shoveling walks

5. Vendors selling down-filled hot dogs

4. This morning, Triple-A had to jumpstart Andrew Giuliani

3. People coming into Ed Sullivan Theater just to get warm

2. Instead of the finger, New Yorkers giving each other the mitten

1. Cabbies wearing flannel turbans

[Music: "She's So Cold" by the Rolling Stones]

Compiled by Sue Trowbridge

----------------------------------------
LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN
11:35 p.m. ET/PT (10:35 CT/MT)
on the CBS Television Network
----------------------------------------

On Tuesday's show, Dave welcomes

... Actor/talk show host CHARLES GRODIN
... Musical group CRASH TEST DUMMIES

Brought to you by Yoyodyne Entertainment, where the future begins
tomorrow. For details on our online games, send email to
yoyo@sgp.com.

The Top Ten List is Copyright (C) 1995 Worldwide Pants, Incorporated.
Used with permission.
***** NOTES from Brett Warthen (BRETT @ INFINITE) at 2/7/95 1:21p

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 7 Feb 1995 16:17:35 -0500
From: "Bob Hawkey - Don`t worry - Be Happy! };^>" <kcdhawk@KODAK.COM>
Subject: Sexual innuendo...

I met a young lady in a local bar the other night who told me what her greatest
fantasy was. To sit on Pinochio's face, and make him tell lies!

What a gal!

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 6 Feb 1995 to 7 Feb 1995
**********************************************