Topics of the day:
1. Bastard Operator From Hell Part 7 of 14 >Nastiness, Cruelty<
2. <HUMOR> Jewish and Irish jokes
3. Signs Technology Has Taken Over (1 of 3)
4. Today's (6 Jan 1995) dumb robber story
5. Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet for January 13 1995
6. 3 Old Irish Jokes
7. Which generation are you?
8. More tech supp. (slightly off.)
9. Pro Wrestling, Part 2 (off to Hulk Hogan?)
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Date: Sat, 7 Jan 1995 01:05:23 -0500
From: Timothy Abicht <ERIOND@AOL.COM>
Subject: Bastard Operator From Hell Part 7 of 14 >Nastiness, Cruelty<
Written by: Simon Paul Travaglia, Computer Services, University of
Waikato Hamilton, New Zealand. spt@grace.waikato.ac.nz
BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #7
So I manage AT LONG LAST, to get a couple of hours off for lunch, AND,
because I can't leave my desk unattended, I get the janitor in and have him
sit in my chair. I tell him that all he has to do is make sure the receiver
doesn't accidentally get put back on the hook. He agrees and I'm off.
First stop, the bank. I change a $50 note into quarters and then ask to
see a balance of my account. Then I yank the power lead out of the teller's
vdu. It dies. I say I'm in a hurry and is the manager around?
He rolls over like a man-sized twinkie and asks what the problem is. I
say that all I want is a balance of my accounts. I cross my fingers. YES! He
finds the vdu lead out, plugs it in, and logs in, TO THE MANAGER'S ACCOUNT.
Now's my chance - I slip up against the counter, slopping 200 coins across
the counter. The manager ignores it, but all the tellers dive for the money.
I watch, unobserved, as the manager types in his password at the breakneck
speed of one character a minute. At that rate I should've got $100 worth...
He finishes typing. "MONEY". What a toughy! Well, that's my mortgage taken
care of tonight...
A user that I recognise from "D(eletion) day '89" approaches. I think
he's going to talk to me. Even the bank manager is shaking his head
furiously. But it's too late, he stops.
"Um, excuse me, Could you tell me what is the best computer to buy to do
my thesis on?
?!
Right.
"You've heard of Commodore 64's?" I ask
"Yes?.."
"Avoid them like the plague! Not many people know this, but computers
aren't made to handle that much memory - it's over 64,000 things, more in
some cases. It's a recipe for disaster!"
"Oh!"
"Try something safe and proven. A ZX81 with dual cassette drive if you
can get it. The 1K ram model. Write that down. Don't buy a disk drive - You
know how they're always failing, but music cassettes last forever!"
"Hey thanks!"
"No worries. What was your username again?"
He tells me. Just in time for D-Day 92. You'd think they'd learn.
I get back to work and the janitor's asleep at the terminal. I ask him
if he wants to work here too, but he likes the ability to bust in on people
when they're in the toilet...
I put the phone back on the hook, and straight away it rings. I hate it
when it does that, it takes me AGES to get my walkman phones in.
It's the hottest hosemonster I've ever met, and she's got a computer
problem! I love it when that happens!
"What's your username?" I ask
She tells me (as if I didn't know)
Quick as I can I read all her e-mail (mostly boring stuff), then grep
everyone else's mail files for her username. Nothing. Excellent!
"What's the problem?" I ask, all smiles and charm.
"I can't save my documents, it says something about space."
"Not a problem for long" I say, and delete everyone else on the same
disk as her. "You should be fine now."
"Thank you so much" she gushes.
I make a mental note to do something to her account again tomorrow. "No
worries."
The phone rings almost before I've got it on the hook.
"My files are all gone!" a voice whines out at me.
"When did this happen?" I ask.
"Just now..." he says, through the tears
"I see. Well, I wouldn't worry, there's three days till the end of the
semester, if you work day and night until then, you should get at least a C-"
He sobs a couple more times then hangs up. What a wimp.
THE PHONE RINGS AGAIN!
"The screen on my PC is really dim" The woman at the other end says
"Should I wind the brightness knob up?"
"NO!" I scream "Don't touch that knob! Have you any idea of the
radiation that comes out of that thing when the knob gets wound up?!!!!"
"Well I..." she says, all uncertain
"TAKE MY ADVICE!" I say "There's only ONE way to fix a dim display, and
that's by power surging the drivers"
The words "power surging" and "drivers" have got her. People hear words
like that and go into dummy mode and do ANYTHING you say. I could tell her
to run naked across campus with a powercord rammed up her backside and she'd
probably do it... Hmmm...
"Have you got a spare power cord?"
"No.."
"Oh well, never mind, we'll have to do the power surge idea... Ok,
quick as you can, I want you to flick the power switch of your PC on and off
30 times"
"Should I take my disks out?"
"NO! Do you want to lose all your data!?!"
"Oh. No! Ok.."
I listen carefully.. ..
...clicky..clikcy...clikky.. .. .. ...clicky. ...cliccy.. . . BOOM!
Amazing, it probably made it to 27 - the power supply usually shits
itself at 15 or so...
"MY COMPUTER BLEW UP!!!" she screams at me down the line
"Really? Must've been a dodgy power supply! Lucky we found out now!
Is your machine still under warranty?"
"NO!"
"Dear oh dear. Well, Best get it repaired then. Did you backup your
files?"
"Yes, to the system, Yesterday, but all this morning's work is gone!"
"Oh dear. What was your username, I'll just check that your backups
worked ok?"
She tells me....
--
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 7 Jan 1995 16:15:00 GMT+0800
From: "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)" <MROBERT@OLIV1.OLI.HK>
Subject: <HUMOR> Jewish and Irish jokes
Three jokes from a radio jazz programme:
Two Irishmen, Paddy and Sean, decide to take up duck hunting. They go out and
buy the best bird-dog available and go out into the countryside. After four
hours they've seen lots of ducks, but haven't managed to kill one.
"Sean, we must be doing something wrong", says Paddy.
"You're right", replies Sean, "Perhaps we should try and throw the dog higher!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----
The son of a very strict Jew comes to his father and tells him that he's fallen
in love and wants to get married.
"I'm delighted for you, son, and what's her name?" replied the father.
"Janet Smith." replied the son.
"I'm sorry son, but I couldn't permit you to marry someone with that name."
And so the son had to stop his relationship with the girl.
A few months later the son comes to his father again to tell him that he'd
found another girl that he wanted to marry.
"That's great news, son. I'm very pleased for you. And what's her name?" asked
the father.
"Mary O'Reilly, father."
"I'm sorry son, but again there's no way that I could let you marry a girl with
that name."
Six months later the son approaches his father to tell him of his desire to
marry another young lady with whom he is deeply in love.
"Excellent news son. I'm sure you'll be very happy. Now what's her name?"
"Goldberg, father."
"Why that's a great name, son. I'd be delighted to see you married to someone
with that name. Now what's her first name?"
"Whoopi!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young Jewish couple had come to a crisis in their Jewish belief and they
decided that they could no longer continue in that faith. They approached the
young man's father, who was a strict Jew with a very limited outlook.
"Father," said the young man, "we can no longer remain Jewish. We have lost our
faith!"
Astonished the father replied, "But you must have some religious faith. What
will you become?"
"Christian Scientists, father.", replied the son.
Relieved the father said, "Well then, why don't you just become Jewish
Scientists?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mike R
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 7 Jan 1995 10:06:55 -0500
From: Jennifer Schmidt <JenSch@AOL.COM>
Subject: Signs Technology Has Taken Over (1 of 3)
Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life
(Part 1 of 3)
1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address
book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two
on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across
the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In
essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you
write *is* letterhead.
2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at
least one device on your body beep or buzz.
3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you
can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only
computers with laser printers.
4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you
forget to send your father a birthday card.
5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.
6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a
salesperson talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him
and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers'
questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his
head.
7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation
without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.
8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say
the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you
mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have
to explain it.
9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up
your own social security number.
10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice
number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house
are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.
-- Joe Mullich, AmericanWay Magazine, 11/15/94
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 7 Jan 1995 12:11:55 -0600
From: Ian Chai <chai@UIUC.EDU>
Subject: Today's (6 Jan 1995) dumb robber story
Raymond Cuthbert walked into Nolan's Pharmacy in Vernon, BC, on
Thursday evening and boasted that he was returning in half an hour to
rob them.
True enough, about 30 minutes later, he returned with Robert Phimister
carrying a concealed hunting knife... into the waiting hands of the
Mounties! whom the drug store employees had called after his boast.
Mountie Hugh Menzies said, "I don't know why he did it; he's well known
to the local police."
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 7 Jan 1995 14:18:46 -0500
From: William Robinson <BILL@TDR.COM>
Subject: Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet for January 13 1995
Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet - What The Country is Talking About This Week
{Entertainment Weekly} Jan 13, 1995
1. {1995} Kids born in 1977 are old enough to vote. That should scare
you more than any movie you'll see this year.
2. {Why cats paint} So people who can't read will buy books like this.
3. {Nell} Jodie Foster plays a barefoot woman raised in the wilderness
who can barely talk. Who says there are no good parts for women.
4. {Diana in Vail} Where does she find the time?
5. {Delta Burke} She's back on TV as a member of Congress. Quite a
drop from playing a loudmouthed, brain-dead decorator.
6. {Pentium Chips} What's big the fuss?
7. {Legends of the Fall} Three brothers love one woman on a Montana
ranch. If their names are Adam, Hoss and Little Joe, I've seen it
already.
8. {Publisher's Clearing House} How fishy will this look if Newt Gingrich
wins?
9. {Konbucha Mushroom Tea} The newest new age fad to cure your ills.
Of course, if the crystals and pyramids had worked, you wouldn't
need it.
10. {The 104th Congress} Run by conservatives who think government is
too intrusive. Except when it comes to TV, Baseball, sex and prayer.
Then it should butt in.
11. {Richie Rich} How are the people stupid enough to pay Macaulay
Culkin millions smart enough to get the money?
12. {Chechnya} Hasn't anyone in Russia seen pictures of this place?
It's like fighting over who gets to live in the town dump.
13. {La Toya Jackson and Mike Tyson} She says she'd like to marry him
before the end of '95. It's sad when women have better luck at a
prison than a singles' bar.
14. {Houseguest} Sinbad moves in with a family to escape mob killers.
Why we don't call extra space 'the guest room'.
15. {Cybil Sheperd} On her TV show she plays a minor star trying to
stretch out a lackluster career. Gee, who'd believe that?
Copyright Entertainment Weekly, Inc. 1995
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 7 Jan 1995 18:50:03 EST
From: KEITH E SULLIVAN <DNWU64A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: 3 Old Irish Jokes
In the good old days in Dublin when the Irish were fighting for
independence, one doughty son of Erin went to his confessor and told
him he had just mowed down two British lieutenants. Hearing no
response he announced in a louder voice that he also done away with a
British captain. Still there was no comment from the priest, so the
frustrated Irishman shouted, "Father, have ye fainted?"
"Fainted I haven't," the confessor finally replied, "I'm waiting for
you to stop talking politics and commence confessing your sins."
An Irish maid named Katie Flanagan was asked by the head of the house,
Jerry Moriarity tells us, to put a nude statue on a pedestal in the
front hall. "Faith, sir, and who is the ondacent spalpeen?" demanded
Katie. "He's a famous Greek god named Apollo," she was told. "He is,
is he," concluded the unimpressed Katie. "And what's a murdering Greek
with no clothes on his back doing with a fine old Irish name like
O'Polly?"
A Dublier named Flanagan was rash enough to attack Clarence Clancy
while four other Clancy brothers were within firing range. Result:
one Clancy was sitting on Flanagan's chest, another was punching him on
the nose, a third was belaboring him with a barrel stave, and a fourth
was whacking the soles of his feet with a baseball bat. When all the
lads were hauled into court the judge looked at the fifth Clancy
brother and asked sarcastically, "And what were you doing while all
this fighting was going on?" "Me?" answered the fifth Clancy
virtuously. "I was just circling around, your honor, looking for a
vacancy."
From Bennett Cerf's _The Sound of Laughter_, Copyright 1970.
Reprinted without permission.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 7 Jan 1995 22:23:13 -0500
From: "Greg V." <NYGreg@AOL.COM>
Subject: Which generation are you?
I found this in the Gannett Suburban Newspaper.
If you answer mostly A, you're a pre-boomer.
If you answer mostly B, you're a Baby-Boomer.
If you answer mostly C, you're in Generation X.
If you answer mostly D, you're in Generation Y.
(It was too long to post everything.)
3) Music should be...
A - Melodic and romantic.
B - Annoying to your parents.
C - Annoying to your parents.
D - Annoying to your parents.
4) Sex is for...
A - Married couples who want to start families.
B - Anybody who wants to start a party.
C - Latex-clad partners in a labratory setting.
D - Watching on TV.
9) The American Dream is...
A - A house with a two-car garage.
B - A healthy family.
C - Winning the lottery.
D - Touring with Metallica.
11) A good meal would be...
A - Meat and potatoes.
B - Vegetarian macrobiotic.
C - From a drive-up window.
D - Microwaveable.
13) I learned to drive behind the wheel of a...
A - '53 Packard.
B - '61 VW.
C - '78 Pinto.
D - Sega.
15) The "man"...
A - Cary Grant.
B - Paul McCartney.
C - Eddie Vedder.
D - Bart Simpson.
16) Lost idol...
A - James Dean.
B - Jim Morrison.
C - Kurt Cobain.
D - Mario Bros.
17) My generation's most unhealthy habit...
A - Smoking.
B - Smoking pot.
C - Smoking crack.
D - Moshing.
22) Life-changing novel...
A - Catcher in the Rye.
B - Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.
C - Bright Lights Big City.
D - TV Guide.
24) Celebrity my generation would rather not claim...
A - Joe McCarthy.
B - Barry Manilow.
C - Vanilla Ice.
D - Barney.
27) My after-college plans...
A - Work hard to help build a strong America.
B - Take my pick of many job oportunities.
C - Take my pick of many low-paying temp services.
D - Would you like fries with that?
28) My generation's most annoying fad is...
A - Nuclear testing.
B - Hula hoops.
C - Body piercing.
D - Unemployment.
30) My generation's biggest fear is...
A - Heart disease.
B - Getting older.
C - Collection agencies.
D - Things that suck.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 7 Jan 1995 22:28:37 -0500
From: Will Pierce <Piercew@AOL.COM>
Subject: More tech supp. (slightly off.)
OK, this is my LAST POST IN THE TECH SUPPORT SERIES UNLESS I GET REQUESTS FOR
MORE.
I get into the office early today so I can lay off 30% of the production
staff and set the release dates for everything a couple months earlier.
I find, with no surprise, that the switchboards are lit up, each little
luminescent dot representing a poor, helpless, clueless customer. I take the
first call. "Hello, this is, uh, hmm. Sorry, I seem to have forgotten what
department this is." "Tech support/CS?" "Oh, yeah." "I was writing some
really important legal documents on one of your word processors, and my
entire system crashed. I lost all my files." "Look, sir, I'm in the middle of
a really urgent game of Super Android Flying Slime Leech From Hell, would you
mind calling back later?" I quickly scan the game for large-breasted women,
and with some very interesting results. I have an idea. "Sir, we have your
files here. Your CPU sent them via modem. It's a new feature we have. Could
you please tell me the name of the files." He tells me. "And are these files
completed?" "Yes." "I'll print them and give them to whoever you want." He
tells me who to give them to. Amazing. "OK, thanks for calling. Bye." <CLICK>
I print GIFs of the aforementioned women, and give them to his boss. Next
call. "Hello, this is Billy-Ray's Hotline Fer Gay Folks, how may I help you?"
<BANG> I like to do that at least once a day. Next call. "SUX CPUs and
software TS/CS."
"Who the hell regulates you people?" "Well, that depends. Billy-Joe's in
charge of programming, Joe-John-Clem-Jehad's in charge of production, and
Zeb's in charge of beta testing." "Do these people's names give any hint to
what they're like?" "Yep." "I'll report you to the authorities! I'll sue your
asses for all you're worth! I'll.." "Bye now." <CLICK>
Still taking requests, and will not continue posting tech support guy unless
I get more.
----Will Pierce
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 7 Jan 1995 22:43:47 -500
From: Sameer Doshi <pdoshi@OEONLINE.COM>
Subject: Pro Wrestling, Part 2 (off to Hulk Hogan?)
Part 2 of 2 of:
You Know You're Watching Too Much Pro Wrestling When:
...you shake hands with someone, and you have the urge to twist his arm and
give him a short clothesline.
...you and your friends leave the local movie house after the final show
of the night they're pulling steel mesh across the front, and you immediately
jump behind the mesh and start doing a Randy Savage "steel cage" interview.
...you automatically associate a wrestler with a theme song in popular music.
...you see Martina Navratilova losing a tennis match and wonder when Pam
Shriver is going to run in and "make the save."
...you shout commentary like "OHHHH-whatamaneuver!" during a chess match.
...you can't climb into bed without executing a flying elbow drop on
your pillow.
...you expect a ring announcer to declare the winner of elections.
...you can't throw a punch without simultaneously kicking the ground with
the flat of your foot.
...you go to a judo tournament and start calling real techniques by their
pro-wrestling nicknames: "So he tapped out when I locked on the Payne Killer
...uhhh, I mean, a Wakigatame..." *blush*
...you try to find `Parts Unknown' on a map.
...you think how cool life would be if your theme music played every time you
entered a room.
...you scout the NCAA wrestling meets looking for the next "Hogan."
...you spend a million dollars trying to get "The Wrestling Channel" off
the ground.
...you can count to three in languages you know no other words in.
...you have a "shooting" reputation in thumb-wrestling.
...As the hockey teams give each other the handshakes, you imagine one of the
players teasing a handshake, only to give a short-arm clothesline to the
opposing player.
...during a hockey fight, you expect to see one of the coaches hand his guy
brass knucks.
...you powerslam luggage into the trunk of your car.
...you refer to other people in your group project as your "tag
team partners."
...you run into an acquaintance and instead of shaking hands, you try to
do a "test of strength." (Then you kick him in the abdomen.)
...you look up where Slim Jims fit into the four food groups.
...your high school girlfriend got really pissed when you introduced her
to all your male friends at your prom as your "valet."
...your date no shows and the next time you see her, you turn heel on her and
put her face through a window.
...you refuse to be on the bottom during sex for fear of your partner laying
the three-count on you.
--
***Sameer Doshi*** | "Hey Steve, just because you broke into Xerox's
PDOSHI@OEONLINE.COM | store before I did and took the TV doesn't
"stud" on IRC | mean I can't go in later and steal the stereo."
| -- Bill Gates, Microsoft, 3/14/89
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 6 Jan 1995 to 7 Jan 1995
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