Topics of the day:
1. More town names <may be off.> 2. Camping (offensive, homosexual) 3. Ride to Croydon (slightly sexual) 4. Humor: Russian and American hells <rude words> 5. HUMOR: News of the Weird [383] (3 of 3) 6. Deteriorata 7. Apollo 13 humor 8. Made the broad jump? <adult themes> 9. humor: cheating wife 10. family feud (slightly poor taste) 11. NEA 12. Life 8.F
Date: Tue, 11 Jul 1995 01:06:54 -0400 From: Clare Haney <MizzDarla@AOL.COM> Subject: More town names <may be off.>
Since I posted the list of unusual town names the other day I've gotten LOTS of replies with other town names (one, particular).. so here they are and my apologies to any I forgot
From Cam: Lizard Lick, NC From dAmico: Coxsackie, NY Climax, NY Surprise, NY and from almost everybody! :) : Intercourse, PA
Date: Tue, 11 Jul 1995 00:44:28 -0600 From: "Wade H. Nelson" <wadenelson@FRONTIER.NET> Subject: Camping (offensive, homosexual)
This is a joke you've got to tell or pull on a male friend with a crowd of other males gathered around. Say to your best friend Bob:
Bob, tell me this. Say you were to go camping with your best friend in the whole world. You guys go out in the middle of nowhere, set up camp, go fishing awhile, cook dinner, and then proceed to get bored. So you decide to hike into the nearest town for a beer or two.
Well, next thing you know, BOB, its 2 am and time to go home. You're drunk as skunks. There were a couple of attractive women at the bar dancing with you guys, so you're both horney, but they both dissapeared about ten minutes ago with the two lumberjacks.
So anyway, you and your best friend are all drunk, and frustrated. Anyway, you stumble back to your tent and fall asleep.
The next thing you know BOB its morning, you've got a splitting headache, and even worse, your butt is all sticky and hurts like hell. Your best friend is lying there behind you with his dick hanging out of his sleeping bag.
Bob, if that happened to you, would you TELL anyone?
A1) (Guaranteed) No. "Saaaaaaay, Bob, would you like to go camping?"
WADE H. NELSON wadenelson@frontier.net (preferred) AND wadenelson@aol.com 420 1/2 East Fifth Avenue _ _ _ ~o Durango, Colorado 81301-5615 __ __ _ \_i> 970-259-1494 _ ___(*)/'(*)_________
Date: Tue, 11 Jul 1995 02:51:16 E From: Charlie Hill <hill@MARYWOOD1.MARYWOOD.EDU> Subject: Ride to Croydon (slightly sexual)
One day a successful businessman decides he's spending too much time working, and not enough time enjoying himself or getting to meet women (Microsoft employee perchance?). So, being the decisive chap that he is, he actually logs off early one evening, parks his car up for the night and goes to a fairly exclusive club.
Sitting at the bar scoping the joint out, he notices a very attractive woman who seems to be on her own, so he asks her if she'd like to dance, which she accepts. One thing leads to another, so after dancing, drinking and laughing the night away, they end up back at her place where the real fun began (from this point, you need to use your imagination, so if you can't imagine a good time under these circimstances ladies, then call me ! Please????), and all conversation stopped as the lights were lowered, soft music caressed the mood, love was in the air and sex was in bed, and the kitchen, and on the balcony, and ...
4.30am arrives, and remembering he had a business meeting at 9.30am, he bids his fond farewells and begins making his way home. Still dressed in his expensive suit, he gets caught in a heavy downpour of rain, so hails the first taxi can he sees.
The taxi driver stops and our man in question leans down to speak to the cabbie, "How much is it from here to Croydon?" he asks innocently. "$85 quid" answers the cabbie.
The man checked his wallet, only to discover he is $20 shy of the full fare. "I'll tell you what", he tries, "It's cold and wet, and the chances of you getting another fare at this time of the morning is remote, so why don't you drive me home and I'll give you the $65 I have on me. Would that be okay?".
The cabbie scowled menacingly and snarles, "I said it's $85 quid, so either you've got the money or you can piss off".
The man is quite rightly offended by the cabbies attitude, but since he looks like he cuts his toenails with a buzzsaw, he decided he'd have to walk home through the rain, but all along the way he was seething. Arriving home, he has a hot shower and gets one hours sleep before having to get up again and go to work, slightly disheveled, but still committed to work.
A week passes, and the incident is almost forgotten about, as our executive finishes securing a deal with an important client, checks out of his hotel and walks out to the lobby to get a taxi back to the office. Outside the hotel, there are three taxi's waiting for customers, and our man see's the obnoxious git who left him 'High & Wet' the week before, sitting in the third taxi along. Knowing the man was a walking bunch of muscles, he knew his revenge would need to be one of tactful inventiveness, so walking to the first cab, he asks,
"How much from here to Croydon driver?". "$85 quid gouverner", was the quick reply. "Okay" agrees our man, "But I'll tell you what. You take me to
Croydon, but I'll pay you $200 pounds if you give me a blow job when we get there".
The driver of the first cab is inflamed at the suggestion and threatens to get out of the cab and smash his face in, so the man offers his reassurances that it was only a suggestion, and moves along to the second cab.
"How much from here to Croydon driver?".
"$85 quid gov", was the reply.
Making cabbie two the same offer as number one, he was met with a barrage of verbal abuse, and told where to go, so offering more calming apologies he moves along to the Neanderthal from the previous week, and is pleased when he isn't recognised.
"How much from here to Croydon driver?" he asks once again
"$85 quid" our barbaric friend states flatly
"Okay" states our man, and jumps into the back of the cab.
As the cab pulls slowly into the main stream of traffic, our man leans forward and licking his lips, casts a contented look at the other two drivers and gives them a big thumbs up !!
(get it?)
Date: Tue, 11 Jul 1995 06:43:45 EDT From: Bill <EDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU> Subject: Humor: Russian and American hells <rude words>
A Russian and an American died and went to hell. Satan told them that they each had the choice of spending eternity in American hell or Russian hell.
"What's the difference?" they both asked
"In American hell," the devil explained, "you must one shovel of shit per day. "In the Russian hell, you must eat two shovels of shit per day."
With that the American opted for American hell, but the Russian headed for Russian hell. Many years later, the two met by chance. "My friend ," the American said, "you made a poor choice. I eat my shovel of shit in the morning and do what I want to do the rest of the day."
"No, comrade, It is you who made a poor choice," the Russian said. "half of the time in Russian hell there's no shovel, and the other half of the time there's no shit."
Date: Tue, 11 Jul 1995 09:34:00 +0400 From: Jeff Guinzburg <jeff@ISI.NOVIX.NS.CA> Subject: HUMOR: News of the Weird [383] (3 of 3)
WEIRDNUZ.383 (News of the Weird, June 9, 1995) (Part 3 of 3) by Chuck Shepherd
NOT WHAT THEY HAD IN MIND (Continued)
* In February, federal prison inmate Rodney Curtis Hamrick, 29, was charged with threatening the life of President Clinton from behind bars. Hamrick was originally imprisoned in the mid- 1980s, with a modest sentence, for writing bad checks. Since then, for expressing his dissatisfaction about his trial, he has had about 50 years added to his sentence for threatening President Reagan, the judge who sentenced him, and his prosecutors, and building five small fire bombs while in prison and mailing two of them to the prosecutors. [Belleville (Ill.) News-Democrat, 2-15- 95]
* In January, the city of San Francisco halted its plans to change the name of Army Street to Cesar Chavez Street, in honor of the late labor organizer. The city had budgeted $20,000 for replacing the street signs, but state officials said the cost would be almost $1 million because the longer name would necessitate bigger signs on the intersecting interstate highway, which would require larger beams to support them and more lights to illuminate them. [Standard Democrat (Sikeston, Mo.)-AP, 1-25- 95]
* Two janitors at a Ceres, Calif., school were hospitalized in April and 16 pupils injured in a failed scheme by the janitors to kill a gopher by pouring a gum- and wax-removing compound on him. One of the janitors lit a cigarette, causing an explosion. And in New Orleans's French Quarter in March, an apartment explosion injured two people when a woman set out six cans of aerosol insecticide (one can is the recommended capacity), which were ignited by the flame on the water heater. [Merced Sun-Star, 4-4-95; Times-Picayune, 3-14-95]
I DON'T THINK SO
* In April, Stephen Gordon, 37, was sentenced to almost six years in prison in Denver, Colo., for stalking a woman. According to his lawyer, Gordon's contacts with the 27-year-old victim were just coincidences. Gordon had pursued the woman first in Scottsdale, Ariz., where he was discovered hiding underneath her car (looking for a bird's nest, he said); when she moved to Denver in 1993, Gordon moved there, too, and eventually moved into her apartment complex, where he was discovered in the crawl space underneath her apartment after allegedly boring holes into the woman's bathroom (trying to trace a mysterious noise, he said). [Arizona Republic-SHNS, 3-14-95]
Origin: Posted in one piece to Humor Mailing List <humor-l@cornell.edu> by its owner Christopher Kline <ckline@TC.Cornell.EDU> on Sat, 1 Jul 1995 01:58:04 -0400 (EDT). Copyright 1995, Universal Press Syndicate. All rights reserved. Released for the entertainment of readers. No commercial use may be made of the material or of the name News of the Weird. Split to comply with HUMOR's rules.
Date: Tue, 11 Jul 1995 10:15:49 -0500 From: James Thorson <jthorson@CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU> Subject: Deteriorata
* You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here. * Go placidly among the noise and waste and remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. * Avoid quiet and passive persons unless you are in need of sleep. * Rotate your tires. * Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself, and heed well their advice, even though they be turkeys. * Know what to kiss and when. * Consider that two wrongs never make a right, but that three do. * Whenever possible, put people on hold. * Be comforted in the face of all aridity and disillusionment and despite the changing fortunes of time, there is always a big future in computer maintenance. * You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here. Whether you hear it or not, the universe is laughing behind your back. * Remember the Pueblo. * Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle, and mutilate. * Know yourself. * If you need help, call the FBI. * Exercise caution in your daily affairs, especially with those persons closest to you: that lemon on your left, for instance. * Be assured that a walk through the ocean of souls would scarcely get your feet wet. * Fall in love, therefore; it will not stick to your face. * Gracefully surrender the things of youth: birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan. * And let not the sands of time get in your lunch. * Hire people with looks. * For a good time, call 606-4311. * Ask for Candy. * Take heart in the deepening gloom, that your dog is getting enough cheese. * And reflect that whatever fortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Milwaukee. * Therefore, make peace with your god, whatever you conceive him to be: Hairy thunderer, or cosmic muffin. * With all its hopes, dreams, promises, and urban renewal, the world continues to deteriorate. * Give up... You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here. Whether you can hear it or not, the universe is laughing behind your back.
The source I have says this was printed in a 1976 issue of The Wittenberg Door, and is especially dedicated to those who think that the "Dessiderata" is profound. I recall hearing it sung, also, on the short- lived National Lampoon radio program.
*************************************************************************** Jim Thorson A nose by any other name could smell a Swede. ***************************************************************************
Date: Tue, 11 Jul 1995 10:43:10 -0500 From: Andrew Wagner <afwagner@STUDENTS.WISC.EDU> Subject: Apollo 13 humor
from the HOCKEY-L list on someone's signature...
"There is a moment early in 'Apollo 13' when astronaut Jim Lovell is taking some press on a tour of the Kennedy Space Center, and he brags that they have a computer 'that fits in one room and can send out millions of instructions.' And I'm thinking to myself that I'm writing this review on a better computer than the one that got us to the moon."
Date: Tue, 11 Jul 1995 11:34:58 EDT From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM> Subject: Made the broad jump? <adult themes>
Did you hear the one about the virile young man expelled from a nudist colony? He was accused of low leaping while playing leapfrog with the other colony members. Lyle's Joke Boutique.
Date: Tue, 11 Jul 1995 20:02:00 EET From: Nico van der Vyver <nico@AZTEC.CO.ZA> Subject: humor: cheating wife
Gary matched Dan drink for drink, trying to get him to talk about what was troubling him. Gentle prodding was ignored until finally, after downing the sixth, Dan blurted out, "OK, it's your wife." "My wife?" his friend demanded. "What about my wife?" "I think she's cheating on us."
Nico van der Vyver __________________________________________________________________________ I've run out of sick leave, so I'm calling in dead
Date: Tue, 11 Jul 1995 11:27:45 -0800 From: "DNA: The splice of life" <masmith@CARIBOO.BC.CA> Subject: family feud (slightly poor taste)
Although my girlfriend disavows all credit, she was the inspiration for the following list of families that we'll probably never see on that icon of americana: Family Feud
The Simpsons The Browns The Tates The Manson Family The Bernardos The Homolkas (*requisite Canadian content:)) The Clintons The Gringrichs The Kennedys The Oswalds
Send me any others you might think of and I'll post a compendium.
ciao fer now Mike
Date: Tue, 11 Jul 1995 16:11:27 EDT From: Brian McInturff <turf@GELAC.LASC.LOCKHEED.COM> Subject: NEA
Q: Why is the Honorable Jesse Helms quite upset with the N.E.A. ?
A: He heard that some hooker in L.A. got a Hugh Grant.
Date: Tue, 11 Jul 1995 18:06:10 -0700 From: Henry Cate <cate3@NETCOM.COM> Subject: Life 8.F
Date: 21 Jul 92 16:35:32 PDT (Tuesday)
The following are selections I've saved from a mailing list run by: bostic@okeeffe.cs.berkeley.edu (Keith Bostic)
Cellular car phones can be dangerous as a British Columbia man has learned. Merv Turchak was stopped at an intersection talking on his car phone when his pick-up truck was rear-ended. The receiver slammed into Turchak's head, leaving him with whiplash. Then he began suffering shoulder pain and said he couldN'T drive and properly fulfill his job as a salesman. A judge agreed and ordered the Inusrance Corporation of British Columbia to pay him more than 200-thousand dollars in damages. Turchak said one of the first symptoms he suffered after being slammed by the cellular phone was a ringing in the ears.
From: meo@ibminet.awdpa.ibm.com (Miles ONeal) Subject: Medal of Technology People can rant and rave all they want about Quayle, but it's Bush who has apparently sustained a high-speed blowout in one or more of his frontal lobes. Yesterday, President George Herbert Walker Bush presented a Medal of Technology to one William Gates, CEO of the that awesome monument to the depressing, berserk side of capitalism, MicroSoft. Note that this was NOT a Medal of Financial Prestidigitation. This was a Medal of Technology, normally offered to people who have made a major positive impact in areas of technology, forwarding the state of the art. MicroSoft, on the other hand, bears primary responsibility for setting back the computer industry at least 7 centuries. If Gates were British, would he have been knighted for singlehandedly resurrecting the concept of caveat emptor? If he were French, perhaps he would be given a Royal Order of Something for raising the image of Geekdom to a level of respectability nearly on par with that of the Romantic. In any event, it is fairly mind-boggling (or would be, if politicians weren't involved) that Bush would use the phrase, "pig in a poke" in reference to Perot's plan to use networks to give the public access to the government, while giving high recognition to the company foisting off a County Fair Grand Prize Winning Pig in a Poke on the majority of the US public. One can only speculate on this in light of other recent events. Perhaps Bush is, in reality, NOT an ex-CIA mole inserted into the office of President of the United States, but a KGB mole inserted into the CIA, and thence to his current office. With the Soviet universe in terminal disarray, it would be a major coup to be sure that the United States was headed in the same direction.
From: "Patrick Ryan" <p.ryan@uws.edu.au> "Honour thy father" does not mean repeat his mistakes.
End of HUMOR Digest - 10 Jul 1995 to 11 Jul 1995 ************************************************