Topics of the day:
1. Celebration (sexual, gay) 2. Humor: An expensive fishing trip 3. Humor: More from Aregula 4. men/women <1 bad-but-appropriate word> 5. humor : porno marriage 6. Curiosity (sexist, adult theme) 7. quote on government 8. O.J. thought, wife-abuse (insensitive) 9. 5 more unlikely kids' books <gross> 10. A hole in one? <adult themes> 11. for dedicated golfers
Date: Wed, 12 Jul 1995 00:00:42 -0600 From: "Wade H. Nelson" <wadenelson@FRONTIER.NET> Subject: Celebration (sexual, gay)
A young man walks into a bar and asks the keep to set up five shots of Jack Daniels for him. "What are you celebrating" the keep asks, despite the young man's glum face.
"My First Blowjob" he answers
"Well then" says the keep. Let me buy you a sixth! On the House!
"Naaah" says the young man. "If five won't get the taste outta my mouth, six won't either"
WADE H. NELSON wadenelson@frontier.net (preferred) AND wadenelson@aol.com 420 1/2 East Fifth Avenue _ _ _ ~o Durango, Colorado 81301-5615 __ __ _ \_i> 970-259-1494 _ ___(*)/'(*)_________
Date: Wed, 12 Jul 1995 07:19:54 EDT From: Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU> Subject: Humor: An expensive fishing trip
Two Ohio guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the Michigan woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they are driving home they are really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"
The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!
Date: Wed, 12 Jul 1995 04:23:07 -0700 From: MachuPicchu <star1357@IX.NETCOM.COM> Subject: Humor: More from Aregula
> SIGNS THAT TECHNOLOGY HAS TAKEN OVER YOUR LIFE:
Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on- line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* etterhead.
You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house
You disdain people who use low baud rates.
When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers
You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.
You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.
You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.
You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.
You back up your data every day.
Your wife asks you to pick up some notepads for her at the store and you return with a newfangled mousepad.
You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.
The thought that CD could refer to investment finance or music rarely enters your mind.
You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. However, you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.
You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.
You own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are.
You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.
You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.
You email this message to your friends over the net. You'd never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face. Bye, See-Ya, Peace.
Date: Wed, 12 Jul 1995 07:59:17 EST From: Vickie Arwginski <PUBREL@VUNET.VINU.EDU> Subject: men/women <1 bad-but-appropriate word>
A woman buys a new car. As she's getting ready to drive away, she notices the radio doesn't have any buttons so she asks the dealer how it works. The dealer says, "It's one of those new automatic radios. You just say what type of music you want to hear and it automatically picks a station."
The woman thought that was cool and drives away. As she's driving, she says "Country" and a Garth Brooks song comes on the radio. A little later she says "Rock" and a Van Halen song comes on. Just then a car cuts right in front of her and she shouts "Asshole!"
BOOM - Howard Stern comes on the radio!
Date: Wed, 12 Jul 1995 15:11:00 EET From: Nico van der Vyver <nico@AZTEC.CO.ZA> Subject: humor : porno marriage
Why is marriage like a tornado? It starts with a lot of sucking and blowing, and when it's over you've lost your house.
Nico
Date: Wed, 12 Jul 1995 10:13:56 -0500 From: "Richard T. Linton" <rtlinton@FACSTAFF.WISC.EDU> Subject: Curiosity (sexist, adult theme)
A man, traveling by plane, was in urgent need of using the men's room. Each time he tried the door, it was occupied. The stewardess, aware of his predicament, suggested that he use the ladies room, but cautioned him against pressing any of the buttons. The buttons were marked, "WW", "WA", "PP", and "ATR".
The man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.
He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately, warm water sprayed over his entire bottom. He thought, "Golly, the gals really have it made." Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and warm air dried his bottom quickly. He thought this was out of this world. The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which powdered his bottom lightly with powder. Well, naturally, he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".
When he woke up on the hospital, he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "WHAT HAPPENED? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies room aboard a plane." The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the button marked "ATR", which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
____________________________________________________ Richard Linton Ways to reduce stress #8: EPRI HVAC&R Center Fill out your tax form UW-Madison using Roman Numerals (608) 265-3008
Date: Wed, 12 Jul 1995 11:57:22 -0400 From: Tom Lucas <Luke357401@AOL.COM> Subject: quote on government
"Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys" P.J. O'Rourke
Date: Wed, 12 Jul 1995 14:06:15 EST From: FRED OLIVER <FOLIVER@ANSC1.CAG.UCONN.EDU> Subject: O.J. thought, wife-abuse (insensitive)
The following jokes were told to me by friends who wish to remain anonymous.
1) If an ex football star had to brutally murder his wife, why couldn't it have been Frank Gifford??
2) Q. What do all spouses of wife-beaters have in common?
A. The f***ing bitches never listen!!
Date: Wed, 12 Jul 1995 17:26:38 EDT From: "BARNES,LARRY J." <LBARNES@MUSIC.TRANSY.EDU> Subject: 5 more unlikely kids' books <gross>
More unlikely children's books:
Curous George and Mary Jane (60's) Curious George and those funny white lines (80's) The Berenstain Bears behind bars Pappa Bear beats the meat The Little Engine that came
Date: Wed, 12 Jul 1995 16:52:15 EDT From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM> Subject: A hole in one? <adult themes>
A customer sits at the counter in a small restaurant, orders two hamburgers and is shocked to see the cook put a hamburger patty under each of his arms and the proceed to scrape off the grill. "Hey!" the customer yells, "that's not very sanitary!" "That's nothing," the cook says, "you ought to see me when I make donuts." Lyle's Joke Boutique.
Date: Wed, 12 Jul 1995 19:16:06 -0400 From: Jack Tanner <Fatjac@AOL.COM> Subject: for dedicated golfers
I've tried to send this twice before but I guess it never got through. Hope it makes it this time.
Two golfers are talking and one says to the other " Charlie, how long have we been playing together?" The other says " About fifteen years." The fist guy says " Sounds about right. You may have wondered why I never showered with you and the rest of the guys. Well, the reason is that I was born with the genitalia of both sexes. The only reason I bring it up now is that I've finally got my courage up and I've got a date with the doc next week to go in and have my vagina sewed up. His friend says " Don't do that you dummy. Have him cut your balls off. Then you can hit from the ladies tees."
End of HUMOR Digest - 11 Jul 1995 to 12 Jul 1995 ************************************************