Topics of the day:
1. Talking fleas 2. Prison life (sexual, black) 3. HUMOR: Anguished English 4. Zen and the Art of Toilet(May sound offensive to Buddhists) 5. Heaven and hell (pos off to Europeans) 6. Do not taunt happy fun ball 7. Moronic jokes 8. A fortune cookie on Dieting 9. Robbery <profane language> 10. humor : business brief! 11. ID Criminal with no IQ! 12. New Racetrack (suggestive) 13. Offensive to the Iraqi government 14. Life 8.G 15. Humor 7 Dwarfs 16. Silver-tongued orator <offensive language & insensitive> 17. family feud part II: readers contribute 18. Animal House Quiz (Part 1 of 6) 19. In a Perfect World...
Date: Wed, 12 Jul 1995 21:51:00 PDT From: sidney moskowitz <sidney@CTS.COM> Subject: Talking fleas
Two fleas were in a theater. When they came out, it was raining so one said to the other, "Should we walk or take a dog?"
Date: Thu, 13 Jul 1995 00:22:01 -0600 From: "Wade H. Nelson" <wadenelson@FRONTIER.NET> Subject: Prison life (sexual, black)
A nerdy little accountant with glasses gets sent to the pen for Federal income tax evasion and embezzling. They put him in a cell, with a very large, strong, black man.
The black man peers down at the nerd and says "What are you in for?" The accountant replies "Cheating on my taxes and stealing from charity"
The black man says "Well, thats cool by me, but here in this cell, see, we got certain rules. Now one of them rules is each cell has a husband and a wife"
At this point the black man cracks all ten knuckles backwards, and goes and lays down on his bunk, propping his head up on a pillow.
He asks the accountant "Which you gonna be numbers-man, the husband or the wife?"
The accountant replies "Well, sir, I guess the husband"
To which the black prisoner replies, "Well, ok honey, then come over here and give your wife a blowjob"
Date: Thu, 13 Jul 1995 04:10:00 +0400 From: Jeff Guinzburg <jeff@ISI.NOVIX.NS.CA> Subject: HUMOR: Anguished English
Here are a few genuine news bloopers gleaned from American newspapers. These were taken from an article by Richard Lederer, author of "Anguished English".
* On behalf of Barbara Rutledge and her family, our sincere thanks go out to those sending flowers, cards and contributing to the death of her husband.
* The airplane was only a few feet from the ground when it crashed, witnesses said.
* With the exception of victimless crimes (which need not concern us here), every single crime committed in this nation of ours involves a victim.
* A purple lady's bicycle was missing from Serendipity Lane recently.
* Chairman Billings asked Board members to muster support from parent-teacher groups to support the governor's task force on driving while intoxicated.
* He hasn't even had his day in court yet, but Simon Wynne has been kicked off the ESU basketball team after being arrested and accused of driving a parked car while intoxicated.
* Montreal police don't hesitate to use whatever laws, regulations or persuasion they feel they need to control morality in the city and prevent it from getting a foothold.
* A college friendship that began a year ago ended in matrimony yesterday.
Origin: Posted to Humor Mailing List <humor-l@cornell.edu> by its owner Christopher Kline <ckline@TC.Cornell.EDU> on Sat, 8 Jul 1995 19:05:07 -0400 (EDT).
Best Regards, Jeff. [also isint@mcimail.com or via Connect2 tunnel to tunnel%isint@mcimail.com]
Date: Thu, 13 Jul 1995 08:07:11 -0400 From: "Aditya, The Hindu Skeptic" <a018967t@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US> Subject: Zen and the Art of Toilet(May sound offensive to Buddhists)
In last month's thread, "Zen and the Art of Toilet Training," I thought you were all joking about Zen's obsession with toilet-related things. Silly me. I ran across a book: _Crow With No Mouth: Ikkyu, 15th Century Zen Master_, by Stephen Berg (Copper Canyon Press). Ikkyu (1394-1481) was certainly a master of scat verse, I don't know about his Roshi credentials, though. Here are some his 'gems' (ahem):
"my dying teacher could not wipe himself unlike you disciples who use bamboo I cleaned his lovely ass with my bare hands"
Or these immortal lines:
"age eighty weak I shit and offer it to Buddha"
Or:
"that stone Buddha deserves all the birdshit it gets I wave my skinny arms like a tall flower in the wind"
Now, was Ikkyu's a left-handed or right-handed tantric practice?
And in the same mood here is a list toilet words taken from a brochure from the American Standard Co., a huge manufacturer of most bathroom items from a bidet to a towel bar.
The House of Honor The House of Morning The Garderobe The Reredorter The Throne Room The Jane Jake's House The Necessarium The Loo The Hopper Room 100 The Donniker The Cloakroom The Closet of Ease The Boghouse The Little Wranglers' Room The W.C.
A toilet by any other name . . . is still the crapper and you are welcome to mail addendum to the list.
Date: Thu, 13 Jul 1995 08:45:19 -0500 From: "Richard T. Linton" <rtlinton@FACSTAFF.WISC.EDU> Subject: Heaven and hell (pos off to Europeans)
IN HEAVEN The administrators are Swiss The police are British The lovers are Italian The mechanics are German The food is French
IN HELL The administrators are Italian The police are German The lovers are Swiss The mechanics are French and the food is British
____________________________________________________ Richard Linton Ways to reduce stress #8: EPRI HVAC&R Center Fill out your tax form UW-Madison using Roman Numerals (608) 265-3008
Date: Thu, 13 Jul 1995 10:30:06 -0400 From: Gwen Eckman <fool@CHOPIN.UDEL.EDU> Subject: Do not taunt happy fun ball
Happy Fun Ball -only $14.95-
Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly and children under 10 should avoid prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball.
Caution: Happy Fun Ball may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds.
Happy Fun Ball Contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at.
Do not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete.
Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs: *Itching *Vertigo *Dizziness *Tingling in extremities *Loss of balance or coordination *Slurred speech *Temporary Blindness *Profuse sweating *Heart Palpitations
If Happy Fun Ball begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover head.
Happy Fun Ball may stick to certain types of skin.
When not in use, Happy Fun Ball should be returned to its specialcontainer and kept under refrigeration...
Failure to do so relieves the makers of Happy Fun Ball, Wacky Products Incorporated, and its parent company Global Chemical Unlimited, of any and all liability.
Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball include an unknown glowing substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space.
Happy Fun Ball has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is also being dropped by our warplanes on Irag.
Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.
Happy Fun Ball comes with a lifetime guarantee.
Happy Fun Ball ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES
Date: Thu, 13 Jul 1995 07:53:00 PDT From: "Narasimhan, Seshadri" <NARASIS@MTOMP002.ALLIED.COM> Subject: Moronic jokes
Q:Why did the chicken cross the road? A:To get the 'New York Times' - get it? Q:No? A:Go get the 'Daily News' instead!
Q:Why does Eric Clapton not play the guitar with this finger? (Imagine that I am waggling my left fore-finger) A:Because it is my finger, silly.
Q:Why did the moron throw butter outside the window? A:Because he wanted to see a butter-fly.
Q:Why did the moron throw a clock outside the window? A:Because he wanted to see time fly.
Q:Why does the moron hit himself on the head with a hammer? A:Because it feels so good when he stops.
To get the following joke you must know that 'soya' means sleeping in Hindi. Q: What is this (hold up fore-finger vertically)? A: When there is no answer (regardless of the answer) say Bean. Q: What is this (hold up fore-finger horizontally)? A: 'Soya'-bean!
heh, heh, heh
Date: Thu, 13 Jul 1995 10:41:41 -0500 From: Paul Robinson <paul@TDR.COM> Subject: A fortune cookie on Dieting
If you can read this, your mailer probably isn't MIME compliant. You WILL have problems in the future. Especially with broken MIME-Compliant programs like the Pine Mailer from the University of Washington.
From: Paul Robinson <paul@tdr.com> Organization: Tansin A. Darcos & Company, Silver Spring, Humor-Job-Description: Former Junta Leader of the Humor List, now reduced to removing people by executive action for posting MAKE.MONEY.FAST messages. See the movie 'Executive Action' to know what that {Really} means!
I have my Unix shell account which I use to access the Internet automatically display a fortune cookie when I logon, log off, or send a message. The following cookie came up. With all the interest in dieting, I thought this would be humerous, since it tickled my funny bone. (Misspelling intentional) If you're not interested in something to fix your problems that works, ignore my important polemic^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H comments at the bottom.
Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV to plug her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself the following questions:
1: Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a food? 2: Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me? 3: Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as prescribed ... without French-fried onion rings, pizza with double cheese, or the occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living right doesn't really make you live longer, it just *seems* like longer.)
That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick.
Now comes some blatant self-serving polemic, which this is a self-service list, is appropriate, to it, and besides that, I help run the place without getting paid, what is Bill Edwards going to do, fire me and take all unpaid workload back? :) Since I'm not the Junta Leader anymore I can't order you to read this or have you killed, so you are free to read or ignore it.
What I say below is true, correct and accurate, but that doesn't make it any less self-serving if my purpose is to see that people are happier, and since this is a humor list... :)
1. I'd like to note that in January 1995, I was 500+ pounds, since most (zero) of you have ever seen me. 2. Today (July 1995) I'm under 390, without exercise, dieting or changing my eating habits, losing an average of a pound a day at a cost of less then $6 per day. 3. It's not something funny, it's something I take in pill form. Ask me about it or see Page 102 in the {Reader's Digest} for February 1995. 4. No, I don't make any money off it, I'm just happy about this and I'd like other people to try it. 5. The two drugs also 'cure' arthritis, backaches and the {Real} reason I take the pills, manic depression. 6. If you consider the irony that someone with {manic depression} ran a humor list, now you know why I mentioned this true story. 7. If someone had told me this would happen before I started the drugs, I would have dismissed it as a joke, and it sounds so ridiculous as to be unbelievable, that I thought it would be appropriate to put on the humor list with the above fortune cookie!
Date: Thu, 13 Jul 1995 11:37:41 EDT From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM> Subject: Robbery <profane language>
Did you hear about the nervous bank robber who walked into a bank, pulled out a gun an said, "All right you mother-stickers, this is a fuck-up!" Lyle's Joke Boutique.
Date: Thu, 13 Jul 1995 18:03:00 EET From: Nico van der Vyver <nico@AZTEC.CO.ZA> Subject: humor : business brief!
How do you get 20 business men into a mini-van? Promote one and watch the other 19 climb up his ass.
Nico (the retired businessman)
Date: Thu, 13 Jul 1995 13:16:14 -0400 From: Razmus the Innocent <azrael@ACCESS.DIGEX.NET> Subject: ID Criminal with no IQ!
Taken from USA Today Cover Story, July 13, 1995: "Cracking Down on Fake IDs"
Date: Thu, 13 Jul 1995 14:20:33 EST From: FRED OLIVER <FOLIVER@ANSC1.CAG.UCONN.EDU> Subject: New Racetrack (suggestive)
Did you hear that Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding are starting a new racetrack?
Tonya will be doing the handicapping, and Michael will be riding the three year olds.
Date: Thu, 13 Jul 1995 14:17:10 -0500 From: Steve Chastain <chastain@NUTRA.MONSANTO.COM> Subject: Offensive to the Iraqi government
A high ranking official of the Iraqi Government was visiting a weapons manufacturing sight in the United States. Suddenly it turned noon and the whistle blew, and all of the workers started to leave for lunch.
"STOP THEM!!" The Iraqi cried, "They will escape!" "Nonsense" the US manufacturer said, "they will come back when the whistle blows again in one hour."
One hour later the whistle blew again and all of the workers returned from lunch break.
The Iraqi official said, "Screw the weapons! I'm sure our fearless leader Saddam Hussein would pay top dollar for your whistle!"
Date: Thu, 13 Jul 1995 12:23:23 -0700 From: Henry Cate <cate3@NETCOM.COM> Subject: Life 8.G
Date: 30 Jul 92 17:28:14 PDT (Thursday)
From rec.humor
A drunk staggered out of a saloon and bumped into a lampost. "Pardon me sir", he said and staggered down the street. He bumped into a mailbox and said "Pardon me madam". Next he stumbled over a fireplug and said "Pardon me little boy." At that point he sat on the curb and said "I'm going to wait here until this crowd passes."
Did you hear that the South is lobbying the Big 3 auto makers to put the high beam switch back on the floor? Yea, too many "rednecks" were getting their foot caught in the steering wheel!!!!!
What is the definition of an economist? "Someone who loves the numbers but does not have the personality of an accountant..
In the county of Kent, in south-east England, there is a village called Ham, and a town called Sandwich ... and yes, the inevitable sign does exist. At a T-junction, there is a sign which reads: __________________________ <__Ham________|__Sandwich_ > | | | |
Q: What do you get when you play a new-age song backwards? A: A new-age song
My uncle (retired Air Force colonel) recently flew with our national airline. Our air force spends a lot of money to educate pilots, only to see them defect to private airlines, so there's some friction between the air force people and those particular pilots. Anyway, as my uncle boarded the plane he recognised the pilot. In a not too subdued voice he said "Oh, yes, I remember him; we threw him out of the airforce years ago". Later, as the plane was about to take of, a stewardess came up to my uncle (sitting forwards in plane) and said in the loud voice "the pilot said to ask you to move back, we're having trouble getting the plane off the ground" (my uncle being somewhat solid).
[This brings to mind a line in a Tony Hillerman novel: "When Abe Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation, freeing the slaves, he forgot to include graduate students." Ed. ]
A real quote: "No, but they gave one to me anyway."
Hindsight is the only exact science
As an extremely talkative child, I never realized how exhausting my constant chatter must have been for my family until one day at the dentist's office. The dentist informed my mother that, for a 12-year-old, I seemed to have very small teeth. My harried mother replied, "Wind erosion."
All extremists should be taken out and shot.
The world is a tragedy for those who feel, and a comedy for those who think. - Horace Walpole
Two elephants, Harry and Fay Could not kiss with their trunks in the way So they boarded a plane, * They're now kissing in Maine, * 'Cause their trunks got sent to LA.
"In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks."
Comedian James Gregory does a whole routine on this in country-bumkin mode. One of my favorites is above doors on airplanes saying: "Do not open while plane is in flight". This probably means that sometime, somewhere, some guy turned to his wife after dinner and says "Honey, I think I just take a little stroll outside".
From: "Patrick Ryan" <p.ryan@uws.edu.au> "Honour thy father" does not mean repeat his mistakes.
Date: Thu, 13 Jul 1995 14:56:40 -0600 From: "Wade H. Nelson" <wadenelson@FRONTIER.NET> Subject: Humor 7 Dwarfs
> >> >The seven dwarfs were in a Catholic church. They were sitting near >> >the rear and as the priest was speaking, they whispered and giggled >> >amongst themselves, causing quite a disturbance. All of a sudden, >> >Dopey stands up and says, "Priest, are there any midget nuns in the >> >church ?" "No," said the priest, "There are no midget nuns in the >> >church." A little time passed and the dwarfs were again whispering and >> >giggling amongst themselves causing quite a disturbance and noticeably >> >angering the priest. >> > >> >Soon, Dopey stands up again and asks, "Priest, are there any midget >> >nuns in the city?" >> > >> >"No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the city or in the church." >> >says the priest. Again the dwarfs resume their annoying giggling to the >> >dismay of the priest. >> > >> >A slightly agitated Dopey stands up and asks "Priest, are there any midget >> >nuns in the state?" >> > >> >"No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the state, in the city, and no >> >midget nuns in the church." exclaimed the priest, obviously upset. The >> >dwarfs continue their interference. >> > >> >Dopey stands up and demands, "Priest, are there any midget nuns in the >> >country!" >> > >> >The priest, totally angered, exclaims "No, my son, there are no midget >> >nuns in the church, in the city, in the state, no midget nuns in the >> >country, there are no midget nuns in the whole world!!! Now sit >> >down!!!!!" >> > >> >Soon afterwards, a chant can be heard from the rear of the church, >> >"Dopey f-ked a penguin. Dopey f-ked a penguin. Dopey f-ked a >> >penguin." >
Date: Thu, 13 Jul 1995 15:53:20 -0500 From: James Thorson <jthorson@CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU> Subject: Silver-tongued orator <offensive language & insensitive>
These two good-old boys down in Louisiana are fishing in the bayou. They see their friend Jones in a boat out in the middle of the water. Shortly, the boat springs a leak, sinks, and so does Jones. They recall that he doesn't know how to swim. One looks at the other and says, "How we gonna tell the widow?" The other one says, "Never you mind about that! I'm known as the Silver-Tongued Orator in these parts because I'm so smooth, so downright articulate, so polished and sophisticated that I can make bad news sound good. I'll be so delicate, so sensitive, so sympathetic and kind that Jones's wife won't even see this as a tragedy. No, I'll put it to her in such a way as to let her see the positive benefits of this unhappy occurrence. The Silver-Tongued Orator can make bad news sound good." "Okay, bro - go for it." So, the two of them go over to the Jones house, and the Silver-Tongued Orator knocks on the door. Mrs. Jones answers the door. "Ah, tell me, would you be the Widow Jones?" "My name's Mrs. Jones, but I'm not widow." "The fuck you ain't."
*************************************************************************** Jim One nice thing about wearing sandals is that when Thorson you pee on your foot, you know it immediately. ****************************************************************************
Date: Thu, 13 Jul 1995 16:10:40 -0800 From: "DNA: The splice of life" <masmith@CARIBOO.BC.CA> Subject: family feud part II: readers contribute
Thanks to all of you who sent in some great suggestions for other family feud shows we'll probably never see. To the international readers maybe I should mention that the show the show basically has two families competing against one another for who can guess the top 3-7 answers to inane questions given by 100 randomly selected people
Here are some feuds we'll probably never see:
International family feuds
The Windsors vs. The Spencers -submitted by Karen.Coffel The Husseins vs. The Bushs -submitted by RWITH The Yeltsins vs. The Zirynofski's (sp?) The Chretiens vs The Bouchards (*required Canadian content)
On a special week of sports hero's/heroine's
The Chelios' vs. The Bettmans -submitted by RWITH The Steinbrenners vs. The Martins -submitted by RWTIH Jones vs. Johnsons (Dallas Cowboy owner & former coach)-submitted by Luke357401 Davises vs. Allens (Al Davis of LA/Oakland Raiders & Marcus Allen)- ditto The Harding's vs. The Carrigan's (sp?)
Next week: entertainers
The Lenos vs. The Lettermens -submitted by Karen.Coffel The Jacksons vs The Osmonds -submitted by RWITH
Sweeps week
The Buttafucco's vs. The Fisher's -submitted by Wanda Lynch The Cochrans vs. The Clarks -submitted by Luke357401
History week
Hatfields vs. The McCoys -submitted by Karen.Coffel Clantons vs. Earps -submitted by Luke357401 The Descartes's vs The Hobbes's
Families waiting for partners
The Barr's DEAN The Menendez's Schroyer, L. Dale & Ross.Stocks.INSDRS01 Susan Smith's family DEAN The Dahmers Ross.Stocks.INSDRS01
ciao fer now Mike
Date: Thu, 13 Jul 1995 22:08:31 -0400 From: U01PA1D <U01PA1D.MHS251D@CPF-EMH.CPF.NAVY.MIL> Subject: Animal House Quiz (Part 1 of 6)
Form: Memo Text: (94 lines follow) Subject: Animal House Quiz (Part 1 of 6)
I. NICKNAMES Match each character with their nickname from the movie...
1) John Blutarsky A) "Flounder" 2) Eric Stratton B) "Bluto" 3) Donald Shernstein C) No Nickname 4) Larry Kroeger D) "D-Day" 5) Kent Dorfman E) "Pinto" 6) Daniel Simpson Day F) "Boon" 7) Robert Hoover G) "Otter"
II. GENERAL TRIVIA
8) What was Doug Niedermeier's job in Student Court? A) President B) Vice-President C) Sergeant-At-Arms D) Prosecutor
9) Who went with Greg Marmalarde up to "The Point"? A) Mandy B) Babs C) Mandy & Babs together D) First Mandy, then Babs
10) On what holiday do the Delta's fill the trees with underwear? A) Easter B) Halloween C) Memorial Day D) Valentine's Day
11) What is the name of the college in the movie? A) Faber B) Grant C) California State D) Grinnell
12) What does Bluto pour on his chest during the toga party? A) Beer B) Ketchup C) Mustard D) Vaseline
13) Who are the four guys sitting on the Omega's couch at the beginning of the movie? A) Joseph, Lonnie, Gerald, Douglas B) Clayton, Sidney, Douglas, Mohammed C) Sidney, Bruce, Stork, Eric D) Chris, Sidney, Jonathon, Lonnie
14) DDay says, "We have an old saying at Delta...__________." A) "Do unto others as they do unto you." B) "Don't get mad...get even." C) "Sex, drugs, and rock)and)roll." D) "Do unto others before they do unto you."
15) What song do the Delta's sing at the initiation? A) "Gimme Some Lovin'" B) "Shout" C) "Louie, Louie" D) "Money"
III. QUOTES Match each quote with the person who said it...more than one quote can belong to a character...
16) "If you mention extortion again, I'll have your legs broken." 17) "Well, let me tell you the story of another loser." 18) "Well, what the hell we supposed to do, you moron." 19) "I think it's locked or something." 20) "I think this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part."
A) Dean Wormer B) "Otter" C) "Stork" D) "Pinto" E) Carmine DePasto, the mayor
Answers will be posted after part 6!
I hope you do well! Animalistically Yours! Andy Cramer
Use Proportional Font: true
Date: Thu, 13 Jul 1995 22:15:21 EDT From: KEITH E SULLIVAN <DNWU64A@PRODIGY.COM> Subject: In a Perfect World...
I found the following in the most recent issue of the _Reader's Digest_. I've added a couple of my own at the end. Please send any you can think of to "my" email address (dnwu64a@prodigy.com) and I'll compile them for a future posting(s).
IN A PERFECT WORLD...
...a person should feel as good at 50 as he did at 17, and he would actually be as smart at 50 as he thought he was at 17. ...you could give away a baby bed without getting pregnant. ...forget-me-nots would stimulate the memory. ...doing what was good for you would be what you enjoyed doing the most. ...pro baseball players would complain about teachers being paid contracts worth millions of dollars. ...people would always have good reasons to be optimistic. ...you would never fumble, but if you did, you would recover the ball yourself. ...the mail would always be early, the check would always be in the mail, and it would be written for more than you expected. ...potato chips might have calories, but if you ate them with dip, the calories would be neutralized. ...if the guy from the government said to you, "I'm here to help," not only would he mean it, but he would do it. ...first impressions wouldn't count for nearly as much as ultimate performance. ...winning might be a nice thing, but that would be all. ...all people would expect to be accepted. ...every one in a while at least, a kid who always closed the door softly would be told, "Go back and slam the door."
By John Gratton in Drexel, Mo., _Star_ (Reprinted in August 1995 _Reader's Digest_)
...highway patrolmen would never be around when you're running late, but would always be at your side when a BMW blows past or a Mac truck won't get off your bumper. ...the better food tasted, the less calories it would have. ...warranties would be for 13 months and products would fail at 12. ...more would be accomplished by governments when they spent more.
End of HUMOR Digest - 12 Jul 1995 to 13 Jul 1995 ************************************************