Topics of the day:
1. Gay problem 2. Generic college team joke <sexual content, also can be made offensive to anyone you like> 3. Shuttle people (maybe offensive to immigrants) 4. Courtroom joke <adult themes> 5. It's all in the delivery 6. Political humor about Republicans, Conservatives 7. Fun prank 8. humor : Oh no, not another blonde! 9. Unusual marriage (true) 10. Barking up the wrong tree? <adult themes> 11. Robbing a Chinese Restaurant 12. Humor: Sex and Christiamity <off. to Christians> (fwd) 13. Hugh Grant humor <non-offensive> 14. Dwarf joke 15. Animal House Quiz (Part 2 of 6)
Date: Thu, 13 Jul 1995 23:54:31 -0400 From: Larry Scott <scott@BUFFNET.NET> Subject: Gay problem
Two gays got married. A couple of months after the wedding a friend of one of them met him on the street and asked how the marriage was going.
"It's terrible", said the gay, "He beats me up all the time. All he does is beat me."
"Why don't you get divorced," asked the friend.
"We can't. We're Catholics."
Thanks to MERVYN CRIPPS <mervin.cripps@f101.n247.z1.fidonet.org>
Date: Thu, 13 Jul 1995 22:26:05 -0600 From: Mark Pendleton <mpendlet@LIB.NMSU.EDU> Subject: Generic college team joke <sexual content, also can be made offensive to anyone you like>
Question: "Did you hear about the
Date: Fri, 14 Jul 1995 06:10:02 -0400 From: Bo Peng <bo@SAAVIK.CEM.MSU.EDU> Subject: Shuttle people (maybe offensive to immigrants)
> [CND, 7/5/95] For the first time, the U.S. Immigration and Naturalization > Service, after having been prodded by the U.S. State Department, will > officially allow two aliens from space to land in the United States. > It seems that U.S. entry visas for cosmonauts Vladimir Dezurov and Grennady > Strekalov were forgotten before the launch of Mir-18. They were launched > from Kazakstan on March 14 and are scheduled to land either in Florida or > California in early July aboard the Space Shuttle Atlantis (STS-71). The > U.S. State Department has for the first time asked for a waiver for "aliens > from outer space." The INS has agreed not to arrest the cosmonauts for > illegal entry into the United States.
Great. In no time all space stations will be filled with "shuttle people"
Wonder what kind of jobs the Martians will take over. Ozone-layer restoration?
Bo Peng
Date: Fri, 14 Jul 1995 14:04:00 +0100 From: Marek Jedlinski <marekjed@KRYSIA.UNI.LODZ.PL> Subject: Courtroom joke <adult themes>
This is quite old to me. I read it somewhere, can't remember. Might have been some old issue of Playboy.
The old guy was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a wintness. The prosecutor asked: "Did you ever get any cocaine from the defendant?" "No, sir," answered the witness. "Did you ever get any from his wife?" "No, sir." "Did you ever get any from his daughters?" "Excuse me, sir," the witness said, "are we still talking about cocaine?"
Date: Fri, 14 Jul 1995 05:32:00 PDT From: "Narasimhan, Seshadri" <NARASIS@MTOMP002.ALLIED.COM> Subject: It's all in the delivery
A new prisoner, just inducted into the large public jail, joined a group of inmates. He heard one of them say, "665". The inmates smiled. Another one said "27". Some of the inmates started to laugh. A third one said "332". The inmates started to laugh loudly. A fourth one said "221". More laughter. This went on for some time. By now a lot of the inmates were rolling on the floor. The new inductee was puzzled. He nudged the nearest wise-looking old-timer and asked why they were laughing. The old-timer said, "Oh! We are laughing at jokes". The new inductee was still puzzled. The old-timer said, "We have been in this jail for such a long time that we have numbered all of our jokes. Instead of wasting time telling the whole joke, we just say the number." The new inductee was suitably impressed. Not wanting to be left out, he shouted out "235". All the laughter stopped. He said "545". The deafening silence continued. The jail warden came in and broke up the 'meeting' as it was time for lights-out. As they shuffled their way out, the new inductee asked the old-timer what had gone wrong. The old-timer said, "Your jokes were fine. Just that you don't know how to deliver them"!
heh, heh, heh
Date: Fri, 14 Jul 1995 08:35:59 EDT From: Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU> Subject: Political humor about Republicans, Conservatives
You're a right-wing, paranoid wacko, if ...
* You play soldier at least once a month with other boys who are over 30 and over-weight 30+ pounds. * You know who Helen Chenoweth is and you would vote for her. * You believe that the ATF has a secret file about you. * You believe that George Bush was a liberal. * You believe Newt Gingrich has a pleasant enough personality, but that he is too accommodating. * You believe the Federal Government is using black "stealth" helicopters to watchdog freedom loving citizens. * You believe in "county supremacy." * You believe the Russian Red Army at the invitation of the UN now has armed forces stationed in the United States, i.e., Louisiana, Alaska, South Dakota, upper New York state. * You think that the only thing wrong with libertarians is that they want too much government. * You believe home-schooling is superior to public schools. * Your cellar is well stocked with arms, ammunition, and a 12- month supply of foodstuff. * You believe we would solve most of our health care problems if people would use chiropractors, herbalists, and faith-healers. * You believe there is going to be race war in the United States within the next 20 years. * You believe the only reason we can't confirm the existence of UFOs is because of the government conspiracy. * Your idea of religion is sending money to a television minister. * You favorite sports are wrestling & rodeo. * You have demanded that a local store stop selling Playboy and Penthouse. You get your triple X pornography via UPS. * You think environmentists are spoilt rich people who have nothing better to do than destroy the jobs of hardworking folk. * You believe Randy Weaver is a political prisoner. * You think it is time for the John Birch Society to openly take over the Republican Party. * If there was a book of the teachings of David Koresh, you would buy it. * Your kids attend a U.S. Militia Association summer camp. * You smile when you hear a report that someone has attempted to assassinate the President. * You believe government workers, except members of the military, are lazy leeches. * You would vote for Oliver North. * You believe the Klan and the skinheads have some good idea, but you hate their fashions. * You believe Jesse Helms is a statesman of the first order. * You believe law enforcement should be privatized, e.g., use bounty hunters instead of detectives. * You have donated money to build a Victim's Shrine at Waco. * You believe the UN is creating a one world government. * You believe General Eisenhower was a conscious agent of the Communist conspiracy and that he had General Patton murdered. * You think the Republican Party is okay as long as the rich people fund it, and the Westerners and Southerners run it. * You are considering moving to another English-speaking, nearly all-white country. * You believe Mexico is plotting to take over the American West through the systematic use of insurgents and by forming alliance with Indian tribes. * You believe the National Park Service is a bloated bureaucracy that likes animals more than people. * You believe that Vietnam still holds at least 500 American servicemen prisoners. * You believe it is dangerous to let anyone in Washington control water rights (remember what they did to the Potomac). * You believe the 700 Club TV program is the most accurate news source on television.
Date: Fri, 14 Jul 1995 08:13:34 -0500 From: "Richard T. Linton" <rtlinton@FACSTAFF.WISC.EDU> Subject: Fun prank
The following letter can be fun to send to someone, preferably to the office where the secretary opens the mail....
The American Rescue Mission Rev. E. Washington Brown, Pastor Winona, MN 55987
July 14, 1995
<put target's address here>
Dear Sir:
Perhaps you have heard of me and my nationwide campaign in the cause of temperance. Each winter for the past fourteen years, I have toured the midwestern United States, and have delivered a series of lectures on the evils of drinking.
I have been accompanied each year by my young friend, Clyde Pasternak. Clyde, a young man of good family and excellent educational background is a pathetic example of life ruined by excessive indulgence in whiskey and wild women.
Clyde would appear with me at the lectures and sit on the platform staring at the audience through bloodshot eyes, wheezing, sweating profusely, picking his nose, passing gas, fondling his genital area, and making obscene gestures. Whereupon I would point him out as an example of what over-indulgence can do to a person.
Unfortunately, last fall Clyde died. A mutual friend has given me your name and I wonder if you would be available to take Clyde's place on my 1995 Winter tour?
With reverential awe,
Rev. Elton Washington Brown, Pastor
Date: Fri, 14 Jul 1995 15:59:00 EET From: Nico van der Vyver <nico@AZTEC.CO.ZA> Subject: humor : Oh no, not another blonde!
Three pregnant women, a redhead, a brunette and a blonde are talking about their pregnancies.
Says the brunette: "I know my baby will be a boy, because he was on top of me when I conceived." Says the redhead: "I am going to have a girl, because I was riding him, when I became pregnant." Looking worried the blonde squeals: "Uh Oh!!! I am going to have puppies!!!"
Nico
Date: Fri, 14 Jul 1995 11:43:31 -0400 From: Razmus the Innocent <azrael@ACCESS.DIGEX.NET> Subject: Unusual marriage (true)
From USA Today - Friday, July 14, 1995, page 3A, col 1.
Date: Fri, 14 Jul 1995 12:30:48 EDT From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM> Subject: Barking up the wrong tree? <adult themes>
Dolly Parton was wearing her 'canine' dress. She bent over to take a bow...WOW! Lyle's Joke Boutique.
Date: Fri, 14 Jul 1995 10:05:00 PDT From: sidney moskowitz <sidney@CTS.COM> Subject: Robbing a Chinese Restaurant
This guy with a gun walks up to the cashier of this Chinese Restaurant and says, "Put all your money in a paper bag and give it to me!" The cashier asks, "To take out?"
Date: Fri, 14 Jul 1995 13:40:00 -0400 From: David Wall <darkon@IAC.NET> Subject: Humor: Sex and Christiamity <off. to Christians> (fwd)
From Gene Spafford's Yucks Digest:
Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth. And you should save it for someone you love.
Christian Fundamentalism: The doctrine that there is an absolutely powerful, infinitely knowledgeable, universe spanning entity that is deeply and personally concerned about my sex life.
Date: Fri, 14 Jul 1995 11:11:00 PDT From: Jack Kolb <IKW4GWI@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU> Subject: Hugh Grant humor <non-offensive>
From: David A V Moody <davm@crl.com> Subject: The envelope, please...
I am honored to announce the award for inadvertent and unrecognized foresight, if not Divine inspiration, in a male actor...
The envelope, please ...
(rip)
Hugh Grant, for his comment recorded three days before his arrest: "I'd like to try and do something that would really hit home."
...and now, the runners-up:
FIRST RUNNER-UP: "I'm under pressure from American actors, all of whom are deep into analysis who say... .I've. ... gotta go. No, I'd rather just gently implode in neurosis and lunacy."
SECOND RUNNER-UP: "...the downside .of fame. ....is paranoia and fear. When all eyes are upon you, I think it's ... fear of everyone jeering at you."
Jack Kolb IKW4GWI@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU
Date: Fri, 14 Jul 1995 21:11:46 +0000 From: Vito T Dressel <vdressel@ATTMAIL.COM> Subject: Dwarf joke
Dwarf joke, offensive to dwarfs, Catholics and penguins.
From: USENET: /alt.tasteless.jokes "Wade H. Nelson" <wadenelson@FRONTIER.NET>
The seven dwarfs were in a Catholic church. They were sitting near the rear and as the priest was speaking, they whispered and giggled amongst themselves, causing quite a disturbance. All of a sudden, Dopey stands up and says, "Priest, are there any midget nuns in the church ?" "No," said the priest, "There are no midget nuns in the church." A little time passed and the dwarfs were again whispering and giggling amongst themselves causing quite a disturbance and noticeably angering the priest.
Soon, Dopey stands up again and asks, "Priest, are there any midget nuns in the city?"
"No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the city or in the church." says the priest. Again the dwarfs resume their annoying giggling to the dismay of the priest.
A slightly agitated Dopey stands up and asks "Priest, are there any midget nuns in the state?"
"No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the state, in the city, and no midget nuns in the church." exclaimed the priest, obviously upset. The dwarfs continue their interference.
Dopey stands up and demands, "Priest, are there any midget nuns in the country!"
The priest, totally angered, exclaims "No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the church, in the city, in the state, no midget nuns in the country, there are no midget nuns in the whole world!!! Now sit down!!!!!"
Soon afterwards, a chant can be heard from the rear of the church, "Dopey f-ked a penguin. Dopey f-ked a penguin. Dopey f-ked a penguin."
Date: Fri, 14 Jul 1995 22:02:30 -0400 From: U01PA1D <U01PA1D.MHS251D@CPF-EMH.CPF.NAVY.MIL> Subject: Animal House Quiz (Part 2 of 6)
Form: Memo Text: (101 lines follow) Subject: Animal House Quiz (Part 2 of 6)
***CORRECTION*** Choice (B) of question 13 should read: B) Clayton, Sidney, Jugdish, Mohammed
IV. MORE GENERAL TRIVIA 21) What book are the students studying in the literature class? A) Dante's "The Inferno" B) John Milton's "Paradise Regained" C) Homer's "Iliad" D) John Milton's "Paradise Lost"
22) Where does Boon "hook" his first golf shot? A) The football field B) The cafeteria C) Dean Wormer's office D) Into the bleachers
23) What is printed on the side of the Delta's homecoming "cake" float? A) "Eat Me" B) "Happy Birthday" C) "Homecoming '62" D) "Eat This"
24) Who is laying under the bleachers looking up Mandy and Babs' skirts? A) Flounder B) Bluto C) D-Day D) Stork
25) During which season do the toilets on campus explode? A) Fall B) Winter C) Spring D) Summer
26) What kind of punishment does Dean Wormer dole out to the Delta's at the beginning of the movie? A) Suspension from college B) Expulsion from college C) Double Secret Probation D) 3-Months Probation
27) What vegetable does Otter show Mrs. Wormer at the supermarket? A) Banana B) Carrot C) Ginger Root D) Cucumber
28) What class test do all of the Delta's flunk when they steal the wrong test? A) Sociology 111 B) Psychology 101 C) Psychology 201 D) Sociology 221
29) What happens to an Omega Pledge after an active "consecrates the bond of obedience"? A) They get whipped B) They must swallow a goldfish C) They get spanked D) They go active themselves
30) How many Omegas are waiting in the motel room for Otter? A) 2 B) 3 C) 4 D) 5
V. FUTURE OCCUPATIONS Match each character with what the end credits say happens to them in the future...each character is only used once...
31) Robert Hoover A) Killed in Vietnam by his own troops 32) Daniel Simpson Day B) Instructor, Encounter Groups of Cleveland 33) Lawrence Kroeger C) Whereabouts Unknown 34) Eric Stratten D) Marries, then Divorces Katy 35) Kent Dorfman E) Nixon Whitehouse Aide, Raped in Prison 36) Doug Neidermeier F) U.S. Senator, Marries Mandy 37) John Blutarsky G) Professional Lobbyist 38) Babs Jansen H) Gynecologist, Beverly Hills 39) Greg Marmalarde I) Tour Guide, Universal Studios, Hollywood 40) Donald Shernstein J) Editor, National Lampoon Magazine
Let me know how you do! Andy Cramer
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End of HUMOR Digest - 13 Jul 1995 to 14 Jul 1995 ************************************************