Topics of the day:
1. HUMOR: Funny Places <some off?> 2. humor : catholics/nuns 3. HUMOR: EXERCISE 4. travel humor 5. The Dizzy Errata (An updated original) 6. Susan Smith joke, somewhat tasteless and mildly offensive 7. Humor: In The News, political, off to Darryl Strawberry, others noted 8. HUMOR: WEIRDNUZ.385 23Jun95 (1 of 4) + NOTE <long> 9. Mixed emotions <off. to blacks & hispanics>
Date: Sun, 16 Jul 1995 02:15:35 -0400 From: Clare Haney <MizzDarla@AOL.COM> Subject: HUMOR: Funny Places <some off?>
My very final list of funny town names (I promise!). These are all from fellow HUMOR readers.
From Renae (RRAZ@MUSIC.FERRIS.EDU): Hell, MI Climax, MI Shaftsburg, MI From JSTONE@letterkenn-emh2.army.mil, Stafford and Jim Davis [aka "God" ;)] Bird in Hand, PA Blue Ball, PA From TSMITH@fibusa.com: Cowpens, SC Sugar Tit, SC From my friend @ Washington U: Big Bone Lick (a park in IN) From REM: Hooker's Gap (an area right outside Leicester, NC and how does one get there? You take Hooker's Gap Rd. From Jim Davis and Stafford: Paradise, PA From Renza M. Jackson: Crusted Butt, CO From Shawn Fulper-Smith: Toad Suck, AR From afwagner@students.wisc.edu: Spread Eagle, WI From Brian Thomason (jbthomason@aol.com): Tillicum, WA Sedro Wooley, WA Puyallup, WA George, WA From dAmico: Boogerhole, WV From Bob: Bad Axe, MI From anonymous: What Cheer, IA Dogs Nest, Ontario From YOTHMENT@SWSBBS.COM: at the south end of St. Croix there is a beach with the official name of "Son of a Beach." It's on the map!
There is a "ditty" about certain towns in PA. Two versions were sent to me and here they are: From Jim Davis: "You know you're in Paradise after Intercourse with Bird-in-Hand. But if you make a wrong turn, you'll wind up with Blue Ball." From Bob: "The fastest way to Paradise is through Intercourse." (Which I am informed, in geographical terms, is untrue.)
My apologies to anyone who sent me names that I left out.
THE END! (really!!!)
Date: Sun, 16 Jul 1995 09:55:00 EET From: Nico van der Vyver <nico@AZTEC.CO.ZA> Subject: humor : catholics/nuns
Two nuns were riding their bicycles down an old Paris street when one remarked, "I've never come this way before." "Maybe," the other nun suggested, "it's the cobblestones."
Nico
Date: Sun, 16 Jul 1995 05:48:53 -0400 From: BEN SHAUL <UO516@IBMVM.HAI.IEC.CO.IL> Subject: HUMOR: EXERCISE
========SYS.LIMIT,UPERR CASE========
A MAN TO HIS DOCTOR "I'VE PROBLEM WITH MY SEX LIVE,I'M TIRED I HAVE HEADACHE I DON'T HAVE THE FANCY AND MY WIFE COMPLAIN,HELP ME" DOCTOR "I'M FAMILIAR WITH THIS PROBLEM YOU MUST DO SOME EXERCISE,MY ADVICE IS TO WALK 5 MILES EVERY DAY" AFTER 10 DAYS THE MAN CALL HIS DOCTOR "HAY DOC,I FILL GREAT I'M HAVING SEX EVERY NIGHT,EVERYTHING IS GREAT" "THAT'S GOD" SAY THE DOCTOR "AND WHAT YOUR WIFE SAY ABOUT IT" "HOW DO I KNOW" SAY THE MAN "I'M 50 MILES AWAY FROM HOME".
. =============================================================== SORRY,SYS.LIMIT,MAY BE IN UPPER CASE.NOT OFFENSIVE OR SHOUTING! ===============================================================
Date: Sun, 16 Jul 1995 05:09:00 PDT From: Jack Kolb <IKW4GWI@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU> Subject: travel humor
My mother in law got a copy of these quips along with a tour package. Throughout history the Latin term, "Caveat emptor" or "Let the buyer beware," has been a common rule of commerce. With this in mind, a list of travel promotional terms with corresponding translation is given below. - Pat Lange
TERM TRANSLATION
Old world charm No bath Tropical Rainy Majestic setting A long way from town Options galore Nothing is included in the itinerary Secluded hideaway Impossible to find or get to Pre-registered rooms Already occupied Explore on your own Pay for it yourself Knowledgeable trip hosts They've flown before No extra fees No extras Nominal charge Outrageous charge Standard Substandard Deluxe Standard Superior Two free shower caps All the amenities One free shower cap Plush Top and bottom sheets Gentle breezes Gale-force winds Light and airy No air conditioning Picturesque Theme park nearby Open bar Free ice cubes ...and much, much more That's about all there is
<Thanks to Gary Guibor, henceforward in his best known name: JOKEMASTER>
Date: Sun, 16 Jul 1995 08:29:26 -0700 From: MachuPicchu <star1357@IX.NETCOM.COM> Subject: The Dizzy Errata (An updated original)
> Posted this yesterday, but it didn't appear
and fur- thermore i've a right as much of a much of a right as a where as aware albeit oftreesandstarsandotherpoets to be here or there and also to be. > AND WALT WHITMAN AS UNDERSTOOD BY EDWARD ARLINGTON ROBINSON > And he was happy
Date: Sun, 16 Jul 1995 11:40:15 -0500 From: George Avery <GHAVERY@UALR.EDU> Subject: Susan Smith joke, somewhat tasteless and mildly offensive
How does Susan Smith wash here car?
She dumps a box of soap in the lake!
{For the foreign readers, Susan Smith is about to go on trial for murdering here two young children by locking them in the family auto and running it into a South Carolina Lake}
Date: Sun, 16 Jul 1995 19:14:43 GMT From: Ed Lambert <ed.lambert@LIFESCAN.COM> Subject: Humor: In The News, political, off to Darryl Strawberry, others noted
WARNING continued: Also off. to Hugh Grant, the medical profession, Bill Gates, Dan Quayle, Charles Harrelson, Anita Hill, lawyers and the OJ players, Smith Corona, LAPD... basically just about everybody...
In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times Includes some late night humor reprinted w/o permission
As a result of threats made by the Unabomber, security has been tightened at airports for a couple weeks now. A picture ID may be necessary and patience is required. That's nothing. Ever go through a supermarket express line with two kids, an out of state driver's license and a personal check?
During the last weeks Supreme Courts decisions the justices ruled for endangered species, then for the Klan and against minority voters. That's one step forward, and 200 years back.
The House voted to approve a constitutional amendment to ban acts of desecration against the flag. I assume this means the flag will no longer be flown over the Capitol building.
When the space shuttle Atlantis docked with the Russian space station Mir, astronauts took blood, urine and saliva samples from three Mir crewmen. The brief medical visit wasn't difficult. The toughest part for the cosmonauts was hanging around outside the capsule for four hours, looking at old magazines and waiting for their names to be called.
I don't understand this Bosnia thing. We have Serb jets in the "no fly" zones, firing on "safe havens" during "cease fires". Why don't we just make the whole place a war zone where no one gets hurt?
Hugh Grant now says when he was arrested on Hollywood Boulevard for suspicion of engaging in a lewd act with a prostitute, he was just preparing for his next role, "Four Misdemeanors and a Felony".
Mississippi Senator Trent Trott says Republicans use the right side of their brains and Democrats use the left side. This confirms what most of us have always known: No matter what side they're on, politicians are working with just half a brain.
Microsoft's Bill Gates' $12.9 billion fortune makes him the worlds richest man, fulfilling the biblical prophecy: "And the geek shall inherit the earth."
A salvage company has located George Bush's WWII plane at the bottom of the South China sea. It also found Dan Quayle's Vietnam era 3 wood at the bottom of a late at an Indianapolis golf course.
Woody Harrelson's father, Charles, who is serving a life term for killing a judge, was caught during an Atlanta prison escape attempt. It was such a botched effort that authorities suspect it was hatched by the dim witted character his son played on "Cheers". He's now back behind bars, where everybody knows his name.
A New York government teacher was arrested for demanding bribes from a student in exchange for a passing grade. What crime did he commit? He was just teaching the kid how government works.
OJ Update
When Anita Hill visited the courtroom as a guest of the prosecution last week, everyone groaned. All we need is another expert on hair samples. She brought along a coke can for the FBI expert to analyze.
Judge Ito returned two juror' copies of "The Rainmaker", a book about lawyers. He said he'd hate to have something horrible happen for reasons that have nothing to do with the facts and evidence. Jeez, hasn't he been paying attention?
It turns out that the great glove fiasco was just another LAPD mix up. The cops gave Christopher Darden the glove from the Michael Jackson investigation by mistake.
Johnnie Cochran has been given the "Unmitigated Gall Award" for 1995 for accusing prosecutors of "sanctimonious pious posturing".
In Japan, prosecutors are getting ready to try cult leader Shoko Asahara, and are calling it the "trial of the century". In yet another example of Japan copying American institutions, the prosecutor has even had a mole grafted onto her upper lip.
They have finally discovered the cause of the huge sink hole on Hollywood Boulevard. Apparently, an LAPD truck was driving down the road with all the evidence against OJ.
The Rest of the News as it fits into 100 lines
A woman has threatened to reveal embarrassing information about Darryl Strawberry unless he paid her. You mean, besides him being a drug addicted tax evader?
The Smith Corona typewriter company has filed for bankruptcy. In a unique request, it asked the judge to "White Out" its multi million dollar debt.
And finally, with the Raiders and the Rams leaving Los Angeles, it seems like the only contact sport remaining will be resisting arrest.
Bye folks!
Date: Sun, 16 Jul 1995 16:47:00 +0400 From: Jeff Guinzburg <jeff@ISI.NOVIX.NS.CA> Subject: HUMOR: WEIRDNUZ.385 23Jun95 (1 of 4) + NOTE <long>
WEIRDNUZ.385 (News of the Weird, June 23, 1995) (Part 1 of 4) by Chuck Shepherd
LEAD STORY
* On May 31, a small plane buzzed the U. S. nuclear weapons plant at Oak Ridge, Tenn., and dropped more than 100 sheets of pornographic photos. Oak Ridge police suspected that the culprit was the former boyfriend of a female plant employee, who had earlier accused the man of stalking her. And two weeks earlier, pilot Robert B. Moore, 38, was convicted in Independence, Kan., of littering during an airborne frolic, when he tried to demonstrate his prowess by selecting a target and bombarding it with toilet paper. [The Tennessean-AP, 6-2-95; Washington Post, 5-20-95]
THE ENTREPRENEURIAL SPIRIT
* The former principal of PS 100 in Brooklyn, Stuart Posner, was accused in February of stealing from the school candy store, establishing businesses on school property, and charging students admission to watch television during class time. [New York Daily News, 3-1-95]
* Among cities in which "mile high club" entrepreneurs were reported operating recently were Hayward, Calif., Santa Monica, Calif., Meriden, Conn., and Cincinnati. For fees ranging from $199 to $279, a pilot will fly a couple around for an hour so that they can have sexual intercourse while airborne. [San Francisco Chronicle, 2-13-95; Cincinnati Enquirer, 11-14-94; Chicago Tribune, 5-5-94]
* Among new products recently developed or on the market: Toe floss (invented by Ronald M. Hannon), a three-foot-long rope that attaches to the floor of the shower, is held taut, and permits the user to clean between his toes; a tiered cocktail- waitress "dress" that holds 250 canapes, from designer Bruno Ferrer; a 30"-high, porcelain-headed doll of Indiana University basketball coach Bob Knight, wearing traditional red sweater and Converse sneakers, from local dollmaker Tom Alberts, for $545; and a line of toilet-seat lids in the shape of guitars (electric and acoustic), starting at $49, from Marvin Maxwell of Louisville, Ky. [New York Times, 5-29-95] [Japan Times-Reuter, 2-19-95] [Harper's, March 1995] [[Details, Jan95]]
Origin: Posted in one piece to Humor Mailing List <humor-l@cornell.edu> by its owner Christopher Kline <ckline@TC.Cornell.EDU> on Sat, 8 Jul 1995 19:06:09 -0400 (EDT). Copyright 1995, Universal Press Syndicate. All rights reserved. Released for the entertainment of readers. No commercial use may be made of the material or of the name News of the Weird. Split to comply with HUMOR's rules.
NOTE for those who want to subscribe to the NotW list directly (forwarded from NotW List Admin (notw-request@nine.org) at 7/14/95 7:33 AM):
the News of the Weird mailing list.... exists solely to distribute Chuck Shepherd's column, News of the Weird, to the denizens of the Internet. As such, it is an extremely low volume moderated mailing list which will contain on average only one post per week (usually on Thursday or Friday) of about 150 lines....
notw-request@nine.org is for all requests for subscriptions, deletions from the list, problems, concerns or questions about the list etc...
cshepherd@igc.org can be used to reach Chuck Shepherd directly about matters not concerning the mailing list (e.g. comments on the column itself, tips on weird news for him to investigate).
Information and an archive of old News of the Weird columns can also be found on the World Wide Web ... http://www.nine.org/notw/notw.html
Some subset of the information available on the WWW may be available for anonymous ftp on ftp.nine.org as well...
Date: Sun, 16 Jul 1995 19:38:34 EDT From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM> Subject: Mixed emotions <off. to blacks & hispanics>
A black, a hispanic and a WASP were walking along the beach when they saw a bottle sticking out of the sand. All three grabbed it at once and a genie came out of the bottle and said, "Because of your mutual participation, I will grant each of you one wish...what would you like to have?" The black man indicated he wished everyone of his race would return to Africa and live in mutua lpeace and harmony. "Your wish is granted," said the Genie. The hispanic man said he wished everyone of his race would return to Cuba and Mexico and live in mutual peace and harmony. "You wish is granted," the Genie said. "What would you like to have?" the Genie asked the WASP. "I'll take a Bud Lite," he replied. Lyle's Joke Boutique.
End of HUMOR Digest - 15 Jul 1995 to 16 Jul 1995 ************************************************