Topics of the day:
1. Bird joke <crude> 2. letter <mildly off. to kentucky folks> 3. Murder <off. to gynaecologists, sexist> 4. headlines (not offensive) 5. HUMOR: BY THE SIZE <SEX?> 6. <ethnic> stupidity <off. ethnics> 7. Your momma jokes!Pt.1<Offensive to mommas> 8. Life 8.H 9. War 10. Generation gap? <adult themes> 11. More Poultry jokes (Off to Auburn Alumni, farmers) 12. Difference between..... 13. Mexican cuisine. 14. Carter beter than Clinton-part 1 of 2<off. to liberals> 15. Tips to writers 16. Sexual Innuendo 17. Polish Joke (off. to Polish People) 18. Silver tongued orator 19. College team joke <customizably offensive to most anyone of your choice>
Date: Tue, 18 Jul 1995 09:47:11 +0100 From: Mark Mostert <MARKMOST@L.KTH.SE> Subject: Bird joke <crude>
Q: What do you do if a bird shits on your windscreen ? A: Don't take her out again.
Date: Tue, 18 Jul 1995 03:03:31 -0500 From: Karen Hughes <khughes@INTGP1.ATT.COM> Subject: letter <mildly off. to kentucky folks>
TO: Kentucky Son
FROM: Kentucky Mom
Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow cause I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper where most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address as the last Kentucky family that lived here took the number with them for their next house so they would not have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons. So we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home; said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral; up she comes.
About your father, he has a lovely new job. He has over 500 men under him. He is cutting grass at the cemetery.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a boy or a girl, so I don't know if you are an aunt or and uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him, he burned for 3 days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Write more often.
Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.
Date: Tue, 18 Jul 1995 10:09:36 METDST From: Jan Kucera <kuc@FCE.VUTBR.CZ> Subject: Murder <off. to gynaecologists, sexist>
A gynaecologist stands in the court accused of murdering a young girl. "Can you tell the court something in your defence?" said the judge. "I will describe you the whole day. In the morning forty patients were waiting in my office. When I finished with them I had to do several abortions in the hospital instead of a sick colleague. Then several elderly women - preventive examinations. It was late in the evening when I finally could go home through the park. Then this bitch approached and offered that for a tenner she would show me her ****!"
Date: Tue, 18 Jul 1995 02:17:00 PDT From: Jack Kolb <IKW4GWI@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU> Subject: headlines (not offensive)
<From: JOKEMASTER> ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES
* Grandmother of eight makes hole in one * Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing * Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers * House passes gas tax onto senate * Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan * Two convicts evade noose, jury hung * William Kelly was fed secretary * Milk drinkers are turning to powder * Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted * Quarter of a million Chinese live on water * Farmer bill dies in house * Iraqi head seeks arms
Some become unintentionally suggestive:
* Queen Mary having bottom scraped * Is there a ring of debris around Uranus? * Prostitutes appeal to Pope * Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over * NJ judge to rule on nude beach * Child's stool great for use in garden * Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors * Soviet virgin lands short of goal again * Organ festival ends in smashing climax
Grammar often botches other headlines:
* Eye drops off shelf * Squad helps dog bite victim * Dealers will hear car talk at noon * Enraged cow injures farmer with ax * Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests * Miners refuse to work after death * Two Soviet ships collide - one dies * Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter
Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from the one intended:
* Never withhold herpes from loved one * Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy * Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984 * Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious:
* If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while * War dims hope for peace * Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency * Cold wave linked to temperatures * Child's death ruins couple's holiday * Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years * Man is fatally slain * Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say * Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation
<Thanks Amy Threads via Gordon>
Jack Kolb IKW4GWI@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU
Date: Tue, 18 Jul 1995 09:35:50 -0400 From: BEN SHAUL <UO516@IBMVM.HAI.IEC.CO.IL> Subject: HUMOR: BY THE SIZE <SEX?>
========SYS.LIMIT,UPERR CASE========
THREE FRIENDS ENTER A WHOREHOUSE. THE MADAM TOLD THEM THAT THE FEE WILL BE,BY MEASURING THE SIZE OFF THEIR TOOL,1 BUCK PER 1 CENTIMETER. THE FIRST ONE ENTER AND AFTER 30 MINUTE OUT HE CAME WITH A BIG SMILE "50 BUCKS,THAT'S MY FEE". THE SECOND ENTER AND AFTER 30 MINUTE OUT HE CAME WITH A HUGE SMILE "100 BUCKS,THAT'S MY FEE" THE THIRD ENTER AND AFTER 30 MINUTE OUT HE CAME. "5 BUCKS,THAT'S MY FEE" "WHAT" SHOUT HIS TWO FRIED. "YOU IDIOTS" REJOIN "I HAVE PAID,MY FEE,ON THE WAY OUT" . =============================================================== SORRY,SYS.LIMIT,MAY BE IN UPPER CASE.NOT OFFENSIVE OR SHOUTING! ===============================================================
Date: Tue, 18 Jul 1995 06:15:00 PDT From: "Narasimhan, Seshadri" <NARASIS@MTOMP002.ALLIED.COM> Subject: <ethnic> stupidity <off. ethnics>
The <ethnics> of the world were tired of being the butt-end of jokes worldwide. So they decided to have a world <ethnic> conference. All the smartest, most intelligent <ethnics> were at the conference. The conference began. One <ethnic> after another stood up and bashed the world for making so many jokes on <ethnics>. They berated the world; and media coverage was quite extensive. As the day drew to a close the <ethnics> passed a motion saying that they would gather at the same venue in 2 months. All the <ethnic> conference attendees would fan out over the globe and look for the reason or reasons why they were being subjected to such humiliation by the rest of the world. The smartest <ethnic> landed in New York. As he took a cab from the airport to his hotel, the non-<ethnic> cab driver asked him what he was in town for. The smart <ethnic> explained his mission. The cabby said, "If you answer my simple question, I'll guarantee you that the world will stop making jokes about <ethnics>". The <ethnic>, intrigued, said, "OK". Remarked the cabby, "Someone lives in my house. It is not my brother. Who is it"? The <ethnic> puzzled over this awhile. The cab was almost at the hotel. The <ethnic> gave up and said so. The cabby said, "You silly fellow, that is me! No wonder the whole world makes fun of you. Ha, ha, ha". Chagrined, the <ethnic> asked the cabby to take him back to the airport. The <ethnic> returned to his home country and waited for the conference. The conference began. Our <ethnic>, the smartest one of the whole lot, went up on stage and said, "I know exactly why there are so many <ethnic> jokes. Let me ask you a question that the cabby in New York asked me. Someone lives in my house. It is not my brother. Who is it"? Immediately everyone answered, "It is you"! The smart one replied "See how stupid we all are! Not one of us knew the right answer. It is the New York cabby"!
heh, heh, heh
Date: Tue, 18 Jul 1995 10:28:37 EST From: Michael Langdon <Michael_Langdon_at_NYERPOB@WFCSMTP.IE3.LEHMAN.COM> Subject: Your momma jokes!Pt.1<Offensive to mommas>
Your momma is so dark, someone yelled hit the dirt and they all jumped on her back!
Your momma is so dumb, she bought a pack of M&M's and returned them because she got all W's!
Your momma is so Ugly, when she walks in to the room, mice stand on chairs!
Your momma is so Dark, her nickname is Pitch!
Your momma is so Dark, when she eats tootsie rolls, she has to wear white gloves so she doesn't bite her fingers off!
Your momma is so dark, when she gets in the car the oil light goes on!
Your momma is so fat, we had sex last night , I rolled over twice: I was still on top of her!
Your momma is so fat, she got shot last night, the police ran out of chalk tracing her body!
Your momma is so dumb, she had to hire a tutor to teach her to scribble!
Your mother is so dumb, she thought Taco Bell was a mexican phone company!
Write if you want me to send more!
Date: Tue, 18 Jul 1995 07:38:59 -0700 From: Henry Cate <cate3@NETCOM.COM> Subject: Life 8.H
Date: 3 Aug 92 17:23:39 PDT (Monday)
From rec.humor
From: Christopher Neufeld <neufeld@helios.physics.utoronto.ca> (from rec.aviation) Single engine planes are really gliders. That prop up front is just a fan to keep the pilot cool. How do you know this is true? You should see him sweat when it shuts off!!!
Answering machines: And, my favorite, "Hello, you're on the air."
>So, if I tie my serial communications cable into a knot, will that >change the parity of the electrons? Of course it won't change. Recall that Yang and Lee got the Nobel Prize in '57 for showing that parity in knot-conserved.
nichael@bbn.com
And then there's the story of the American war movie shown with sub-titles on French television. At one point, the American GI looks over a hill and shouts, "Tanks!" The sub-title reads, "Merci."
**************************
Fifty Ways to Kill an Ensign (music stolen from Paul Simon)
The problem is something 'bout your clothes, she said to me The red shirt and the stripeless sleeves yell, "I'm Security!" And when you get down planet-side with Kirk, you'll get to see There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign
He takes a landing party down to find what's going on A couple of the bridge crew, and some extras come along And then before you know it - the `expendables' are gone There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign Fifty ways to kill an ensign
Just step on a rock, Jock Get thorns from some plants, Lance A Horta can spray, Ray Just listen to me Clouds drink up your blood, Bud Computers can kill, Bill You could lose all your salt, Walt Kirk gets away free...
She said it grieves me so to see you with such nerves Not ev'ryone who goes with Kirk will suffer from this curse But then of course, you must recall - they sometimes suffer worse There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign
Just tell him, "I'm not stupid and I'm not expendable I'm not going!" Tell him that he's a Denebian slime devil And he's overbearing, swaggering, and dictatorial He'll find a new way to kill an ensign Fifty-one ways to kill an ensign
[If you want to copy this elsewhere, go ahead, on condition that you leave my name and this notice on it. I want the credit... Joel Polowin
From: "Patrick Ryan" <p.ryan@uws.edu.au> "Honour thy father" does not mean repeat his mistakes.
Date: Tue, 18 Jul 1995 10:30:12 -0500 From: Ian Chai <chai@UIUC.EDU> Subject: War
War isn't fought to decide who is right but who is left.
Date: Tue, 18 Jul 1995 12:23:44 EDT From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM> Subject: Generation gap? <adult themes>
A naive young girl was concerned because she had an extremely large vagina. The first time her boyfriend saw it he exclaimed, "What a vagina! What a vagina! What a vagina!" She blushed and said, "You certainly didn't have to say it three times!" "I didn't," he replied, "what you heard was the echo." Lyle's Joke Boutique.
Date: Tue, 18 Jul 1995 11:02:19 -0600 From: "Wade H. Nelson" <wadenelson@FRONTIER.NET> Subject: More Poultry jokes (Off to Auburn Alumni, farmers)
A(nother) magna cum barely graduate of that "other" Alabama educational institution of lower learning, Auburn University, graduated and went into poultry farming.
(If they were any good, why is Tyson slicin' and dicin' in Arkansas instead of Alabama, which brings up the oft-asked question; if man and wife get divorced in Arkansas, are they still brother and sister?)
So anyway, back to the joke, Bubba graduates, as at least half of all Auburn graduates do, in the bottom half of his class, and goes out to raise chickens for a living down near Eufala or Enterprise or somewhere equally cosmopolitan.
He orders 36 chicks from the extension service, and all arrive healthy and clucking. He plants them, feet first, and all promptly die, despite watering and fertilizer.
Bubba reports this to the Auburn Ag-Office, who then send him another 36 chicks, of a disease and more drought resistant variety. These he plants feet first, with similar results. He places another call to the ag office.
The Agricultural office liason officer, concerned with the inability of an Auburn ag graduate with 4 years of "higher learning" to raise even 3 dozen chickens, of the heartiest and most survivable stock, sends him an urgent Mail-GRAM with the following message:
If this next batch fails to thrive: PLEASE SEND SOIL SAMPLE. ROLL TIDE!
Date: Tue, 18 Jul 1995 13:03:28 EST From: JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH2.ARMY.MIL> Subject: Difference between.....
Do you know the difference between a white BMW and a motel room ?
That's OK, neither does Hugh Grant!
Date: Tue, 18 Jul 1995 10:53:00 - From: "Howard, Dan" <HOWARDD@MS2.AES.COM> Subject: Mexican cuisine.
This guy was vacationing in Mexico, enjoying all the sights and culture. One day he attended the bullfights and noticed a restaurant just outside the ring advertising an "After the Fight Special". Being an adventurous soul he went in and asked the waiter for the special. Shortly the waiter returned with a platter containing two huge round pieces of meat. "What is this?" he asked. "Well, senor, that's the special. These are the testicles from the last bullfight." "Take it away, I can't eat this!" the vacationer exclaimed.
About a week goes by and he figures he might as well try everything the country has to offer, so he goes back to the restaurant and orders the special. Just as before, the waiter returned with the platter, only this time it has two walnut-sized entree's. "Wait a moment! I thought this was supposed to be the testicles from the last bullfight." he complained. "Well, senor," replied the waiter, "sometimes the bull... He win."
Date: Tue, 18 Jul 1995 18:01:17 -0400 From: Lindsay Hancock <Froggies0O@AOL.COM> Subject: Carter beter than Clinton-part 1 of 2<off. to liberals>
100 Reasons Why Jimmy Carter Was a Better President Than Bill Clinton by P.J. O'Rourke The American Spectator September 1993
*Jimmy Carter had a nicer wife, *A smarter baby brother, *A less frightening mom, *And a...No, we can't bring ourselves to make fun of the first daughter, especially since some of us have been going through an awkward adolescent stage for nearly four decades. But we can say: "Darn it, Hillary, quit fussing with your hair and do something about Chelsea's." *And, speaking of coiffures, Jimmy Carter never in his life got a haircut that cost more than $2.50, if appearances are anything to go by. *Carter had governed a more important state. *Carter had once held a job. *He came from a more cosmopolitan hometown, *And had a more charismatic vice president. *It took Carter months to wreck the economy. *It took Carter weeks to become a national laughingstock. *Carter committed adultery only in his heart. *And, if we know anything about female tastes, Carter was telling the truth about that. *As for military record, Carter was, comparatively speaking, a regular Audie Murphy. *They were on drugs during the Carter administration
Copyright c 1995 Phillip Winn
Date: Tue, 18 Jul 1995 17:25:45 -0500 From: "Richard T. Linton" <rtlinton@FACSTAFF.WISC.EDU> Subject: Tips to writers
1) Don't use no double negatives 2) Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents 3) Join clauses good, like a conjunction should 4) About them sentence fragments. 5) When dangling, watch your participles 6) Verbs has got to agree with their subjects. 7) Just between you and I, case is important. 8) Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read. 9) Don't use commas, which aren't necessary. 10) Try to not ever split infinitives. 11) It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly. 12) Proofread your writing to see if you any words out. 13) Correct speling is essential
Date: Tue, 18 Jul 1995 16:52:56 -0600 From: Howard Bashinski <bashinsk@RASTRO.COLORADO.EDU> Subject: Sexual Innuendo
So, Joe goes into a bar and behind the counter is a sign that says "Win $10000. Joe asks the bartender what he has to do to win $10000 and the bartender says three things.
"First, you'll have to knock Spike the bouncer off his stool." Spike is a 300lb monster. "Second, we've got a Pit Bull dog out back with an abscessed tooth. You'll have to take care of that tooth."
"Finally, my aunt Matilda upstairs is an Old Maid and has never been sexually satisifed by a man. You'll have to do right by her."
Well, as soon as these last words are out of the bartender's mouth, old Joe picks up a pool cue and slams Spike the bouncer right off his stool! He then proceeds out the back door to deal with the Pit Bull. After about 30 minutes he comes back with the Pit Bull under his arm. The dog is licking Joe's face affectionately and wagging its tail.
"Ok," says Joe. "Where's that Old Maid with the abscessed tooth?"
HB
Date: Tue, 18 Jul 1995 20:20:19 -0400 From: Phil Glowatz <AssessNet@AOL.COM> Subject: Polish Joke (off. to Polish People)
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a Polack joke?"
The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs. and I'm Polish. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, weighs 225, and he's Polish. The fella next to him is 6'5" tall, weighs 250, and he's Polish. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"
The first guy says, "Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three times."
Date: Wed, 19 Jul 1995 00:45:43 +0000 From: Vito T Dressel <vdressel@ATTMAIL.COM> Subject: Silver tongued orator
Offensive to good-old boys, one offensive word
From: USENET: /alt.tasteless.jokes James Thorson <jthorson@CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU>
These two good-old boys down in Louisiana are fishing in the bayou. They see their friend Jones in a boat out in the middle of the water. Shortly, the boat springs a leak, sinks, and so does Jones. They recall that he doesn't know how to swim. One looks at the other and says, "How we gonna tell the widow?" The other one says, "Never you mind about that! I'm known as the Silver-Tongued Orator in these parts because I'm so smooth, so downright articulate, so polished and sophisticated that I can make bad news sound good. I'll be so delicate, so sensitive, so sympathetic and kind that Jones's wife won't even see this as a tragedy. No, I'll put it to her in such a way as to let her see the positive benefits of this unhappy occurrence. The Silver-Tongued Orator can make bad news sound good." "Okay, bro - go for it." So, the two of them go over to the Jones house, and the Silver-Tongued Orator knocks on the door. Mrs. Jones answers the door. "Ah, tell me, would you be the Widow Jones?" "My name's Mrs. Jones, but I'm not a widow." "The fuck you ain't."
Date: Tue, 18 Jul 1995 20:00:25 -0600 From: Mark Pendleton <mpendlet@LIB.NMSU.EDU> Subject: College team joke <customizably offensive to most anyone of your choice>
The star player on the (here insert a college team name and sport) team was incredibly stupid. Even with special tutors he couldn't maintain his GPA high enough to legally be a member of the team. He sparked the team's impres- sive string of victories, though, so the coach managed to cover up his acade- mic shortcomings almost the entire season. Just before the last game, though a newspaper reporter found out about his ineligibility. There was a dreadful scandal. Finally the NCAA agreed to let this guy have one more chance; he was to take a special test. If he passed, he could play; if not, he'd be suspended and the university severely sanc- tioned. The day came, and it was a media event. The stadium was filled. Tickets sold for upwards of $100. News crews from all over the state were there. The governor himself walked out onto the field where the player was seated at a desk. "Son",he said "Answer this one question right and you are a hero, mess up, and the honor of our state is in question!" "I'll do my best, sir" answer- ed the player and opened up his exam booklet. "Oh hell" he thought as he saw the question, "I never was good at math". There on the page before him was written 5 + 6
End of HUMOR Digest - 17 Jul 1995 to 18 Jul 1995 ************************************************